Jilll in Wonderland

My days are going by so fast. I am living a dream life.  I am floored by God's grace and provision.  I absolutely love my days.  They are full, usually 10 hour days, combined with praying with and for students, meeting with them in discipleship, and meeting with board members.  I scramble as fast as I can to get work done in between meetings.  I am trying to live with the mentality that I am a daughter and not an orphan, and therefore I have access to unlimited resources for God's financial provision for this ministry.  Please keep me in your prayers.  I just wanted to get something down in writing, that I am grateful.

Groanings

For the last six weeks, I can say that the word groanings would most describe my life.  There's an ironic thing that happens when there's a spiritual promotion, in that you realize how unprepared for this new stage in life you actually are.  So I certainly have spent much time in prayer asking God to quickly fill in the holes of my life.  I live with so much pride, but the reality is I am a broken fool.  Oh how my heart is grieved. 

I want to add to this, that I feel like Swiss cheese. The thing about being promoted is you realize how unprepared you really are to do the thing that God has called you to do. I am seeing all of those holes. I feel broken. So the good thing is my only cry is "come Lord Jesus." I feel like a detriment to this thing we're doing rather than an asset. That's the beauty of repentance, rightly seeing yourself. So it's beautiful but hard. I need the Lord to fill me with his presence all the more today.

As for finances, I've done nothing but buy the Dave Ramsey stuff. It's hard to do much else when there's no steady income.  I really, really, really need people to speak into my life about this issue.  As for health, I was going to start the HCG diet on March 1st but it snuck up on me, so I didn't do anything.  But I still haven't drank soda in almost 2 months, so that's great.  Baby steps.

I am reading a couple of books right now.  1) Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson
2) Atheist Manifesto by Michael Onfray and I want to get God Will Provide by Patricia Treece, and for fun I would like to start reading the Wicked Series that starts with Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire.

In seasons of growth, sanity is challenged because you are being forced to think about things differently.  You are being forced to see things from a higher level.  The way you have seen things and the things you have believed are being revealed in the light of the Truth, and you are being forced to expand your heart, soul, mind and strength to  take in the new revelation.  It your loyalties are tied stronger to the idea than the Idea Giver, then you will have a hard time with growth.  When the cry from your heart is "transform my mind," be prepared for groanings and shakings to accompany the transformation.  What you are going through is similar to labor pains in delivery.  They are hard and painful, but the outcome is to be cherished.  

I'm asking the Lord to do a quickening in my heart.  I'm asking the Lord to give me the grace to change and lay down my stubborn pride.  My idoliziation of convenience and lazy American lifestyles.  God, help me to choose the hard road.  I want to be conformed to the image of your son and I am so far from it.

Sweet Conviction, Bitter Discipline

So I haven't written in a while.  I find it difficult to believe that most of you really want to read my ramblings, so I don't write.  I know you will all say, Jill we love your writings, but nevertheless, it's still hard to write sometimes.  It's a discipline that I should embrace.  Speaking of discipline, that seems to be the word for 2012.  Yay for me.  So here are the 5W's of discipline for my life.

Who:  Me
What: finances and health, possibly writing
When: Now
Where: online via daveramsey.com for finances.....still looking for a realistic weight loss plan
Why:  Because God says it's time for me to quit mucking around

So, I'm going to be somewhat painfully authentic in my journey.  I know you're surprised by that. 

As of today, I am unemployed.  I was laid off right after Christmas.  I have about $450.00 to my name.  I live with my parents which is beneficial because I don't have to pay any rent or utilities.  As a 36 year old, I am ashamed of that last sentence.  I struggle with comparing myself against the standards of this world.  My credit score is approximately 640-670.  I will know for sure in a couple of days when I get my most recent credit report.  This score is actually quite an improvement from a year ago when it was in the 500's.  I paid a lady named Lynn, who I would highly recommend, to help me boost my score.  Trying to fix your credit while recovering from a hysterectomy is quite difficult though, so my score probably didn't get boosted as high as it could have, had I been diligent to do what Lynn told me too. 

As for the job hunt, I dream of being a prayer missionary to my own city.  I am working probably 30ish hours a week for the last month, planning with students a 247 prayer room for university students.  In the meantime, my next best option would be to get a part/full time position with the City of Lubbock at a recreation center.  I have applied for both a full time and a part time position.  I am honestly torn between which one I want.  There is also a full time phone bank job that I've interviewed for and loathe the idea of doing.  I don't hate work.  I just want to work for something I am passionate about instead of something stupid. 

As for debt, I would guess I've got about 15K in student loan debt and maybe 10K in personal debt, many of which is medical bills. 

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As for health, my dear friend Marcia and I have covenanted to quit drinking soda. 

I weigh approximately 275-285 lbs.  At 5'2", that is easily 125 lbs overweight if not more.  After being diagnosed with uterine cancer in Dec. 2010 and having a hysterectomy in Feb 2011, then having my thyroid quit working, my body has been in a free for all this last year.  Now that I'm beginning to get some sense of normalcy, I really want to start working on a plan for my health that is not just a diet but a lifestyle change that is slow and gradual.  I am not going to start going to the gym, and I can't become a vegetarian overnight.  So, I need to add or subtract small things in my life slowly and see how I manage that.  We have 44 weeks left in 2012, and if I lose 2 lbs a week I would be down 88 lbs by New Years.  That would put me at 197, which I vividly remember weighing under 200 in 1998 when I lived in Valparaiso, IN.  So it would be really exciting to get down to that weight, but I would still have much more to go.  I'm praying for some healing with my digestive track as well because it is off kilter to say the least.  I'm checking into FitAmerica.com.  So we'll see if they are a good fit.  Next step Biggest Loser Club.
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I'm grateful to Marcia for walking with me, and for God's grace to give me strength in this process.  I'm ready for health.   

is it really bettter to have loved and lost?

I am in a mood to write, but feel constipated verbally.  My heart aches and I don't know how to express it.  I am in desperate need of creativity.  My friend Ben has asked me to write a short story to possibly be published and I am not happy with the words that come from my hands.  I find it true with the words I speak as well.  I used to speak and there was a certain oomph behind them that I called anointed.  Now they seem empty.  I've learned to be silent when the oomph isn't there, but for some reason I feel like I need to push start this engine. 

My heart is particularly sad.  I posted on facebook that I don't have vision for my life.  It's disconcerting to define yourself as a seer (similar to a prophetic gifting) and feel like your blind.  My relationship with God is strange and challenged. 

I found that after going through cancer, I don't want to pray my prayers or my agenda.  I want to only pray in agreement with him, but there is still strangely a place in my heart that is scared and doesn't want to ask him what His agenda is.  Why does my heart not trust him?  He has been more than faithful!  Why do I not trust his intentions still?  It grieves me that I am so easily fooled by the enemy.  I tell you heart of mine, He is trustworthy!  His intentions towards you are good.  Even in the wilderness, even in the barrenness.

I want to lay in the sun and let it soak my body with it's warmth.  My body, my heart is cold.  Come and shine your love on me and warm me up. 

There is an anaolgy playing out in my life.  My good friend B, whom I've spent the last 6 years pursuing in friendship and in a hopeful romance, told me about 3 weeks ago that he wanted to date someone else and that we couldn't be friends anymore.  I was initially shocked by this news, but then felt a great sense of peace about it.  Then two weeks ago, I found out that his relationship is over and he hasn't called me.  This is what has been troubling for me.  My heart is so sad for him at the loss of his first relationship and I can only imagine how broken hearted he is right now.  I feel just lost without him though.  I want to be able to comfort him.  This chance that we wont get to talk again, not because of another woman but because of a broken heart is painful.  Scripture says that creation groans in anticipation for the sons of man....my heart is groaning.

I have no way to reach him either.  I don't really know how that's an anaolgy, other than I can't see my way out of this and I long to be connected. 

God bring revelation to my heart if there is something blocking the way for your spirit to flow into my life.  Release the creativity again, not for my sake but for yours.  Ok, and for mine. 

Day Two: My least favorite Song

So clearly this 30 day song challenge is going to be something more like a 30 week song challenge, but hey, it gives you something to read, right?


Ok, so my least favorite song..........hmmm.  That's a hard one.  I honestly cannot think of "A" least favorite song.  I can think of genre's that I hate.  Screechy death metal, probably any song that says God is dead.  So since I some more favorites.  Much better.  The first is a song I've wanted to dance to with the man I love for as long as I can remember.  I love Randy Travis' voice, so him singing "Forever and Ever Amen" makes me swoon.  Speaking of swooning, if you know me, you know my undying love for Dean Martin.  While, "It's Amore" is the obvious choice for a favorite, there's just something about how he sings "Innamorata."

Then another favorite is a song called "Just the way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson. 

So these are three songs that I love for different reasons, but all really have to do with the same thing.  Love. 

Enjoy!

The List

Donald Miller posted a blog about a week ago in which he shares a list his fiance (sad day for me) told him a list of things that she had always wanted in a husband, and he both fits this list and is in the process of becoming the list.  So I'm curious, if your married, did you have a list and did your spouse meet the qualifications of that list?  If your single, do you have a list?

There were many comments on Miller's blog about the variations of the types of lists that people make from shallow to ultra-specific to needy to unreachable.  Again I question how does a broken person (as we are all broken people striving to be made holy) create a list that isn't flawed in some form or fashion?

I long to be loved.  More so now than ever before.  I am in a dark season.  My body does not like me, my brain chemicals and hormones do not want to play fair, and I am depressed like never before.  Should I go to the hospital and check myself into the rubber room-depressed.  I have loved people deeply and selfishly and sinfully.  Scripture says "love your neighbor as you love yourself,"  that's hard to do when most days are filled with self loathing instead of self loving (the holy kind, not the kinky kind).  And frankly I feel like most days I kinda hate people too.  There is a great book called "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason.  There is a paragraph that rocked my world and exposed my heart like I have never seen before.  In this paragraph he talks about how other people are basically like a litmus test that reveals the amount of love or hate that we have in our heart, and most days we realize that we just resent other people being alive.  It's true.  It's poorly paraphrased, but true in my heart.  It's a paradox for me.  I would jump in front of a bus for complete strangers and friends alike, but just as quickly I will resent you for taking up oxygen and my personal space.  Lord help me, but I've become a hermit.  Mike Mason also wrote a book called "Practicing the Presence of People: How to Learn to Love."  I bought it and quickly hid it in a dark pile so I wouldn't have to read it.  It makes me growl just thinking about it.  So it's no surprise that I am not married.  I can just see the exchange of vows.  He says, "I promise to love you and cherish you and stick with you through sickness and health till death do us part."  I growl, kiss him, and go have sex.  The foundation of a beautiful marriage.  Till death do us part might only be 3 months.

Back to the idea of lists.  I had one a long time ago, made when I was 17, naive, pre-cancer, pre-hysterectomy, pre-heartache.  I have no idea what my list would be now.  I know a few things:  an extravagant worshipper of God, a person who loves cultures, and that's about all I can say for now.  So join with me in praying for someone who fits those two items to come into my life, and for me to lose my growl.  They are equally miraculous feats.

30 Day Song Challenge: Day One

I haven't been blogging despite my many friends complaining.  I feel like words are absent from me.  So in lieu of that, I am going to do the 30 day song challenge and see if that sparks some words.

Day One:  Your favorite Song

I feel like this one is easy.  It's a song that I have listened to for years, sometimes nightly, sometimes hourly so that I can know the truth in my heart that He is taking care of me.  This song, was most brilliantly performed in the movie Sister Act 2.  I have gone through season of such darkness that it seems the words to this song are the only thing that reminds me of his nearness.  It's much more than the words to the song, but also the deeply soulful way in which these ladies sing it.  It's like they know the pain and despair I am feeling, and really believe the words that they sing.

My favorite song is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" performed by Lauryn Hill & Tanya Blount.

So with this song, I wish each of you a deeper knowing of the nearness of God throughout the trials and tribulations that you will face in your life.