SOCR-YWAM denver

What a crazy week it's been. We ended the last week of prayer for the summer, last week. I have been praying for and hoping for some sort of training this last part of the summer. I had heard of a school that was combining YWAM and IHOP and The Call called the School of the Circuit Riders or SOCR for short. Well today I was officially accepted to go to the one in Denver starting next week.  What a faith journey. I can't believe I am going back to YWAM.  18 years later.  I am blown over by your goodness.  I am gun shy. I am nervous. I am afraid. But I am also hopeful. I want more of the Lord's goodness in my life.  So we will see what comes!

what's the big idea?

I believe most of you know what Tech 24-7 does on a monthly basis, but I am not sure you understand the significance of it. There is a saying, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."  My prayer is really similar, that as we remember, we will repeat history.  Graham Cooke, says,  "We become what we behold."  While ultimately beholding Jesus, it is my hope that as we re-visit these stories of old, they will fuel a fire in all of us to pursue a 21st century revival among college students. 

So join me, as I take us on an extremely brief history of revivals in America and their connection to college students praying.  It's my prayer that as you read these stories, the weightiness of what we are doing at Tech 24-7 will be revealed to you.  I also pray that you realize that you have a part to play in this journey.  Birthing a revival among students at Texas Tech requires adults, family members, professors, employers, college pastors, friends, loved ones, and intercessors to pray, give, serve, invest and believe that God can and will do this again. 

Ten years ago Pete Greig, one of the founders of 24-7 Prayer, sat in the first prayer room at 3am and scribbled a poem that would help define the 24-7 movement. 'The Vision Poem', as it became known, spread like wildfire. I honestly, deeply, full heartedly believe that God wants to loose a prayer movement here at Texas Tech, which will in turn change the lives of thousands if not millions.  You can be a part of bringing that into being.  Join with us.  For more information on how you can connect with us, visit our website.

In the 18th Century, a group of young men began gathering on the campus of Oxford University in England. This group consisted of a small group of young men who called themselves the Holy Club. This club gathered together regularly for the purpose of prayer, confession, exhortation, and Bible study in order to challenge one another in their holiness and pursuit of God.

The Lord began to breathe upon two men in this group in particular, George Whitefield and John Wesley. Through the ministry of these two men, the Lord began to revive hearts throughout both England and America, as well as cause the word of the Lord to prevail in entire geographic regions as many would be convicted by the power of the gospel and repent unto salvation. It was also through John Wesley that the Methodist Church was started. In the early days of America's history, the Methodist Church served as one of the most fervent vehicles of missions activity and church planting, the fruits of which would dramatically affect the early history of America.

All the universities in America at this time had been founded through the Church and therefore were expected to supply the next generation of evangelical leaders. The American churches viewed these student communities as the coming future of their congregations, culture, and society. They believed that the direction of their churches and that of the whole nation would soon follow the spiritual bent and character of America's college students - As the students go, so goes the nation. It was this kind of farseeing perspective about students that made the American Church quick to answer the call to a national day of prayer for colleges.In 1806, Samuel J. Mills and five other students at Williams College began to pray for the Lord to visit their university. This prayer meeting is affectionately known as the 'Haystack Prayer Meeting' because the weather forced them to pray underneath a haystack the first time they gathered to pray. Many historians and students of church movements trace the Second Great Awakening of America to this prayer meeting.

Through the 1800s the Lord began to move on college campuses. At a time where Deism prevailed in the educational institutions of the nation, all across America the Lord began to save souls. It is said that in the course of a year's time, half of Yale's and a third of Princeton's student population were saved. In the universities, these believers began to come together in societies, which began to take on more and more of a missionary focus as the years went on.

By 1886, some of these students from such societies began to possess such zeal for the task of world evangelization, they formed what is called the 'Student Volunteer Movement'. Over the next fifty years, the Student Volunteer Movement sent 20,000 college students into the foreign mission field under the watchword of 'the evangelization of the world in this generation'. It is also commonly estimated that the movement mobilized nearly 100,000 college students in these fifty years in prayer for the Lord's purpose in the nations of the earth.

In the year 1823, the last Thursday of February in each year was agreed upon as the day for special supplication that God would pour from on high His Spirit upon our Colleges and Seminaries. And what have been some of the results? In the years 1824 and 1825 revivals were experienced in five different Colleges; in 1826 in six Colleges; in 1831 in nineteen...In one of the Colleges it is stated that a revival started on the very day of the concert of prayer. In 1835, not less than eighteen revivals were reported by different colleges." By the end of the nineteenth century, these repeated student awakenings had radically transformed the culture and moral climate of many of our largest universities. As a result many of America's ministers at this time were encouraging their congregations to send their children to college, if they wanted to see them safe and soundly converted.

 

the heart of repentance

It's been a while since I've written.  I think it's been a long time since I had words to describe what the Lord is doing in my heart.  I'll be honest, that I'm not sure that I know exactly what's going on now, but I see glimpses. 

For the last 6 months, I have been working with students at Texas Tech, helping to create spaces and places for them to encounter the presence of God. While I have been predominately dormant for the last several years, spiritually speaking, this has been such an exhilarating time in my life.  A time for new opportunities to trust the Lord in ways I haven't dreamed of in 15 or more years. It's not difficult for me to believe that God will show up and transform the hearts of people in Lubbock or the students.  I have seen him do it in my own life and I know He will do it again.  Even if I hadn't seen Him do it in my life, it's what He does.  He encounters and transforms people.  Historically, Biblically, personally...it's what Jesus loves to do.  He loves to reveal himself to people.  So praying that God will change the hearts of the student body at Tech is not hard for me to believe.  It may take time for there to be a tangible culture shift at Tech, and it may seem incredibly challenging given that we've got approximately 4 years to reach a student body before there's a whole new crowd to deal with, I still am a believer in his transforming power.  Prayer changes things!  In the midst of this though, there is a really painful reality thought that there are hidden places where doubt and unbelief have taken root.  A history of having a heart that is moved by compassion, creates multiple opportunities for me to want to go on xyz mission trip and unfortunately not see money come in. 

But even as I say that, it's not God's fault.  There are multiple things going on here.  I grew up in a poor family so there's a spirit of poverty that is still trying to work in my life.  Then there's the whole issue of sewing and reaping.  Unfortunately, I have stolen several times in my life, never fully trusting God's ability to provide. I have sewn a lot of crap into my life. I've stolen from people, from non-profits, from businesses and more.  I've stolen pens and I've stolen hundreds of dollars.  I've written hot checks on multiple occasions, I've flat out taken hard cold cash and lied about it.  What God has called Holy, I have treated incredibly casually and participated with the enemy in bringing about devastation in other peoples lives.  So here I am working a non-profit, asking people to give me money and I'm getting very little in.  I've cried, complained, and forgive my french "bitched and moaned" all to no avail.  The one thing I haven't done is repent.  Why you ask?  I don't know how to.  I know that may sound crazy, but it's true.  My go-to response to situations like this is to do penance, trusting in my own works instead of choosing repentance, thereby receiving grace through the cross of Christ.  This is the pivotal point of my walk with Christ.  When it all boils down, I rarely want to depend on the Cross and more often than not, wish I could save myself.  I don't like depending on someone else to be my savior.  Every-time I am confronted with my inability to save myself, I fall into a deep depression because that is the soul's response to the realization that it cannot save itself,  and be glorified.  It takes me a while to work myself up to the point of repentance and receiving mercy and grace.  It is painful, bittersweet to be sure.  The thought of someone else paying for my selfishness hurts.  Hopefully it hurts enough to keep me from being selfish again next time.

So as I pursue revival on Tech's campus, I am likewise pursuing revival in my own heart.  New life for this heart that is dead and broken.  I am pursuing grace, which is so desperately needed, but not cheap grace.  I am pursuing a grace that is hard to receive, beautifully refreshing, and  a true work of transformation.  Kris Valliton says that you can't separate revival and generosity.  I hope that's true because I'm pursuing revival.  May my repentant heart be a fertile ground for people to sew into, that bears much fruit.  May the Fear of the Lord keep me close to Him recognizing him as my true provider.  I so easily could end up being the next "preacher" who falls into sexual sin, embezzlement, or any other hidden thing.  My friend Chad Wheeler posted on his facebook yesterday a really great essay that speaks to this issue.  "Compassion grows with the inner recognition that your neighbor shares your humanity with you. This partnership cuts through walls which might have kept you separate. Across all barriers of land and language, wealth and poverty, knowledge and ignorance, we are one, created from the same dust, subject to the same laws, and destined for the same end. With this compassion you can say, 'In the face of the oppressed I recognize my own face and in the hands of the oppressor I recognize my own hand. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my blood, their pain is my pain, their smile is my smile. Their ability to torture is in me, too; their capacity to forgive I find also in myself. There is nothing in me that does not belong to them too; nothing in them that does not belong to me. In my heart, I know their yearning for love, and down to my entrails I can feel their cruelty. In anothers' eyes I see my plea for forgiveness, and in a hardened frown I see my refusal. When someone murders, I know that I too could have done that, and when someone gives birth, I know that I am capable of that as well. In the depths of my being, I meet my fellow humans with whom I share love and have life and death." - Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands

Jilll in Wonderland

My days are going by so fast. I am living a dream life.  I am floored by God's grace and provision.  I absolutely love my days.  They are full, usually 10 hour days, combined with praying with and for students, meeting with them in discipleship, and meeting with board members.  I scramble as fast as I can to get work done in between meetings.  I am trying to live with the mentality that I am a daughter and not an orphan, and therefore I have access to unlimited resources for God's financial provision for this ministry.  Please keep me in your prayers.  I just wanted to get something down in writing, that I am grateful.

Groanings

For the last six weeks, I can say that the word groanings would most describe my life.  There's an ironic thing that happens when there's a spiritual promotion, in that you realize how unprepared for this new stage in life you actually are.  So I certainly have spent much time in prayer asking God to quickly fill in the holes of my life.  I live with so much pride, but the reality is I am a broken fool.  Oh how my heart is grieved. 

I want to add to this, that I feel like Swiss cheese. The thing about being promoted is you realize how unprepared you really are to do the thing that God has called you to do. I am seeing all of those holes. I feel broken. So the good thing is my only cry is "come Lord Jesus." I feel like a detriment to this thing we're doing rather than an asset. That's the beauty of repentance, rightly seeing yourself. So it's beautiful but hard. I need the Lord to fill me with his presence all the more today.

As for finances, I've done nothing but buy the Dave Ramsey stuff. It's hard to do much else when there's no steady income.  I really, really, really need people to speak into my life about this issue.  As for health, I was going to start the HCG diet on March 1st but it snuck up on me, so I didn't do anything.  But I still haven't drank soda in almost 2 months, so that's great.  Baby steps.

I am reading a couple of books right now.  1) Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson
2) Atheist Manifesto by Michael Onfray and I want to get God Will Provide by Patricia Treece, and for fun I would like to start reading the Wicked Series that starts with Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire.

In seasons of growth, sanity is challenged because you are being forced to think about things differently.  You are being forced to see things from a higher level.  The way you have seen things and the things you have believed are being revealed in the light of the Truth, and you are being forced to expand your heart, soul, mind and strength to  take in the new revelation.  It your loyalties are tied stronger to the idea than the Idea Giver, then you will have a hard time with growth.  When the cry from your heart is "transform my mind," be prepared for groanings and shakings to accompany the transformation.  What you are going through is similar to labor pains in delivery.  They are hard and painful, but the outcome is to be cherished.  

I'm asking the Lord to do a quickening in my heart.  I'm asking the Lord to give me the grace to change and lay down my stubborn pride.  My idoliziation of convenience and lazy American lifestyles.  God, help me to choose the hard road.  I want to be conformed to the image of your son and I am so far from it.

Sweet Conviction, Bitter Discipline

So I haven't written in a while.  I find it difficult to believe that most of you really want to read my ramblings, so I don't write.  I know you will all say, Jill we love your writings, but nevertheless, it's still hard to write sometimes.  It's a discipline that I should embrace.  Speaking of discipline, that seems to be the word for 2012.  Yay for me.  So here are the 5W's of discipline for my life.

Who:  Me
What: finances and health, possibly writing
When: Now
Where: online via daveramsey.com for finances.....still looking for a realistic weight loss plan
Why:  Because God says it's time for me to quit mucking around

So, I'm going to be somewhat painfully authentic in my journey.  I know you're surprised by that. 

As of today, I am unemployed.  I was laid off right after Christmas.  I have about $450.00 to my name.  I live with my parents which is beneficial because I don't have to pay any rent or utilities.  As a 36 year old, I am ashamed of that last sentence.  I struggle with comparing myself against the standards of this world.  My credit score is approximately 640-670.  I will know for sure in a couple of days when I get my most recent credit report.  This score is actually quite an improvement from a year ago when it was in the 500's.  I paid a lady named Lynn, who I would highly recommend, to help me boost my score.  Trying to fix your credit while recovering from a hysterectomy is quite difficult though, so my score probably didn't get boosted as high as it could have, had I been diligent to do what Lynn told me too. 

As for the job hunt, I dream of being a prayer missionary to my own city.  I am working probably 30ish hours a week for the last month, planning with students a 247 prayer room for university students.  In the meantime, my next best option would be to get a part/full time position with the City of Lubbock at a recreation center.  I have applied for both a full time and a part time position.  I am honestly torn between which one I want.  There is also a full time phone bank job that I've interviewed for and loathe the idea of doing.  I don't hate work.  I just want to work for something I am passionate about instead of something stupid. 

As for debt, I would guess I've got about 15K in student loan debt and maybe 10K in personal debt, many of which is medical bills. 

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As for health, my dear friend Marcia and I have covenanted to quit drinking soda. 

I weigh approximately 275-285 lbs.  At 5'2", that is easily 125 lbs overweight if not more.  After being diagnosed with uterine cancer in Dec. 2010 and having a hysterectomy in Feb 2011, then having my thyroid quit working, my body has been in a free for all this last year.  Now that I'm beginning to get some sense of normalcy, I really want to start working on a plan for my health that is not just a diet but a lifestyle change that is slow and gradual.  I am not going to start going to the gym, and I can't become a vegetarian overnight.  So, I need to add or subtract small things in my life slowly and see how I manage that.  We have 44 weeks left in 2012, and if I lose 2 lbs a week I would be down 88 lbs by New Years.  That would put me at 197, which I vividly remember weighing under 200 in 1998 when I lived in Valparaiso, IN.  So it would be really exciting to get down to that weight, but I would still have much more to go.  I'm praying for some healing with my digestive track as well because it is off kilter to say the least.  I'm checking into FitAmerica.com.  So we'll see if they are a good fit.  Next step Biggest Loser Club.
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I'm grateful to Marcia for walking with me, and for God's grace to give me strength in this process.  I'm ready for health.