2 Jews walk into a bar

So I haven't written in a while, and it will probably be along time before I do. I'm not quite sure how 2009 will work out. I feel like God is stepping things up a notch, and I'll likely be putting my computer away for a while. Tis the season of consecration and such. So what does consecration have to do with a bad jew joke...nothing. I just needed a clever title.

So, in 2009 it will be goodbye facebook, blogspot, email, ebay and all other wastes of time. I'll probably attempt to cut out movies, so that means goodbye Netflix too. I'll likely be doing a lot more praying and reading. I've got a lot of teaching series that I will be listening to.

So, this is very well goodbye. I'll be leaving town on Thursday at noon, returning on the 5th of January or late the 4th. And I don't know when I'll open up my computer again. If you know my cell phone, then you know how to get in touch with me. This may go away to, and I may get a land line. We'll see. God hasn't let me renew my contract with Sprint for some reason...maybe it's this.

Love you! Shalom!

Turkish Delight

For probably three years now, I've been asking God for the ability to know his manifest love. What I mean by that is, I know (intellectually, theologically, theoretically) that He/God/Jesus loves me (for the Bible tells me so.) What I've always struggled with is the idea of an experiential knowledge of His love. What does it mean, What does it feel like, What does it look like to experience God's love? It's kind of the same thing with people around me. Friends and family...I know they love me...but what does that look like. Does that make sense? There are times when I "KNOW" I've been/am loved. Sometimes it's in the cards friends send in the mail, sometimes it's in the late night conversations...but those moments are honestly rare in my life. Most of the time I live my life with no real exposure to intimacy (or emotional encounters).

I wrote a poem many years ago, on 11/2/02 to be exact. It's called

"Eyes So Bright."

Take a walk with me
Back to yester-year, when life was free.
And there was the joy of coming
home after school, when Mom
With eyes so bright would greet you.
And dad would come home after work, tired
from a long day-yet when you climbed
in His lap and told your story for the day
His eyes reflected his interest
in your daring adventures. And
grandma's and grandpa's and people
everywhere you went greeted you with eyes
so Bright, you couldn't help know
that you were special.

Somewhere between then and now
People got busy and your story became less important.
But all you knew to do is to keep looking for
the light in someone's eyes. The fire in men
burned fiercely, but faded quickly.
And as you tap danced for God and pastors, like rabid
dogs showing their teeth as they snarl
you realize they are hungry for your talent not your heart.
"She can sing, she can dance--we'll elevate her above the rest"
and so your heart compromises yet once again.

Year's will go by and memories will fade.
In the end there will still be a little girl longing
for someone's eyes to smile at her.

--The End

I've been thinking about that poem quite a bit lately. At my new job, I feel useless. I'm working for a friend and that adds a lot of pressure. I want to feel his delight in me, I was his eyes to smile at me. He is a representation of how I see the Father. I get stuck in performance based "love." I'm so aware of the darkness of my heart, which compounds the ridiculousness of performance based love. Grace is an angel I wrestle with. I will not let go until you bless me, with a double portion even. And I will walk with a limp because of it.

I write all of this because on Friday night I went to a home church kind of thing in BFE. I had been telling God that I really needed to hear from him for the last couple of days. Kind of one of those "Are you still there?" or "Daddy, hold me" moments. It was a charismatic place to say the least....so there was a lot of speaking in tongues and prophetic worship going on. During the worship the leader called me out and began to prophesy over me. It happened real fast so I missed a lot of it. I heard him affirm my calling as an intercessor to/for the nations. I heard him say something about being in an Esther season of preparation. I don't really remember what else.

Then I felt God whisper to me Isaiah 49. I don't think I had ever read Isaiah 49 before (in whole). So these words were so sweet to me. I liken it to being surprised with flowers or a sweet card from your lover.

So in conclusion to this extremely long blog...I want to share with you words to a song called Beautiful by Bethany Dillon. I (and probably every other woman) completely understand the lyrics to this song.

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus] I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I hope you feel, hear, see, know, taste, touch, EXPERIENCE the Father's great love and delight in you today. You ARE beautiful.

Random Itunes humor

Though I was not tagged in Jeff's blog....I thought it was pretty funny, so I just stole it. Hope you laugh as much as I did....

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG TITLE DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the meme as well as the person you got the meme from.

Questions:

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Jesus Loves Me by the Bill Gaither Trio
Yes, I listen to the BG Trio. It's an albumn from my childhood. "I am a Promise" anyone?

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Through the Storm by Yolanda Adams
OMG...that is soooo true.

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Have you ever? by Shawn McDonald
I like a little bit of adventure and trying new things out.

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Rock of Ages by GLAD
Sometimes you gotta just know that your foundation is sure even when you don't feel like it. (My meme is not as funny as Jeff's) :(

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The Preacher Said, "Jesus Said" by Johnny Cash
Sometimes you gotta just speak the truth....

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Anthem by The Figureheads
I don't like Motto's, only anthems.

7) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Over the Rainbow by Shawn McDonald
I have definitely accused them of not being in touch with reality at times.

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Jacob's Ladder by 100 Portraits
Wish I had a way to get higher....

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
The Ninety and Nine by Andrew Peterson
I was always bad at math....

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
E Hia Ana Mai by Fragile Warriors
Loosely Translated....Freaking Awesome

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Isn't He by John Wimber
....coming soon? Please?

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The Heavenly Bridegroom by Mike Bickle
What can I say, I'm hooked on him

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Restoration by David Brymer
O sweet wholeness...let it be

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Diamonds from Sierre Leon by Kanye West
The most precious thing ever.....

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Daughters of Jerusalem by David Brymer
I knew I was Jewish!

16) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
The red covered bridge by Jesse Lee Campbell
...I got nothing

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Do you hear what I hear by Vince Gill
O, to hear his voice....I can't wait.


18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
After hours by 8 Bliss
I've always been a night owl.

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
My Glory by Tim Reimherr
I struggle with Grandiose thoughts....

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Back to the Middle by India Arie
They think I live in the extremes too often....


21) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Supernatural by DC Talk

Sometimes you just gotta wonder how these questions are answered so perfectly....it's gotta be Supernatural.

Well.....it's wasn't laugh out loud funny, but revelational none the less.

So since I only have 3-5 readers of this blog....I tag you all.

Enjoy.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

It's 5:53 in the morning. I've been up since 4:30. I had a migraine last night and probably didn't fall asleep until 11 or 11:30pm. For some reason, my migraine medicine makes me wake up early the next day. Normally I have this "somewhere over the rainbow" feeling but today I woke up sad.

This world that we live in is sad. I recently found the guy that I loved in high school on facebook. I remember the days when he loved Jesus. I'm not saying that he doesn't love Jesus now, but he's outing himself on facebook, which in many ways is a big step. He's never come out and admitted it to me. I'm just sad about it. I've grieved it many times. It's like someone has died.

I don't really know what to say to him. I've had a ton of gay friends. Another good friend of mine called me about a month ago and basically said that he's going back to being gay. He's tried living straight and pursuing God with a whole heart, but in the end is tired of feeling tortured. He told me last night, "I just want to be at peace." What I've realized in the last few hours is that the lack of chaos does not necessarily mean peace. When we give in to the temptations that are around us, we certainly silence the wrestling within us...but only for a moment. It becomes like a drug at that point...always needing just a bit more to be satisfied. True peace is something much bigger than the momentary silencing of tension in our lives.

When I lived in Wisconsin, I lived with two gay guys at one point and with two sisters (one of which was a lesbian.) I love this community. My heart breaks for them. I want to be an advocate for them. I want to show God's love to them. While my heart breaks for the LGBT community, there is something in my that is just rocked to the core when people who have known Jesus walk away from Him. I'm sure people have felt that about me as I've made many choices to walk away from Him, to run after the Sirens.

The thing is I don't know how to communicate with this high school friend. We'll call him Bob to protect his anonymoty ?. I don't know whether I should not say anything at all. I don't know whether I should re-assure him that he won't be rejected by me. I don't know whether to tell him that for every other gay person in the world, I could except them just as they are...but I don't think I could ever be ok with the choice that he's making. I don't know whether I can tell him, that I just want to fall down weeping, when I think about this. I've got a broken heart that has been broken multiple times over the last 20 years by this man. He abandoned our friendship with no explanation. Now is the first time that he's even acknowledged my existence and opened up a way to communicate to him. I'm sure that he's got a mask on that says he doesn't care what people's reactions are (mine included)...but I have to believe that somewhere deep inside of him, he's wanting to see how we'll respond.

So, I don't know what to do. As for now, I have to get ready for work. I have to catch the bus in 40 minutes.

Pray for me today if you read this. My emotions are a bit wacky in my post-migraine world. I seem to be extra sensitive. No time for sensitivity on Mondays.

I was going to write about something else today, I don't remember what it was. Maybe it'll come to me. Price of Peace...will you reign today over me.

Another Monday Morning Memo worth reading

Irrational Commitment
or, Why Did Wizard Academy Build a Free Wedding Chapel?

Irrational commitment is a powerful thing. It is the stuff of heroes. Legends live because of it.

And like anything powerful, it can be turned toward darkness.

But let us look toward the light.

Francis Bacon (1561-1626) made a fascinating observation during the days of Cervantes (1547-1616): Philosophy is based on reason and is, therefore, rational. Faith is based on revelation and is, therefore, irrational. Consequently, the greater the impossibility of the thing you believe, the greater the honor to God.

Faith is an irrational commitment of the heart, the pattern-recognizing right brain, not the deductive-reasoning left.

In Cervantes' book Don Quixote de la Mancha, our hero makes an irrational commitment to a common village girl who doesn't even know he exists. To the rest of us, there's nothing special about Aldonza Lorenzo. But in the mind of Quixote she embodies everything that is good and right and true. He sees in her a princess and calls her his lady Dulcinea.

Quixote's irrational commitment to Dulcinea gives him vision and focus and purpose.

Do you make your commitments in your rational mind, or in your irrational heart?

Quixote makes himself a fool for Dulcinea, and in her name accomplishes many impossible things.

Doing the impossible is easy when you're utterly committed and have pushed aside your logical mind.

Here's an example of an irrational commitment made by 56 men, 230 years ago:

"And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor."

Lady Liberty was their Dulcinea.

Here's another irrational commitment:

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America…"

America is a Lady, not a place. And many have given their lives for her honor.

But here, I believe, is the best irrational commitment of them all:

"…for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part."

In case I haven't made it clear: I am in favor of irrational commitment. "It is not good… to be alone."

On June 7, 1947, Paul Compton made an irrational commitment to Jean Johnson and in later years he would be called to deliver on his promise: Alzheimer's disease stole Jean from Paul, but left her frail body in his care. Strengthened only by the memory of their years together, Paul faced the never-ending job of caring for her empty shell 24 hours a day. And he did it without complaint for 20 long years.

I've never known a better man.

Paul and Jean had 4 daughters, all of whom work shoulder-to-shoulder with their husbands and have done so for more than 30 years. Miraculously, each of the girls is still married to her first husband, though none of those husbands is a prize. Trust me, I know them all. I'm the 18 year-old boy with no money and no future who married the youngest daughter.

If you would taste truth and beauty and grace, you must reach for the fruit of a tree planted deep in the soil of irrational commitment.

I wish you good fortune on your journey.

Roy H. Williams

silence

i haven't forgotten about you....i just don't have anything to say. i know that's a shocking confession...but it's true. I'll update soon, I promise.

What does it all mean?

So I signed up for eHarmony

I felt like God told me to sign up for eharmony. I picked up a q-tip, made sure my ears were clean, asked again...and he said "now's the time." WTF? There has been an urgency this last couple of weeks that I haven't so much felt before. So....I'm open to suggestions. Here's my basic criteria: 33-39 yrs old. I'd be willing to consider over 40, maybe. I happen to be attracted to multiple races. My main non-negotiable is that I want a passionate worshiper of Jesus. If he weeps at the mention of Jesus name, I'm hooked. We can live in the suburbs, the ghettos or anywhere in between. He should have a job of some sort too. I was not created to be a sugar-mama. Of course there are a lot of other qualities that can be broken down from there, but that will give each of you a good starting point, for your husband scavenger hunt assignment. :) Since I'm sending you on this wild goose chase, I thought I would tell you what character traits eHarmony thinks I would be most compatible with. Here we go:

You will do best with someone who is attentive and available when you need him, but doesn't smother you with attention. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship, but you may have problems with someone who feels a burning need to know every last detail about your past or every thought that crosses your mind. Your ideal mate is someone who isn't afraid to stand up for his opinions, but doesn't always feel the need to do so. However, you will not do well with someone who needs to dominate every conversation and win every argument. You will be happiest with a man who works to control his temper when he is upset. He generally has a long fuse, so he doesn't get mad very often. However, your best match needs to have a strong backbone in order to gain and keep your respect.

You will be happiest with a man who appreciates romance but doesn't shower you with chocolates and flowers every day. He's the kind of man who can be affectionate and cuddly in private, but doesn't overdose on sappy sentiments or public displays of affection. His friends and family see him as someone who is funny and interesting but who knows when to take things seriously. You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who's generally outgoing and vivacious but who appreciates a regular dose of quiet and relaxation to keep him at his best. You will be best matched with a man who is eager to find out more about things that interest him. He likes to learn about the world by trying new things, like exotic foods, a far-flung vacation destination or conversations with people from other cultures.

Your ideal mate is knowledgeable and well-read. His friends and family know him as someone who enjoys knowing a lot about certain subjects, without being someone who always needs to be the "smartest" guy in the room. Your ideal mate is the kind of man who is serious about putting his values into action. He feels a personal responsibility to make the world a better place and, unlike many people, he practices what he preaches. You are best suited to someone who shares your view that there's more to life than work.

So good luck to you in your search for my husband. God speed!

Insert string of explitives here

may we all be able to take joy in our trials and tribulations as these parents have.

"Transformation happens experientially, not intellectually."

Can I just begin by telling you how validating it was to read the quote that is the title to this blog. "Transformation happens experientially, not intellectually." That's pretty much been my hearts cry for the past several years. I have cried out, God I want to know your love, experientially. I know it intellectually...but I want to know your manifest love in my life.

So as I have asked God for that, I have made some progress, but probably not as much as I would like. This weekend at the Pursue Conference, I went up for prayer. The couple that prayed for me, knew bits and pieces of me, mostly thru different prayer times together. They proceeded to pray that God would reveal his love to me and that I would know that I know that I know how much God loves me. Awesome! Great prayer. Wait a minute....how did you know that was an issue...is what I thought to myself. Am I walking around like Pigpen on Charlie Brown? Is there a cloud of dust that follows me around? Was it discernment? Was it a Word of Knowledge? Had my friend who works with them been blabbing about me and my issues? No matter, it bothered me. I asked God how do we fix this, and I was reminded of a statement I had made a few days earlier. In reference to my work ethic, I told my boss..."I'm not hungry." (My boss is a friend, so I can have honest conversations like that and it not be weird.) I'll work, do my job, but there is not an internal drive to "be all I can be." I'm comfortable, satiated, complacent. Yuck! Which is why I tend to move to a new city. I need a jolt in my system. Somehow I've quit focusing on the beauty and majesty of Jesus, started focusing on my pain, and decided to become comfortable and even lazy when it comes to life. Be it a job, weight loss, dating, education...I've lost my drivenness. I want it back. But I want it refined, so that I can be driven relying on God's strength and not my own. Here are some more good quotes.

The following are quotes taken from the Monday Morning Memo by The Wizard.

“The brain has three natural roadblocks that stand in the way of truly innovative thinking:
1. flawed perception
2. fear of failure
3. the inability to persuade others.”
– Dr. Gregory Berns, neuroscientist, psychiatrist, and Distinguished Chair of Neuroeconomics at Emory University.

“It typically takes a novel stimulus – either a new piece of information or getting out of the environment in which an individual has become comfortable – to jolt attentional systems awake and reconfigure both perception and imagination. The more radical and novel the change, the greater the likelihood of new insights being generated.” – p.58, Iconoclast, by Gregory Berns.

Get out and smell the roses.

This is something I'm pondering. I'll write more later.

Homelessness in Lubbock

If you are interested in helping the homeless in Lubbock, here are a couple of options that you can be involved in:

1) Carpenter's Church feeds the homeless on Tuesday nights at 7pm. You can find out more information through Broadway Church of Christ.
2) The Bridge of Lubbock feeds the homeless on M, W, F at noon.
3) First United Methodist feeds the homeless on T, Th, Sa at 11:30. Check the time.
4) Broadway Church of Christ feeds the homeless on Sunday at lunch.

There are options if you really want to help.

Now open to the public

For your reading pleasure, the Paradoxical Prophet, is now open to the public. Enjoy.

Homosexuality

Before I jump into my subject for today, let me just say that there are only two of you who have access to read my blog. I'm still gun shy, I guess, that I'm going to say something stupid. So I haven't opened it up for everyone. I guess after a few entries, if I can trust myself, maybe I'll open it up.

Ok, now on to the topic at hand.

What would you do if a friend of yours called you asking for advise about their sexuality? Let's say your friend has struggled with their sexuality for 10+ years. And I say struggled, really only because their sexual inclinations don't line up with the Biblical prescriptions for sexuality. And really, I don't know if it's so much a struggle with the Bible as much as it is with the church, because your friend knows that the gay lifestyle is a sin, but "can't help it" because freedom hasn't come yet. In that place, it's the church's response that makes the current predicament all the more painful.

So your friend calls you, and says that they have tried over and over and over again to do things the right way, but continue to fail, thereby living a tormented life. Not free enough to live celibate/straight loving Jesus, not hardened enough to live a full on gay life.

So your friend calls, in that crux of a moment wanting to know what to do. Keep on living in torment, attempting to run the race laid before them, yet falling every few minutes OR let go of the torment, live gay and love Jesus, hoping that someday healing will come in His hands/timing instead of something that humanity initiates.

What would you say? What do you say, when you know that the chances of there being any Christians who will welcome your friend into fellowship despite the brokenness that is so evident in their life.

What do you say if your friend calls and is in the same situation but the sin is adultery? Promiscuity? Pornography? Theft? Laziness? Financial Irresponsibility? Selfishness? Anger? Etc...

When did the church become an agency of laws and regulations instead of the co-author of grace?

My heart is heavy for my friend. I sent my friend away with permission to live in the moment, without expectations from religion, society, etc. I sent my friend away, with a prayer that the voice of the Lord would be heard clearly saying, "Though you are very dark, you are very lovely in my eyes." I know that those words were freeing and painful. I sent my friend away knowing full well they will end up in a lovers arms, Jesus will continue to love, and consequences will come (both good and bad). My heart hurts for my friend.

My heart hurts for the church. My heart hurts for our bridegroom, because his bride is so messed up.

____________________________
One last thought. Politically, Christians say "vote the Bible". How do you prioritize political issues that all have Biblical roots. What makes Abortion a more Biblical issue than the environment?

Just curious. ;)

Madame Blueberry

I think Madame Blueberry is the Veggie-tale that has impacted my life the most. I am constantly reminded of how horribly ungrateful I am. Over these last few months I have been drowning in the heaviness of life. It seemed as though crappy circumstances were on every corner. I tried to count it all as joy. (Freudian slip...I typed in "count it as job"...as in the guy who suffered)

Now that there is less "suffering" in my life I see myself watching the lives of others who are suffering much more than I.

My brother Cole buried a friend from high school yesterday, who was murdered two days ago in the "Road-Rage" Murder in Lubbock of Daniel Green. It was extremely hard on Cole to bury our grandfather 4 months ago, and now to have to bury a friend. One he worked with, drank with, laughed with. It's so sad. Cole and his friends are only 24.

My friend Kyle is 26 and had open heart surgery one week ago.

My uncle who has MS, fell and broke his hip. He had to have surgery yesterday. They cannot treat his pain because of the MS. This is just after his mother had been in the hospital because her stomach was bleeding. And less than a month after his father was in the hospital with open heart surgery. Gramps will have to go back in to have another surgery in a few weeks.

So I guess all I'm saying is that I know there are people who have much worse circumstances.

I try to be grateful, but it doesn't come out like I hoped.

Holly and I went to see "The Secret life of Bees" on Friday. There was a sister May who carried the weight of the world on her. I have felt like that. I don't want to feel like that anymore. It's not my burden to carry.

Lord help me. Be with Cole, Claude, Kyle and Daniel's family.

God of Second Chances

As I sit here, debating whether I should join the blogging world again, I am grateful that I serve a God of second chances. For those of you that don't know me, but are familiar with the personality tests that describe you as a color, I am GREEN. I'm also a high blue. But I am really GREEN. So I do a lot of thinking, analyzing, contemplating, etc. With such deep introspection usually comes the need to verbalize. And unfortunately it's not always pretty. You see, sometimes in the past I have been known to reveal the darkest parts of my soul. Part of that is because my pendulum has swung to full on authenticity/vulnerability. I despise/loathe the pretentious nature of the church. Christians walk around pretending their lives smells of roses, conveniently ignoring the manure that helps those roses grow.

That all being said, there has been too much darkness out there about me. My blogs have gotten me in a lot of trouble. I have publicly mocked my friends (apparently, I was just reminded of that...and am terribly sorry about it too), told X rated details of my life, and I feel have done the very thing that I hoped never to do: heap more shame on the name of Jesus. I do a good enough job, just by screwing up all the time...but to blab about it too is Terrible.

So, after a few years of self imposed grounding, I hesitantly return to the world of blogging. Consider this diatribe both a warning and an invitation. I am a paradoxical prophet. I am not ashamed of the Gospel, and praise God that He's not ashamed of me. In fact, he calls me lovely. It's a miracle beyond my understanding.