Miracles are scandlous!

Several months a I began reading a book called "The Ecstasies of Loving God" by John Crowder. It and his other book "The New Mystics" are really amazing. They are particularly incredible because they are very well written with lots of biblical and historical documentation. Due to the specific ministry that John Crowder has gotten into, I am personally glad I read his books first before I saw any of his videos on Youtube. This video that is linked in the last sentence is one of my favorites of his, but it still pushes my limits. As I began to meditate on all of this, I just felt like the Lord asked me "how long are you going to continue to put barriers between you and me?" I felt like the Lord was saying, if he wants to get wild and crazy and blow my paradigm, then who am I to get in the way. One of my particular favorite quotes from the Ecstasies book is talking about how we have made an image of God that is stoic. He goes on to say that just because we build an image and call it Jesus, does not make it Jesus. It is in fact a false idol, if it is anything other than a true representation of his full character. And God is a passionate God.

So, I've kind of had this lingering fascination with John Crowder. Kind of a "can it really be that good" attitude. I know some of you would watch his stuff and not be the slightest interested, and may even be quite appalled. That's ok. I am in a season of life where I want more.

When I started working with Justin doing Tech 24-7 prayer, he told me he made shirts for people to purchase that say "there has to be more than this." Scripture is quite clear that signs and wonders are a relevant issue for today. But for some reason, those things deemed "charismatic" are scandalous. Then on a personal note, I have just lived most of my life trying to be in control and that has made me a pretty grumpy and miserable person to be around. But God has told me and the people around me more than once that he has planted wells of joy in me. He even showed me in a dream that I ran into a blue light that filled me with laughter and my laughter began to cause the nations to shake. Just last night I was with some friends and we were laughing and praying, and I felt the Lord say, "the weapons of your warfare are not carnal but mighty....laughter and rest are two mighty weapons in my kingdom."

So here I sit, towards the end of October, and as I'm goofing around on the internet, I stumble upon an internship with John Crowder coming up at the beginning of 2010. It's called the School of the Scandal.

I want to go. I believe it's God's timing for me to go. There's so many things about this that make sense. To go there and come back to Tech 24-7. I feel like it is a launching pad for my life and destiny. I just see going there and coming back someone completely different.

The school itself costs 3300. Plus about 300 for airfare to and from TX, meals for 3 weeks = another 300. Then there's the fact that I wouldn't be able to work for three weeks so I would need to have my bills paid for at home with is about 600. For a grand total of 4500. The first 500 is due by November 30, with the rest being due on Dec. 15th.

It is physically impossible for me to earn that much, unless Arbonne just took off like crazy in the next 5 weeks. Then maybe, but not likely. So I am completely dependent upon God. I don't know what to do. Support letters? Prayer and fasting? Sell the Pez dispensers?

So I need a(some) miracle(s). A miracle for God to tell me what to do or not do to get this money to come in, a miracle for the money to come in, a miracle to not stress the freak out over this, a miracle to trust him, a miracle to not be completely heart broken and lose faith if it doesn't happen.

So if you're reading, please pray. I'm not sure for what..but I am quite sure I need prayer. Thanks!!

Delight, an active approach

I've been pondering what it means to delight for quite sometime. At cursery glances, I assumed that it means to be happy with/in. This would imply that I believe that delight is an adjective regarding my heart's attitude towards God. Let me share with you what I've found and some conclusions that I've come to in the last few weeks.

First off, all good biblical exegesis begins with Webster's dictionary.

/dɪˈlaɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunci–noun

1.	a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture: She takes great delight in her job.

2.	something that gives great pleasure: The dance was a delight to see.

–verb (used with object)

3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly: The show delighted everyone.

–verb (used without object)

4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive): She delights in going for long walks in the country.

So, upon my initial observation of just the definition alone, I noticed that I believe the correct translation would be "You, Delight/Give great pleasure, satisfaction or enjoyment to; please highly....the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Meaning this relationship is not so much about my enjoyment, as much as it is His enjoyment. My job here is to bring pleasure to Him. But even by titling it "Job", I miss it. My pleasure, is to bring pleasure to the one who will in turn pleasure me. It's really the reality of the Trinity played out in humanity. The Great love dance if you will.

What a relief! I can be at peace and set my heart to striving to please Him, in the sense that striving to please someone is really no task at all when they love you unconditionally.

And yet, I am left with the question....what is it that makes your heart glad?

If you look up delight in the Strongs, verse after verse speaks of meditating on the law/scripture daily. There are also mulitple verses that talk about God prefering obedience over sacrifice.

One of my personal favorites is:

Psa 119:24

Your testimonies also are my delight; {They are} my counselors.

I specifically like this because God told the Isrealites to build alters of rememberance everywhere the went in the Old Testament. God told them to remember at what He had done for them. That's what each of the festivals is meant to accomplish as well. God knows that we have a tendency to forget His character. So if we will remember His faithfulness, his testimonies of goodness and allow the truth of who He is to counsel us as we make future decisions, we will be found wise.

The Psalmist goes on to say:

Psa 119:92

If Your law had not been my delight, Then I would have perished in my affliction.

If you don't spend time in remembering, then we are quick to get our eyes off of God and onto our circumstances. Then we will effectively perish in our affliction.

In Song of Solomon 2:3 it says:

Sgs 2:3

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Again, the Shulamite, a metaphor for the bride of Christ, is basically saying I am going to rest in the truth of who you are, and allow your character to be a shade tree to me, protecting me from the harsh realities of life. I will taste and see that you are good. (Ps. 34:8)

Isa 55:2

"Why do you spend money for what is not bread, And your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, And delight yourself in abundance.

Eat what is good....delight yourself in abundance. Who promised an abundant life?

Isaiah 58:13-14 says, "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,then you will find your joy in the LORD and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Jer 9:24

but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.

We hear Paul echo that sentiment thousands of years later....let no man boast in anything but that they know the Lord. (paraphrased) Also, Jesus says, that Justice and Righteousness are the foundations of his throne. The place where he will sit and judge the nations rests on justice and righteousness.

Finally, some New Testament references for you who would freak out if I didn't include them.

Rom 7:22	For in my inner being I delight in God's law;
1Cr 13:6	Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
2Cr 12:10	That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My favorite is the last. It's practically the theme for this blog. I delight in my weakness, for then I am strong.

I am weak and cannot love Him like I want to, nevertheless it is in my honest examination of my heart, that I am made strong to try again to love him all the more today.
May his grace cover us all as we try to pursue Him, to actively delight him. Take great pleasure in my childish attempts at loving you today Lord. It may be a spiritual equivalent of a maccaroni painting, that you will hang on your refridgerator in heaven, but as long as your heart is thrilled by my attempt, that is all I can ask for.

Song of Solomon 4:9 You have overwhelmed my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.

Jesus, let your heart be overwhelmed as we glance our eyes towards you. Establish our affections as set solely upon your heart. Let us no longer be satisfied by the lesser things of this world.

surrender

Do you ever feel like the world is just waiting on monarchs to die? I feel like we are just sitting around waiting for the Queen of England and Chairman Mao and the North Korean dude to kick it, so the next round of political adventures (aka Armageddon) will start. I know that's probably wrong for me to say, but it's a hidden thought. Everybody is just biding their time until this happens.

Sometimes I am so discontented with my life. Particularly as I sit here looking at my very messy house. I feel like I'm strapped into a "insanity jacket". What are those things called? I keep wanting to say life jacket...but that's not right. Or maybe God's trying to tell me something...

I feel inadequate to praise God, to live worthy of His calling, to trust Him completely. I am tired of scheming and manipulating circumstances. I want to trust Him to be God of my life, but man that is hard. That means certain death...to self. And I know it's good. But it's hard.

The Promises of God

So most of us know that throughout scripture God promised things to individuals, people groups and humanity as a whole. Some people believe the promises in scripture can be applied to our lives as believers today, some think they were for a specific season. Most of the time I think promises from scripture are taken out of context (ie Jer 29:11). But even that's not really the kind of promises I'm talking about. I'm talking about specific "Abe & Sarah...you're gonna have a kid" promises. "Israelites...you get a promised land." "Humanity...salvation is yours".

The important thing to note about promises, is that they are God initiated. God sets a promise into motion by communicating it to humanity. It is not attached to conditions, it is just his goodness being made manifest into our reality. With the promise of Issac, Abe & Sarah didn't have to "be really good" or "have great quiet times" or anything like that. They just had to do what was natural for married people to do. They, like most humans, felt like they were responsible to figure something out to get this promise to happen, and so they went and "hooked up" with Hagar and bore Ishmael. Because it wasn't there responsibility, they made a big mess of the whole situation. Issac came, in God's perfect timing.

Really, the only thing that we can do when it comes to promises of God is refuse them. The Israelites refused to go into the Promised Land when it came to them. So they spent another 40 years in the wilderness. Since the time of Christ's death, people have had the ability to accept the promise of salvation or reject it.

So here's my question(s):

1) How do you know which promises from scripture can be taken and applied to our lives today?
2) Does God still promise things to people today, and how do we know it?
3) Are His promises today vague concepts like peace and joy or are they specific like marriage and babies? There is a precedent for God promising babies in scripture...did He ever promise marriage?
4) Are prophetic words considered promises? Within that there is a tension between the soverignty of God and the fallen-ness of Man.
5) Are promises linked to covenant in the scripture? Or a result of covenant? Issac...covenant of marriage. Promised Land...Abrahamic Covenant. Salvation...New Covenant.
6) How does the answer to 5 impact the answer to 3 and 2?

As a qualifier to these questions, I have to say that I am talking about straight up God promises...not heart's desires, not rewards for good behavior, not good gifts from the Father. We'll talk about those soon enough.

2 Jews walk into a bar

So I haven't written in a while, and it will probably be along time before I do. I'm not quite sure how 2009 will work out. I feel like God is stepping things up a notch, and I'll likely be putting my computer away for a while. Tis the season of consecration and such. So what does consecration have to do with a bad jew joke...nothing. I just needed a clever title.

So, in 2009 it will be goodbye facebook, blogspot, email, ebay and all other wastes of time. I'll probably attempt to cut out movies, so that means goodbye Netflix too. I'll likely be doing a lot more praying and reading. I've got a lot of teaching series that I will be listening to.

So, this is very well goodbye. I'll be leaving town on Thursday at noon, returning on the 5th of January or late the 4th. And I don't know when I'll open up my computer again. If you know my cell phone, then you know how to get in touch with me. This may go away to, and I may get a land line. We'll see. God hasn't let me renew my contract with Sprint for some reason...maybe it's this.

Love you! Shalom!

Turkish Delight

For probably three years now, I've been asking God for the ability to know his manifest love. What I mean by that is, I know (intellectually, theologically, theoretically) that He/God/Jesus loves me (for the Bible tells me so.) What I've always struggled with is the idea of an experiential knowledge of His love. What does it mean, What does it feel like, What does it look like to experience God's love? It's kind of the same thing with people around me. Friends and family...I know they love me...but what does that look like. Does that make sense? There are times when I "KNOW" I've been/am loved. Sometimes it's in the cards friends send in the mail, sometimes it's in the late night conversations...but those moments are honestly rare in my life. Most of the time I live my life with no real exposure to intimacy (or emotional encounters).

I wrote a poem many years ago, on 11/2/02 to be exact. It's called

"Eyes So Bright."

Take a walk with me
Back to yester-year, when life was free.
And there was the joy of coming
home after school, when Mom
With eyes so bright would greet you.
And dad would come home after work, tired
from a long day-yet when you climbed
in His lap and told your story for the day
His eyes reflected his interest
in your daring adventures. And
grandma's and grandpa's and people
everywhere you went greeted you with eyes
so Bright, you couldn't help know
that you were special.

Somewhere between then and now
People got busy and your story became less important.
But all you knew to do is to keep looking for
the light in someone's eyes. The fire in men
burned fiercely, but faded quickly.
And as you tap danced for God and pastors, like rabid
dogs showing their teeth as they snarl
you realize they are hungry for your talent not your heart.
"She can sing, she can dance--we'll elevate her above the rest"
and so your heart compromises yet once again.

Year's will go by and memories will fade.
In the end there will still be a little girl longing
for someone's eyes to smile at her.

--The End

I've been thinking about that poem quite a bit lately. At my new job, I feel useless. I'm working for a friend and that adds a lot of pressure. I want to feel his delight in me, I was his eyes to smile at me. He is a representation of how I see the Father. I get stuck in performance based "love." I'm so aware of the darkness of my heart, which compounds the ridiculousness of performance based love. Grace is an angel I wrestle with. I will not let go until you bless me, with a double portion even. And I will walk with a limp because of it.

I write all of this because on Friday night I went to a home church kind of thing in BFE. I had been telling God that I really needed to hear from him for the last couple of days. Kind of one of those "Are you still there?" or "Daddy, hold me" moments. It was a charismatic place to say the least....so there was a lot of speaking in tongues and prophetic worship going on. During the worship the leader called me out and began to prophesy over me. It happened real fast so I missed a lot of it. I heard him affirm my calling as an intercessor to/for the nations. I heard him say something about being in an Esther season of preparation. I don't really remember what else.

Then I felt God whisper to me Isaiah 49. I don't think I had ever read Isaiah 49 before (in whole). So these words were so sweet to me. I liken it to being surprised with flowers or a sweet card from your lover.

So in conclusion to this extremely long blog...I want to share with you words to a song called Beautiful by Bethany Dillon. I (and probably every other woman) completely understand the lyrics to this song.

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus] I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I hope you feel, hear, see, know, taste, touch, EXPERIENCE the Father's great love and delight in you today. You ARE beautiful.

Random Itunes humor

Though I was not tagged in Jeff's blog....I thought it was pretty funny, so I just stole it. Hope you laugh as much as I did....

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG TITLE DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

Questions:

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Jesus Loves Me by the Bill Gaither Trio
Yes, I listen to the BG Trio. It's an albumn from my childhood. "I am a Promise" anyone?

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Through the Storm by Yolanda Adams
OMG...that is soooo true.

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Have you ever? by Shawn McDonald
I like a little bit of adventure and trying new things out.

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock of Ages by GLAD
Sometimes you gotta just know that your foundation is sure even when you don't feel like it. (My meme is not as funny as Jeff's) :(

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The Preacher Said, "Jesus Said" by Johnny Cash
Sometimes you gotta just speak the truth....

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Anthem by The Figureheads
I don't like Motto's, only anthems.

7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Over the Rainbow by Shawn McDonald
I have definitely accused them of not being in touch with reality at times.

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Jacob's Ladder by 100 Portraits
Wish I had a way to get higher....

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
The Ninety and Nine by Andrew Peterson
I was always bad at math....

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
E Hia Ana Mai by Fragile Warriors
Loosely Translated....Freaking Awesome

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Isn't He by John Wimber
....coming soon? Please?

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The Heavenly Bridegroom by Mike Bickle
What can I say, I'm hooked on him

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Restoration by David Brymer
O sweet wholeness...let it be

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Diamonds from Sierre Leon by Kanye West
The most precious thing ever.....

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Daughters of Jerusalem by David Brymer
I knew I was Jewish!

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The red covered bridge by Jesse Lee Campbell
...I got nothing

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Do you hear what I hear by Vince Gill
O, to hear his voice....I can't wait.


18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
After hours by 8 Bliss
I've always been a night owl.

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
My Glory by Tim Reimherr
I struggle with Grandiose thoughts....

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Back to the Middle by India Arie
They think I live in the extremes too often....


21) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Supernatural by DC Talk

Sometimes you just gotta wonder how these questions are answered so perfectly....it's gotta be Supernatural.

Well.....it's wasn't laugh out loud funny, but revelational none the less.

So since I only have 3-5 readers of this blog....I tag you all.

Enjoy.