dreams

I had two dreams that are related but I'm not sure exactly what they mean.

According to a dream dictionary they suggest that 1) I am lacking fulfillment or pleasure and 2) i am feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

yep that pretty much sums it up. what to do about it?

i was asked last night "what makes me happy".

I don't know. i haven't been happy in a long time. the things i thought made me happy end up painful. God used to make me happy now I'm just confused. i feel like I'm personally living out Ecclesiastes: (Sharina will be happy with this part of the blog, because she'll be able to give me the Hebrew translation/interpretation) it's all vanity, so you might as well eat, drink and be merry. bring on the eating and drinking and merry making.

I've lost my sense of direction. Everything I do is drudgery. I'm sure it will get better eventually. I just have to figure out how to survive the mundane. I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I honestly believe that the prednisone I took while sick, aggrivated my anxiety. I haven't been sane since being sick. Here in a few weeks I'll go see the doctor and all will be on the track to being well again. Until then....

hit the delete button

I decided to delete my last post. somethings just don't need to be on the internet.

i am struggling.

i will survive.

I'm angry

I'm angry because I sit here reading a friends blog about how 6 years ago she stood praying for God to move in Burma, and now 6 years later she's going back to get to participate in it some more.

I'm angry cause I'm worried about stupid statistics homework in comparison.

I'm angry that my brother's girlfriend lost her baby.

I'm angry that I don't have children either.

I'm angry that my life is so messy that it keeps men away.

I'm angry that life is full of death and devastation.

I'm angry that it seems like believing in God is pointless. I'm angry that it seems like there's no point in asking or hoping or dreaming because all you get is a cross to carry.

I'm angry that despite the hardships of my life, there are people who have suffered much more and I have NOTHING to offer them.

In high school there was a phrase, "Life's a b*tch and then you die." I didn't know high school morons were so profound back then.

I'm angry because I don't understand the kingdom of God on earth now.

I'm angry because the afterlife isn't enough to get me through everyday.

I'm angry because I don't know if my answer of "He is who he says He is." is enough anymore.

I really get it. Deep down inside I get the cosmic battle between love and not-love. Good and evil. I get that my choice to love God in return through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for eternity is a BIG deal. I get that my choice to say yes to Him in the face of tragedy is much BIGGER than I have words for...and in the end everything I do, think, believe, pray, breathe, etc....is all wrapped up in my choice of loving Him in return because He loves me in my weak, broken, fragile, messed up life. I really get it.

I get that I'm not forced to choose Him, or forced to choose love. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes when the sh*t hits the fan, and everything around you sucks.....and you want to walk away but you know better. You know nothing will make you feel better. Sex, drugs, booze, chocolate, TV....it doesn't satisfy. So you can't choose the temporary fixes anymore, you are forced by your own understanding to choose Him.

So you choose Him and you still end up carrying a cross, you still die, you still suffer. It makes me angry!

It makes me angry that my humanity wants to escape from suffering but my faith tells me there is something beautiful and mystical that happens when I share in the sufferings of Christ.

It makes me angry that the enemy uses my frustration, anger and circumstances to accuse the character of God. But then again, if I was rich and had everything I wanted/needed...the enemy would accuse His character then too.

In the end, I've come back to the place where I started. It is my joy, my honor to choose Him. He is faithful! He is loving! He is just! He is my provider! He is my sustainer! He is my ever present help in a time of need! He is the lover of my soul! He is a friend who is closer than a brother! He is my peace! He is my refuge! He really is the way, the truth and the life. Without him, I am nothing.

I still don't understand everything and have a lot of questions. But He's ok with that.