I am in a mood to write, but feel constipated verbally. My heart aches and I don't know how to express it. I am in desperate need of creativity. My friend Ben has asked me to write a short story to possibly be published and I am not happy with the words that come from my hands. I find it true with the words I speak as well. I used to speak and there was a certain oomph behind them that I called anointed. Now they seem empty. I've learned to be silent when the oomph isn't there, but for some reason I feel like I need to push start this engine.
My heart is particularly sad. I posted on facebook that I don't have vision for my life. It's disconcerting to define yourself as a seer (similar to a prophetic gifting) and feel like your blind. My relationship with God is strange and challenged.
I found that after going through cancer, I don't want to pray my prayers or my agenda. I want to only pray in agreement with him, but there is still strangely a place in my heart that is scared and doesn't want to ask him what His agenda is. Why does my heart not trust him? He has been more than faithful! Why do I not trust his intentions still? It grieves me that I am so easily fooled by the enemy. I tell you heart of mine, He is trustworthy! His intentions towards you are good. Even in the wilderness, even in the barrenness.
I want to lay in the sun and let it soak my body with it's warmth. My body, my heart is cold. Come and shine your love on me and warm me up.
There is an anaolgy playing out in my life. My good friend B, whom I've spent the last 6 years pursuing in friendship and in a hopeful romance, told me about 3 weeks ago that he wanted to date someone else and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I was initially shocked by this news, but then felt a great sense of peace about it. Then two weeks ago, I found out that his relationship is over and he hasn't called me. This is what has been troubling for me. My heart is so sad for him at the loss of his first relationship and I can only imagine how broken hearted he is right now. I feel just lost without him though. I want to be able to comfort him. This chance that we wont get to talk again, not because of another woman but because of a broken heart is painful. Scripture says that creation groans in anticipation for the sons of man....my heart is groaning.
I have no way to reach him either. I don't really know how that's an anaolgy, other than I can't see my way out of this and I long to be connected.
God bring revelation to my heart if there is something blocking the way for your spirit to flow into my life. Release the creativity again, not for my sake but for yours. Ok, and for mine.
