Unafraid of Shadows

So I decided to have a blog just for my cancer journey.  This one is called "Journey through the Shadow".  You can find it here:  http://unafraidofshadows.blogspot.com/.  For me the idea comes from a song by Misty Edwards called "It's only a shadow".  The concept is that we may journey through the valley of the shadow of death, but it's not death.  It's just a shadow.  So I'm journeying through a shadow, but even if physical death comes, a spiritual death is not possible.  And my attitude is set on being "Unafraid of the shadow".  So, if you want to follow the journey there, then you are welcome to, but I want to try to keep it separate from normal life issues. 

italy pt 2

		What a day!  It started with several hours of blah-blah-blah corporate encouraging blah.  It was somewhat decent, in that it talked about having an emotional IQ and how to deal with people.  Hmph.  Whatever.  The fun part came around 2 pm when me and Forrest and his wife Jennifer went on an adventure into the city.  Walking, walking, walking.  Still amazed by the textures and layers of this city.  Ancient, graffiti, modern, all in the same place.  Imagine if you will, one of the homes from the Ranching Heritage Center (you know a "real old one" from 1780) and put it in Texas Tech, then put the bus station with all it's graffiti and low income peoples surrounding it in the mix.  But then you also have to have the ultra modern, so you throw in a McDonalds and the Louise Hopkins Underwood Center for Arts and Design.  (These images will only be relevant to you if you live in Lubbock, obviously.) Ok, so.......then we walked.  And we saw the Trevi Fountain, and we saw the Pantheon and we saw Dianna's Temple, and a war memorial and a ton of stuff.  And I walked for 5 hours.  And I'm tired. All I can say is this is incredible.  Ginormous buildings. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience.  Like I'm dreaming.  So incredibly surreal. When I went to Mount Rushmore years ago I felt like my education had been worthwhile.  That's not how I feel now.  It's more like my education has failed me to a certain extent.  When was the Pantheon built?  I don't know.  What's it's exact purpose?  Hmmm...to worship many gods? At the same time though, it is not lackluster.  It's tremendous.  I've never seen things this big and this ornate.  It's kind of the antithesis of Time Square.  While TS is big it's modern and it overwhelms your senses.  This is just dumbfounding and awe inspiring.  And.....and....and....idk. Tomorrow, the Vatican Museum, St. Peter's basilica and the Coliseum.

My Italian Love Affair pt. 1

I arrived in Rome at 7:15 am Wednesday morning, which is approximately 2 am in Texas, I think.

It was mostly a good flight with just a bit of turbulence from Dallas to Boston.  Boston to Rome was fairly uneventful.  Shortly after takeoff, we ate dinner and watched a movie.  I only had 6 hours after eating until we landed so I didn't take a full dramamine to help me sleep.  I just took half and it worked well.  I slept about four hours and then watched another movie and landed in Rome.

Upon arrival, I found my car service to take me to the hotel.  We had about an hour drive into downtown Rome.  The first thing I noticed was the layers of texture and architecture.  Driving into Rome, you see lush gardens that reminded me of Florida, old buildings with graffiti that reminded me of any inner city, huge churches, and very modern architecture.

Once we got into downtown, I was amazed at the quintessential non-American feel to the street vendors.  As we were winding through the roads, the driver was pointing out things and all of the sudden on my left was the Coliseum.  It felt kind of like going to the Alamo.  You expect something so historic to not be sitting in the middle of downtown.  But there it was.  Beautiful. 

When I got to the hotel my room was not ready, so I basically had to store my luggage and go explore.  Perfect.  I walked down the street and bought postcards, found a store to sell me a new battery for my camera (I left the other one in the charger at home), and bought stamps at the post office.  I'm not real sure how all that happened since I don't speak Italian and they barely spoke English.  So either God was on my side ....nope I'm sure that was what it was.

I think it's about noon here and 6 am there.  I am really tired.  My room won't be ready for another couple of hours probably.  I'm anxious for a shower and a nap.  Once those things are accomplished, then it will be time for our welcome meeting and dinner.  Tomorrow we have meetings from 9a-5p.  Friday we go to the Vatican Museum, Sistine Chapel and Coliseum. 

Sorry for rambling. I'm tired. It was much more eloquent in my head I'm sure.  :)

Short fuse

I have a confession to make.  I've actually made it many times, but it keeps becoming all the more true in my life.  I am weak.  I don't know what it is about turning 35 but I am spent.  I don't have the stamina to last an entire semester at the pace I normally live at.  This semester I have been in school full time, working the equivalent of 30 hours per week and been planning an event at Tech for 500-1000 ppl.  We're just barely past the midpoint of the semester and I'm done.  I am so grateful to be going to Italy.  Though it's really inconveinent, it will be such a great refreshing experience.  I just hope I can come back and finish the semester well.

I SERIOUSLY need to lose weight and get healthy.  Especially if I am going to spend a semester overseas.  Maybe that's where it will happen.  <>

Dying to yourself is hardwork.  My first step will need to be getting off sugar.  How the crack monkey is that supposed to happen?  <>

I'm really hoping, asking the Lord to give me another one of those life transforming moments, like he did when I was in Brazil, in Italy.  Let the winds blow...you know, the good healthy revitalising winds.  Not the destructive winds that turn out good in the end. 

I can tell my paradigm is going to be blown.  That's what happens when you experience life in something so completely foreign to you.  I'm so eagerly anticipating this experience. 

I've become such a "feather in the wind" Christian.  To a certain extent I've really lost the intentionality of my life.  The vision is gone.  I'm just floating, catching each new updraft.  I long to have a dream again in my heart and yet I don't know if I can handle it.  I'm sooooo done with hope deferred.  I'm just trying to float and hope...kind of like Hope Floats.  Great movie.  Has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

There are things I'm passionate about:  human trafficking, prayer, justice/injustice, and the domains of society, anthropology and college students.

It feels so random.  Oh well, we'll see what comes.  Until then, I'll just keep floating.  Someday I'll land on something that makes it all make sense. 

Gratitude Journal

I've been challenged to do a gratitude journal.  Instead of doing 10 a day, I'm going to try 30 a week and see if that works.

So here goes another attempt at being grateful:

1.  I am grateful that God helped me find my retainer.  I thought I had lost it after my camping trip.  It helps when I have migraines so I was going to be really sad if I lost it.

2.  I'm grateful for people who will give me a ride to and from work when my car is broken down.

3.  I'm grateful that I have a job that I can blog at.

4.  I'm grateful for indoor plumbing...be right back.  ;)

5. I'm grateful that Marcia went camping with me last weekend.  I would have been an even greater bumbling idiot without her there.

6.  I'm grateful for friends who push me to be better than I am.

7.  I'm grateful for friends who love me despite myself.

8.  I'm grateful that God talks to me despite the fact that I avoid spending intentional time with him.

9.  I'm grateful for my free trip to Rome.

10.  I'm grateful that it won't interfere with my classes to bad.

11.  I'm grateful I had the funds to get my car fixed.

12.  ...................   12.........................   12....................... 12.  Aha, I'm grateful for our new Sun Harvest.

13.  I'm grateful for bulk wasabi peas, coconut sorbet, and coconut/aloe water.  I'm not so grateful for the dried kale chips.  They're just weird.

On a side note, I am so nervous to travel to Rome.  I think there's a good chance that I'll be doing an international flight by myself.  It's kind of nauseating.  I've also arranged to stay in Rome for 24 hours after the conference by myself.  I've reserved a room at a hostel but wowzers it's scary.

Well clearly I can do 13 today, let's see if in a few days I can come up with another 17.

blah blah blog

I have been requested to write a blog. I have nothing to say.  My brain is mush. I leave for Rome in 2 weeks. Yeah!

accusations

Over the process of the last decade or so, the thing that God has been teaching me is that His character exists outside of my circumstances, meaning that my circumstances don't dictate his character. If I am poor it doesn't change the fact that he is still my provider. If God doesn't answer my prayer requests the way I want Him to, it doesn't mean he is not faithful. Things to keep in mind. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. His plan for each human being is that we would 1) know His son 2) be made into the image of his son. Anything else that happens in this world is superfluous. Wealth, health, success, fame, etc are all secondary (if not tertiary, or 293 iary) in the Kingdom of God. So what do we do then as humans when we are confronted with pain? We ask God to change our circumstances. It's the wrong thing to pray. The correct prayer should be to ask God to change us. Not that he doesn't want to change our circumstances, but that's like going to a bank and asking them to do a heart surgery. You're asking the wrong question to the wrong person. You've got to go to a doctor to get a heart surgery. So with God, we have to ask him God questions...heart transformation questions. That's the business of God. So let's say you're presented with pain, and you are asking God to change your circumstances and your circumstances don't change. Then what? The enemy comes in and lies to you. He tells you that God has abandoned you. He accuses the character of God to you. In the Garden, in Genesis 3, we see this being played out for the first time.
The Fall of Man
1Now (A)the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?"

2The woman said to the serpent, "(B)From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat;

3but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'"

4(C)The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die!

5"For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and (D)you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

6(E)When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.

7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they (F)knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.
God told Adam/Eve don't eat from this tree. So when she was confronted with that boundary (rules are just like painful circumstances, because we are confronted with our weakness and we are given a choice of who will be God in our lives) the enemy came in and told her that 1) God is a liar. He says you'll die but you won't. 2) He is holding out on you. He is keeping good things from you like the ability to know good and evil. 3) He doesn't have your best interest at heart or he wouldn't be holding out on you. The enemy accuses the character of God to Eve. This puts her in a position of whom she will believe. Will she believe in the character of God or will she believe the lies of the enemy. Will she allow God to be God or will she choose to be in control of her own fate. Eve/Adam like the rest of humanity after them have been confronted with this exact same situation and have believed the lies of the enemy. We have allowed the enemy to convince us that God is not who he says he is. God's character is outside of the space/time continuum. He is: loving, just, faithful, a provider, merciful,long suffering, slow to anger, quick to love, peace, etc. When I am confronted with pain I get to choose who to believe. When I believe that God is who he says he is, I ask him to transform me into the the image of his son. So whatever his character is I step into agreement with that part of him, and am changed.

So when you have the capacity to see that God's character is being accused in your life, you are at one of those moments where you get to choose who will be God. You get to choose to be transformed. I imagine that God is like a waterfall and I'm standing in the desert. When I step into his character and believe him, I am refreshed. All of the sudden the places of fear and doubt are washed away and I believe that God does have my best interest at heart and that he is not holding out on me. He longs to bless his children. If an earthly father would give his child good gifts how much more will the heavenly father. Again, they are tertiary at best. His main purpose is that I know his son, and am transformed into the image of his son. That means there will be crosses to bear, and there will be a choice to die to myself. But those are the moments when we are closest to him. The cross is the greatest invitation to intimacy. When we share in the sufferings with Christ, we will know him better than those who don't go to the painful places.

I pray for our family that apathy will be removed from our house and that we will long see with clarity the beauty of the man, Christ. I pray that in times of pain and frustration we will choose to believe that God is who He says He is, and will ask to be transformed into the likeness of the Son. I pray that we will carry our crosses, choose to die, so that we may have new life in Him.

He is worth it! He is all together lovely!

Yertle the Turtle

When I was little there was a book, called Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss.  I honestly didn't remember what it was about, so I just looked it up.  It's the story of the Tower of Babel written in Seussisms.  The Turtle King stood on top of all his subjects trying to be higher than the moon, until the turtle on the bottom burped and everyone fell down.

I bring up the title, for no other reason than, I feel like a turtle these days.  When tragedy strikes, I feel like I emotionally crawl inside my turtle shell and try to find God in my midst.  While that may seem noble and super spiritual, it's really just my own defense mechanism to protect me from pain.  Imagine if you will a turtle in the middle of a city during a massive earthquake.  The chances of that turtle shell actually protecting it from falling debris is slim to none.  My protective mechanisms are futile and often counter-productive. 

Really there is only one place that is safe for me to be:  my strong tower of Refuge, Jesus.  I feel like a little girl who's being threatened and who runs to hide behind her dad for protection. 

Love is so painful to me.  Donald Miller said recently in one of his blog posts by his dog Lucy, "It hurts to love, but it’s worth it. Love wouldn’t be so beautiful if you didn’t have to die a little bit to create it. Love has always cost pain."

I love deeply and intensly.  My sweet friend, Anne Baker said to me in an email, "My heart can well imagine the deepness of your grief. You have such a deep and compassionate and loyal heart. You love so deeply and completely. I know your pain is just taking your breath away. And I know there is only One who really understands that pain and grief. May His hold on you give you breath, comfort, and peace."  It was good for my heart to hear, that people know the depth of my passion.  Amazingly, I've spent my life with people who still don't fully understand me.  I know it's my own special way of sharing in the sufferings of Christ, that I love deeply and grieve deeply when my friends lives are going through turmoil.  I don't handle tragedy well, particularly unexpected tragedy.  I don't guess tragedy is ever expected.  I think a lot of it has to do with foundations.

I guess the truth is that I build my foundation on shaky things:  friendships, circumstances, etc.  So when tragedy comes and rattles my foundations.  Let me tell you, Jesus is shaking everything that can be shaken.  It is difficult for me to keep a mindset that Jesus and his character is the only thing that I can stand on firmly.  I want to believe the best in people.  I want to be able to believe that my friends are solid, their reputations are solid, their marriages are solid, etc.  I want to be able to stand and not be shaken in that.  I want to stand on the fact that people will live forever, despite the reality that people will die, sin, break up.  My heart wants heaven so bad because this world is painful. 

Keep me in your prayers as I go through this shaking. 

grammar

Tell me if I'm wrong grammatically.

This relationship has me in a paradox of emotions.

These emotions are paradoxic.

I'm feeling quite paradoxical today.

I am a paradoxic prophet.

Clearly the reason I've written this is because I see that my blogs title may be grammatically incorrect.  Why has no one pointed this out to me as of yet.

forgiveness

Was taught a new meaning of forgiveness today. So imagine someone does something that hurts you. They owe you a debt. Unforgiveness is wanting them to repay a debt they can never repay. Forgiveness is realizing that Jesus paid all of our debts. So you take the debt that someone owes you and give it to him to repay. Someone stole your peace/joy/innocence/trust, let Jesus repay you with a double portion.

This new revelation came in very handy.  I seem to be faced daily with a choice to forgive.  So if you'll bare with me, I think this blog is really going to be a letter to Jesus asking him to repay me for somethings that have been stolen.

Jesus, I bring to you today these debts that are owed to me and I ask that you repay me what was stolen.  Many years ago, my innocence was stolen, Jesus will you give me a double portion of innocence back.  Throughout the years people in various shapes and sizes have rejected me for various reasons.  This was them stealing my sense of belonging, my ability to trust, my sense of connectedness.  Jesus will you restore what was stolen from me.  Jesus, my sense of self worth was stolen from me many years ago.  Will you restore to me my sense of self worth.  Will you forgive me for the times that I tried to create a worth in my own right, outside of you?  Jesus, many years ago I trusted you fully and completely.  Different times of pain in my life have stolen the trust that I once gave to you.  Will you restore my ability to trust you completely.  Jesus, I have had relationships stolen from me that were very dear to me.  Will you restore these relationships to me?  Jesus, will you restore my faith that was stolen from me.  Jesus, I've carried around shame for years like a parting gift.  Will you take it from me and replace it with a sense of honor that only you can give?  Jesus, my reputation has been stolen from me.  Will you restore it, so that I can rightfully give it back to you? Jesus, as of late several people have hurt me deeply by not choosing to value me like you do.  In a way, they are stealing my value.  Will you restore my value to my friends.  I admittedly don't know if I'm doing this right.  All I know to do is to come to you with my hurt and ask you to fix it.  I don't even know at this moment what has been fully stolen as of late.  I know my ability to trust people at face value is gone.   Each time crisis happens, I feel as though my peace, joy and security are stolen.  Will you restore my ability to trust, be at peace, be joyful and feel secure.

Jesus, I release all the people who have stolen from me over the years from their false responsibility to repay me.

Jesus, more than ever in my life, I want you to be my all in all.  Help me let go of the lies and the false security systems and trust you more and more completely. 

God's Abundance

I love this book.  I gave it to Cole several years ago because he was a new dad.  There's a chapter in it on how to be a father to girls.  It's soooooo good.  It's in some ways a condensed version of what he says in 'Wild at Heart' or 'Captivating', but in  other ways it's much more refined and applicable.


I guess I have been thinking about the heart of girls because of the whole Girls Gone Wild event in Lubbock last night.  Some friends and I decided to go out last night, and we went to Moose Magoo's.  They too were have a night focusing on boobs, but in a different manner.  They were having a concert for Breast Cancer.  Could have been an amazing event with just a bit better advertising and a lower cover charge.  $15 is expensive.  I wouldn't have paid that much to see Billy Idol or other vague yet definitely better well known artist.

Tonight, I've been listening to an audio-book by Craig Gross. Craig is on the leadership team at XXX Church.com.  Craig has written several books, which I hear are amazing and I hope to read someday.  Craig's church deals specifically with the issue of pornography and sexual addiction.
I wish I had had the time this morning to take a picture.  In the parking lot of the Buddy Holly Center, next to Bash Riprocks where the GGW event was held, this afternoon laid a single high heeled shoe, alone in the parking lot.  I feel like that summed up the night quite well.  I guess the reason I get so passionate about all this stuff is because I have felt used and abused sexually most of my life.  At least 24 of 35 years has had some effects be they overt or subvert.  (Is that the proper use of subvert?)

So I get it.  I get what happens to women when they have been violated by incest and rape.  I get it when women are convinced that their only value is in their sexual ability.  I get how pornography is addicting.  I get how once you give in to one perversion, the rest tumble down like an avalanche.  I get it.  And it makes me angry.  It's so not of God.  It is the antithesis of his heart cry.  For women and for men.  There is so much more.

I wish I had the money to make some t-shirts.  I did a quiz amongst my friends to see what kind of t-shirt they would make if they were protesting GGW.  There were some great ones.

Mia:  "Oh yeah!! Shake what your mama gave ya...cause your brother and daddy are probably watchin" :)

Michaela:  Self esteem has got me COVERED!
 
Shaun:  "Girls Gone Wild" Advertising Inevitable date rape victims since 1998!

 Melissa: real men flash a ring first

and Beth:  "my boobs look better with my shirt on".

And on a slightly different yet not to far off note, I think I have to also add to this weird ness, that I can't help but keep thinking of El Shaddai yesterday and today. Some people may be surprised to know that one of the meanings for El Shaddai is "the many breasted one" or "all sufficient one."  To quote the wikipedia article linked in the previous sentence, "It is often paraphrased in English translations as "Almighty" although this is an interpretive element. The name then refers to the pre-Mosaic patriarchal understanding of deity as "God who is sufficient." God is sufficient, that is, to supply all of one's needs, and therefore by derivation "almighty". It may also be understood as an allusion to the singularity of deity, "El", as opposed to "Elohim" (plural), being sufficient or enough for the early patriarchs of Judaism. To this was latter added the Mosaic conception of the tetragrammaton YHWH, meaning a God who is sufficient in Himself, that is, a self-determined eternal Being qua Being, for whom limited descriptive names cannot apply. This may have been the meaning the Hebrew phrase "ehyeh asher ehyeh" (which translates roughly as "I will be that which I will be") and which is how God describes himself to Moses cf. Exodus 3:13-15. This phrase can be applied to the tetragrammaton YHWH, which can be understood as an anagram for the three States of Being: past, present and future, conjoined with the conjunctive Hebrew letter.

So in Lubbock, TX on June 12th of 2010, we have both the GGW and a Breast Cancer event, and God reminds me that he is known as the many breasted one, the all sufficient one.  It is my prayer that these girls and men, would know deeply the God who has the power, grace, love and desire to supply all their needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and financially.  The mother heart of God longs to draw her children to her and cover them with her wings so that they can nurse and trust and be satiated.  

I would be completely remiss, if in this blog I didn't mention Amy Grant's song El Shaddai from the 80's.

Righteousness and Justice are the foundations of His throne

Our society is morally bankrupt. The value of a human life has been degraded to nothing through the things like porn/soft-porn of GGW (Girls Gone Wild),sex traficking and abortion. It all goes together. What we don't understand is that it is like a butterfly effect. One girl flashes her tata's in Lubbock (igniting or fanning the flame of lust in men, a guy in Minnesota buys the video, a guy in Asia kidnaps women and sells them into prostitution, she gets pregnant and is forced to abort. Women are then devalued and feel like the only thing ... valuable about them is their tata's and they start the whole cycle all over again. We need to bring back modesty, human dignity, and value each other because of our inherent value as God's children! Their are haters out there who would say that I'm old fashioned or unfit to talk about this cause I'm fat. But that just proves my point. My value is not in my size 2 or 22 jeans. This is a justice issue at it's core. We must fight for justice in the area of entertainment. ***stepping off soap box now*** :)

The text above is all a quote from my post on facebook yesterday.  As I was typing it I was reminded of a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out about the lack of Justice in a the TV show Glee.  Now I love me some Glee and feel like it's on par for today's level of morality in America.  You've got a token teenage pregnancy, a token gay/sexually confused boy, the vain cheerleaders, etc.  In a recent episode, we find Kurt (the sexually confused boy) exploring the idea of redecorating his room to bring in a possible step brother, Finn (the all american boy), whom Kurt has a crush on.  Finn repsonded to this situation horribly and made many crude remarks of anti-gay sentiments.  Finn was rightly condemned (and I use that word lightly) for being a jerk.  The problem though was the show did not adequately convey that Finn was not the only one in the wrong.  If you are heterosexual and are put in a situation where you have to share a room with a homosexual that has a crush on you, it's gonna be awkward.  For some reason this show felt like it wasn't ok to show that.  While Kurt's feelings were glorified because he was being rejected, Finn's feelings were completely ignored.  The lack of justice in this issue had me quite frusterated. 

So it is with these two issues Girls Gone Wild and Glee, that I find myself being really frustrated by the lack of justice in entertainment.  I've gotten quite used to the lack of morality and have reduced the amount of crap that I will watch because of it.  But the lack of justice is fire to my rocket.  I get hot over that issue.  I guess I will always fight for the underdog.

frugality part deux

So I printed off some coupons yesterday and went to the store.  I bought some things that I wouldn't normally but wouldn't mind buying.  I feel like my great deal of the day was 3 Lean Cuisine pizza's for $4.  I would say in all I saved about $10.

Today I'm going to head to Walgreens and CVS and pick up some purchases there. 

Living frugally emotionally is different though, at least for me.

I have to say that when a new friend (woman) comes into my life, it is easy to take it as it is and not hope or dream of us being the bestest of friends.  I have grace for the situation and will let that chemistry develop naturally.  However if that friend is a man, it becomes a very different story.  I feel like that deep void in my heart that longs to be loved is like this ugly monster that comes out when a man comes around.  I've really been wrestling with that, and keep talking to God about it.  He's told me in no uncertain terms to just take things one day at a time and be prepared to take this relationship on a ride down the long haul.  I feel like that is good advise for both my boy friend and for myself.  I think we both need the time to develop friendship and trust with each other before we take it further.  I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, it's just easier to take things to a physical level and avoid the emotional stuff.  That's so true, and so deadly.  As I continue to engage God and bring Him into my day to day and process these fears and hopes, I find I want to avoid the emotions a whole lot (ie make out).  Deep inside my heart though I know that I'd be robbing myself and him of something beautiful down the line. 

After having a 20+ year relationship with my high school friend, and going through the emotional roller coaster there in, I swore to myself I would never have just another 'guy friend.'  It's painful.  It's painful to develop emotional intimacy and not have it progress to the next level of relationship.  Of course in the ever popular 'When Harry met Sally' we grapple with whether or not men and women could actually be friends. I know he and I have certainly had our struggles in that area.  Or rather, I have struggled in that area.  I found myself being attracted to him in our early 20's and again was so desperate to be loved that I put us both into very compromising situations.  Some boundaries were crossed, but by the grace of God we were able to maintain our friendship.  Now, we have an incredible relationship and a deep intimacy that doesn't allow for hiding things.  Such a relationship is hard to maintain and I have found myself being very jealous when he starts dating someone.  Deep down though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would annoy the hell out of each other if we had to live together.  We may end up in the same nursing home harassing each other in 60 years, but that's a long time from now. 

He and I have discussed that men and women have different currencies by which we are paid (get charged up) and pay out (charge up someone else).  Men have a physical currency and women have an emotional currency.  I think this is where the trouble between male-female friendships really exists.  Friendships by nature deal in an emotional currency.  There is another very important component within this mix though, and that is that ultimately the way men and women are designed is to progress in intimacy.  So women typically have to be wooed emotionally before they'll give themselves physically to a man, and many men find it easier to be emotionally intimate after their physical needs have been met.  So for women the emotional stuff automatically leads to a desire to merge.  When a man is emotional though, they don't have the natural instinct to follow it up with something.  It usually is the follow up.  Now I may be wrong, and am eager to have any man share his thoughts with me. 

Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's "easy" to draw boundaries for physical intimacy outside of marriage, but it is very difficult to draw boundaries for emotional areas.  My friend now makes a lot of awkward sexual jokes and inneuendos when he's with me.  I feel like that type of conversation is really meant to be only between 'the guys' or between people with an expressed intention on someday fulfiling those sexual promises.  But sexual jokes between men and women who are just friends is inappropriate.  It certainly does not make me feel like a lady.  It detracts from my value.  I deserve to be cherished and protected.  Of course in 2010, it's pretty hard to find someone who won't laugh at an innuendo.  So I laugh, because I'm not sure how to communicate to him that I don't like it without hurting his feelings.  Plus there's all the danged ambiguity in our relationship that makes this so messy. 

That's all for now...be blessed!

frugal living: financially, emotionally and spiritually

I had some really brililant words typed out earlier, and then the internet crashed....so now I'm bitter and wordless. 

The basic idea is that I am going to attempt to live on a budget and save some money buy couponing and getting things free.  I'm learning how to live frugally by following the following blogs:  The Rapt Northerner and Money Saving Mom. 

I'm going to attempt to do couponing.  My budget has been cut significantly by taking a minimum wage job of which I only work part time, while also switching to a major university where tuition costs are much higher.  In the past I've been able to use the excess from grants and loans to pay some bills, but that will not be the cast next semester.  So in anticipation of my purse being a bit tighter and in general just some preperation for all things that may lie ahead I feel like now is a good time to put some Prov 31 skills into action. 

So here I go.

I'll let you know how it goes.  I think the hardest part for me is going to be the forethought necessary to live this way as well as the discipline that comes with living a budgeted life.  I'm treating this as a spiritual discipline though, and asking God to encounter me in this change.  If you haven't ever heard of spiritual disciplines, I highly recommend Richard Foster's book "Celebration of Discipline".  Another good one is "The Spirit of Disciplines" by Dallas Willard.

As I hinted at earlier, I believe the seasons are changing in my life and I am trying to adjust to all the new things going on in my world.  I have found myself on a rollercoaster of emotions recently as I'm engaging in a slightly deeper friendship with a good guy friend.  There is a significant amount of ambiguity going on, and I am quite sure I have felt every emotion because of said amiguity.  This has really become an invitation to trust God in ways that my heart was not quite prepared to trust him.  Learning to discern the difference between my hopes, expectations, God's will, and what things are ok to settle on and not feel cheated has been quite challenging.  Needless to say, it has brought up fear, insecurities and old wounds that I was not prepared to deal with on this occasion.  I tie this in with my decision to change my finances around because I believe the idea of living frugally is a way of stewarding what God has given you.  We are called to steward our finances, which I think most people would understand.  I think though, and maybe I'm crazy, that especially in the friendship/dating process there is a certain amount of stewarding our love and emotions so as not to spend them foolishly.  I'm a lover.  Always have been.  I love people wholly and quickly.  I have lived a life of putting the cart before the horse, and feel like I'm now seeing how strenous that is on a Godly relationship. 

I have more thoughts, but I am about to get off work, so I must close and continue this later. 

More frugal thoughts coming soon, until then be blessed!

tension

It is hard to trust God when your dignity is at stake. It is hard to trust that He has your good in mind, when the only possible outcome is humiliation.  It's hard to dream, to hold onto His promises, to believe... when the enemy comes and lies and says that God is a trickster.  It reminds me of the words my friend Wendy Andrews wrote,

"A servant of the Lord visited them one day, when they “were old, advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing,” and he spoke to them a confirmation of the Promise’s arrival: “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife will have a son.” And Sarah, listening in at the door of the tent, “laughed to herself” at the relaying of these words.

I know that laugh. It’s a little sarcastic and a tiny bit bitter. It’s self-protective, because it’s a lot safer to shrug off words whose reception would have to mean hope in what’s still unseen. If she chooses to believe but is wrong in the end, then she looks like an utter fool, and maybe worse yet, feels like onel. Her laugh is a little hopeless and despairing but not too far down that road, because living there for too long becomes completely unbearable. It’s so much easier to live a little dead, just coasting, pretty much along for the ride. The Lord said to Abraham, Sarah’s husband, “Why did Sarah laugh, “saying, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?’

“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”

Oh, these words pierce my heart. It’s a rhetorical question asked by the Creator and Author and Main Character in the Story whose End is quite settled. “Then the Lord took note of Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.” In this fulfillment of a 25-year Promise, God kindly watered Sarah’s a-little-bit-hardened-heart and she flourished in the goodness of God in the land of the living.

“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”

I don’t believe so. My head doesn’t believe so, I mean. My heart might disagree. That’s okay, though, because He has never been intimidated by what I can see with my eyes. He is very good at convincing me at the deepest level that He is kind and loving, not a trickster, that He is indeed taking note of me as He had said."

I want so badly to defend my honor, to speak plainly and definitively about my intentions, to reaffirm that it is my job to follow the leader of this dance but I cannot.  I must remain in the tension, for to assert myself would be to force the issue of promise and I don't want to end up with an Ishamel in this situation.

Lord help me to trust you!

Blame it on MEve

Over the last week or so, I've realized what a self serving, undisciplined, hypocritical person I've become (have been for a long time).  I know, you're thinking.  Wow Jill, simma down now.  But it's true.  I used to be one who could belt out "I surrender All." and mean it.  I was willing to sell any/everything, send my family up river, move to god forsaken territories for the sake of Christ.  Not so much anymore. Somehow my 20's and early 30's have become a comfort seeking orgy.  Not literal orgy, mind you. You can see the results of self gratification in my body, my finances, my unorganized house. 

Ok, so my friend Sharina recommended a blog by Jon to me called "Stuff Christians Like."  I had just started following him on Twitter, and didn't even know about the blog yet.  Today's blog was about fasting.  Oy Vey.  Talk about a four letter word.  Being a lover of words, though, I decide to look fast up in Websters.  Here's what ole' Webby has to say about the word Fast:
There are 3 different words that Webster's defines Fast-1, Fast-2, Fast-3...this is some of the definitions of Fast-1 (adjectives)

7.resistant: acid-fast.

8.firmly fixed in place; not easily moved; securely attached.

9.held or caught firmly, so as to be unable to escape or be extricated: an animal fast in a trap.

10.firmly tied, as a knot.

11.closed and made secure, as a door, gate, or shutter.

12.such as to hold securely: to lay fast hold on a thing.

13.firm in adherence; loyal; devoted: fast friends.

14.permanent, lasting, or unchangeable: a fast color; a hard and fast rule.

Fast-2 (verb)

1.to abstain from all food.

2.to eat only sparingly or of certain kinds of food, esp. as a religious observance. 

Fast-3 (noun)

1. a chain or rope for mooring a vessel.  I didn't know what mooring meant, so I looked it up too: 

Usually, moorings. one's stability or security: After the death of his wife he lost his moorings.

It seems to me that while looking at Fast-1 adjectives #7-14, we get the sense of being captured, attached to, anchored.  The same is true in Fast-3.  

So my observation is that Fast-2 (the verb) is acted out so that we may accomplish Fast-1/3.  Do you think that's what God might want.  For us to sacrifice things so that we may become anchored, captured, and attached to him alone.

So......................................................the question is, is this our motivation for fasting or the outcome?  If it's the outcome, then why would you ever fast?  Because troubles come up and we believe if we make sacrifices, it will please God?  Well that seems awfully pagan.  First god gets you to give up ice cream and next he's asking you to sacrifice your babies to him.  That doesn't seem like the God of Abraham, Isaac....oh wait, well there was that one time when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, but that's an anomaly. Clearly, being more deeply anchored is both the motivation and the outcome.  I can see no other reason to submit to this torture.

People from the IHOP (Int'l House of Prayer not Pancakes) believe: Participation in regular fasting as a lifestyle necessitates a healthy lifestyle on days when food is not being fasted, and should include exercise and a proper diet. A “fasted lifestyle” is a disciplined lifestyle, in which we steward our bodies and time with wisdom and diligence. Fasting is not only abstention; it is an exchange where we abstain from certain things in order to “feast” on God’s Word and prayer, whereby the abundance of His grace is made more readily available to us. When undertaken with this type of commitment, a fasted lifestyle is sustainable on a long-term basis, just as it was for Daniel and his friends (Dan. 1). In fasting we are not trying to get something from God, but seeking to realign our hearts’ affections with His. In fasting we can more readily say, “We love you, Lord, more than anything in the world.” Lust of any kind is perverted worship, but fasting enables us to cleanse the sanctuary of our hearts from every other rival. Daniel prepared himself to receive revelation through fasting. More reasons to fast can be found at Bill Bright's website or in his book "The Transforming Power of Fasting and Prayer."

 The reality is, I don't wanna fast.  Why, because it will kill my flesh.  It will hurt, it will be uncomfortable.  But really it's more than that.  There is a deep knowing, that what fasting or suffering of any kind does, is that it leads you to the end of yourself.  The question is always what will we find?  And that is where you will find in me a deep seated root of a Fear of Abandonment.  I fear that I will be left alone by God upon seeing the reality of my depravity.  Imagine walking into the deepest, darkest pit...Hell within your own soul, and being left there by God.  Having no one to rescue you.  That's what I fear.  I don't know why.  But I do.  Fear has been said to mean, "False evidence appearing real."  That's what a lie is.  Fear is a lie.  What I know to be true about the character of God is that He is a savior, He is faithful to save.  Somewhere down in the deepest part of my heart though I believe differently.  This lie/fear manifests by getting me to believe that I (or things I can control) am the only source of comfort and security.  Therefore I eat to feel good.  I sit in front of the computer playing facebook hours upon end, to feel good.  I watch movies, I avoid painful situations.  I believed a lie about the character of God, and then chose to be God myself.  That's exactly what happened to Eve in the garden of Eden.  The serpent accused the character of God (said He was withholding goodness from her), and told her that she could be like God if she ate the fruit.  Wow.  Good job Eve/Jill.  Way to fall for the trap.  Way to Perpetuate the first sin. 

Now that I've freaked out.....

I will choose to continue to be grateful:

11.  That God has provided this season of rest when my body, soul, spirit, needed it.

12.  I'm thankful for rainy day weather that has allowed me to take a day of rest from school.

13.  I'm thankful that tomorrow my good friend Erick and I get to spend the day together.

14.  I'm grateful that my hunger to worship and spend time with God has come back in the last week.

15. I'm thankful that I am getting to spend some time with my good friend Shenai doing water aerobics and swimming.  It has been good for my soul.

16. I'm grateful that God loves me.

17.  I'm really grateful that I'm single.  Sure I wouldn't mind dating someone, but I don't hate my life right now nor do I think I'm missing out.  There are very few and far between moments these days when I think my life would be better with someone else.

18.  I'm grateful that I serve a God who is faithful and dependable.  His word says, "The pure in heart shall see God."  I can trust him in that.  His character is one that longs to reveal himself to his people.  He is not far off, far away, and uninterested.

19.  I'm grateful that people are interested in my unimportant life.  People follow my voice on facebook, twitter, my blog.  It's amazing.  It's a blessing. 

20.  I'm grateful for the local honey I purchased last weekend, which is helping my allergies a whole bunch.

Lord, if you're listening.....HELP.

I just checked and as of right now, I have just enough money left to pay rent for May and to pay my electric bill.  I've put in several applications for jobs. I took a test yesterday to be a census worker.  Training starts April 26th. It will probably conflict with my school schedule.

I know God is faithful to provide. Maybe I'm feeling to casual about it, and am not desperately plowing the fields. For me this is a tension.  The balance of trusting God to do his part, while not neglecting mine.  It makes me think of the stupid thing you do at camp, when you stand on something high and fall back trusting the people below you will catch you.  So stupid. What that has taught me is that, trust is about blind faith, jumping and believing He will do the rest.  I essentially agree with that.  The problem for me always comes into play that there are other principles that must be learned. For instance a few weeks ago, when the Lord clearly told me to quit spending money.  But I didn't do it. My will got in the way.  So after several trips to sonic, etc....now things are tense.  Plus God is not going to take care of all of my needs, while I'm sitting around being lazy.  And if there was ever a time in my life when it was justified to call me lazy...this is the time.  My post pneumonia reclusive lifestyle has taken laziness to new heights.  If it gratifies my flesh, I'm all about it.  Sleep till whenever, get up whenever, eat whatever, sit and play on the computer literally for hours upon end.

I find it equally amusing, that I'm interested in buying a house for 20K in Abernathy, while I'm unemployed.  I'm not technically unemployed.  Technically I'm self employed.  But my self pays me very sporadically.  Anybody want to host a foreign exchange student?  Or want to take a trip overseas?  Let me know....my self can help you accomplish that.

So....good times. I've once again realized that what I need is a sugar daddy.  Is it sacrilegious to think of God as a sugar daddy?  I would think so too.

I don't know if you've noticed the Amazon ads in my blog, but it's just another way I can make some quick cash.  So if there's a book you're planning on buying from Amazon. Tell me first, I'll write a blog about it and then you can use my link and make me money at the same time.

Ok, that's really all I have to say.  This is starting to get too silly for my own good.

Because a thankful heart is a happy heart.....

Several of my peeps are doing lists of things they are thankful for. I didn't want to be a part because, well that makes being cynical difficult. But I just cry when I read the ones from my friends and so, well here's to making you cry too:

1. I love my schedule these days. I'm not quite sure how it's working, other than God's miraculous provision, but all I have to do is go to school. My body sleeps when it wants to sleep and is awake when it wants to be awake. In someways it's the healthiest my body has ever been.

2. I'm grateful that I was working for Tascosa when my computer died, so I could buy another one and make payments on it.
3. I'm grateful that I got to spend a little over a year working for a friend, and it ended well.

4. I'm grateful for a space of my own, tiny as it may be, that has 9 pieces or artwork and a huge Pez collection covering the walls. My space is full of bright colors and the intricacies that make me happy.

5. I'm grateful that I can pay to have a friend come and clean my space, tiny as it may be, because I hate cleaning.

6. I'm grateful that I've found two new pieces to add to my "Hey, that's not a menorah"-candle holder collection.

7. I will choose to be grateful that Jenn via Paige via A Holy Experience, got me started making this list.

8. I'm grateful that I have two new friends: Dori & Flounder, two betas, that will be a daily reminder to think about and pray for my niece Addison.

9. I'm grateful for God's grace which gets me through tough times.

10. I'm grateful for Diet A&W Rootbeer. Caffiene free goodness....although it has Aspertame.

Ok, that's my post for this week on gratefulness. Hopefully I will have another 10 to write about next week.

weepy, weapy, weapy

Not real sure where the emotions are coming from today. The flood gates are opened though.

I just read a friends blog. She has MS. Her three kids all have their own serious chronic conditions. Her husband is faithful and amazingly diligent to love and serve. Such intense suffering in a precious family. It overwhelms me. She's a brilliant writer. Cried reading her blog from Christmas.

Listening to music today for the first time in maybe 3 months. Shane & Shane have brought me to tears twice.

"turn down the music, turn down the noise, turn up your voice o god and let us hear the sounds of people broken, willing to love, give us your heart o god and a new song rise in us." or something like that. it goes on to say would we feed the hungry, would we give water to the thirsty, or would we sing an empty hallelujah to the king.

things are changing. life is different in the last two days. it's a new season.

new indeed.

another dream

I had a dream last night that my friend inherited a multi billion dollar porn industry. Somehow this friend had a distant relative or something that died and my friend as the next of kin, got it as an inheritance. So most of my dream was spent talking with this friend about what to do now. $22 billion dollars annually.

So, in our discussions, he/we decided that we would take all the employees to spa's. At the spa's there would be spiritual, mental, and drug counselors. Guys at one center and girls at another. We also brought in the leadership of XXX church to help give us counsel on how to proceed. It was really my friends decisions but I was a very integral part in the decision process. for instance he got a huge house in the inheritance and he wanted to go in and check it out, but i told him he couldn't because we didn't know what kind of artwork was there. he couldn't send in his wife and new baby either. so i went in and there were a lot of large pictures like you would expect in a mansion, but they were all pornographic. so we had a bonfire.

there was another part of the dream that was kind of like a debate on how to win the spiritual battles in play. put worship music on 24/7 in the house, bring out the holy water and anointing oil to cast the demons out, etc. how do you take over a multi billion dollar porn industry without ruining peoples lives and sending them to another porn center. it was strange cause there was this very real sense or understanding that it would crash our economy if we just simply fired everyone. but that the crash wouldn't last long, it would be reborn like a phoenix under someone else's domain.

so there were fast decisions to be made on how to proceed with business, and peoples lives and the spiritual realm.

very real. i literally felt like i was in a board room in Minneapolis (which happens to be the porn capital of the US) and out in a spa in Montana.

dreams pt 2

Ok, so today is officially Tuesday. Last Wednesday, I, after much debate, quit my job at Tascosa. I'll be ok for a while. I've got some money from the exchange student gig and another student loan disbersement that I can live off of. It's not ideal, but quite frankly, neither was going back there.

Oddly enough, I've started dreaming again.

Dream #1:Mandy Mansker Hunt and I went on a month long trip to England. We had so much fun. There were two cute boys, and one of them flirted with me but his friend was a jerk. The one that flirted with me eventually got caught checking Mandy out on a few occasions. When it was time for us to leave our airplane had mechanical failure, so we had to stay in England another week, all expenses paid by the airlines. When we got back to America, Mandy's family was there to greet us. Mandy had a brown paper bag with flowers, wine and french bread. I had two pez dispensers for souvenirs. I was so disappointed about being home that I sat down and cried in the airport.

Dream #2: I was at my parents house when I was visited by my ex sister-in-law, who brought Bonnie Raitt to give me an antique Pez Dispenser (that was broken). (Never in my life have I dreamed of Pez dispensers, much less two dreams in one week. I think the collecting has taken a turn for the dark side!)

Then last night, I had a dream that was more or less a conversation with God. We were arguing over atonement. All I really remember is there was a big mountain of sorts, and he said the price had been paid. I kept bringing him my sand sized gravel and mostly complaining that I didn't have the chance to atone myself. At least I assume this is about atonement. I don't really know. It was just clear when I woke up that he had paid a price and me complaining about not being able to do it myself wasn't going to change the fact. It was kind of like "no matter what happens from here on our good or bad" the contracts been paid, so deal with it.

Really the point of this blog is that 1) I'm dreaming again 2) it happened pretty much after quitting a job, which is a good sign and 3) i'm clueless as to what the dreams mean.

ps if you know anyone in my family....don't tell them about quitting the job. they don't know yet.

dreams

I had two dreams that are related but I'm not sure exactly what they mean.

According to a dream dictionary they suggest that 1) I am lacking fulfillment or pleasure and 2) i am feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

yep that pretty much sums it up. what to do about it?

i was asked last night "what makes me happy".

I don't know. i haven't been happy in a long time. the things i thought made me happy end up painful. God used to make me happy now I'm just confused. i feel like I'm personally living out Ecclesiastes: (Sharina will be happy with this part of the blog, because she'll be able to give me the Hebrew translation/interpretation) it's all vanity, so you might as well eat, drink and be merry. bring on the eating and drinking and merry making.

I've lost my sense of direction. Everything I do is drudgery. I'm sure it will get better eventually. I just have to figure out how to survive the mundane. I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I honestly believe that the prednisone I took while sick, aggrivated my anxiety. I haven't been sane since being sick. Here in a few weeks I'll go see the doctor and all will be on the track to being well again. Until then....

hit the delete button

I decided to delete my last post. somethings just don't need to be on the internet.

i am struggling.

i will survive.

I'm angry

I'm angry because I sit here reading a friends blog about how 6 years ago she stood praying for God to move in Burma, and now 6 years later she's going back to get to participate in it some more.

I'm angry cause I'm worried about stupid statistics homework in comparison.

I'm angry that my brother's girlfriend lost her baby.

I'm angry that I don't have children either.

I'm angry that my life is so messy that it keeps men away.

I'm angry that life is full of death and devastation.

I'm angry that it seems like believing in God is pointless. I'm angry that it seems like there's no point in asking or hoping or dreaming because all you get is a cross to carry.

I'm angry that despite the hardships of my life, there are people who have suffered much more and I have NOTHING to offer them.

In high school there was a phrase, "Life's a b*tch and then you die." I didn't know high school morons were so profound back then.

I'm angry because I don't understand the kingdom of God on earth now.

I'm angry because the afterlife isn't enough to get me through everyday.

I'm angry because I don't know if my answer of "He is who he says He is." is enough anymore.

I really get it. Deep down inside I get the cosmic battle between love and not-love. Good and evil. I get that my choice to love God in return through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for eternity is a BIG deal. I get that my choice to say yes to Him in the face of tragedy is much BIGGER than I have words for...and in the end everything I do, think, believe, pray, breathe, etc....is all wrapped up in my choice of loving Him in return because He loves me in my weak, broken, fragile, messed up life. I really get it.

I get that I'm not forced to choose Him, or forced to choose love. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes when the sh*t hits the fan, and everything around you sucks.....and you want to walk away but you know better. You know nothing will make you feel better. Sex, drugs, booze, chocolate, TV....it doesn't satisfy. So you can't choose the temporary fixes anymore, you are forced by your own understanding to choose Him.

So you choose Him and you still end up carrying a cross, you still die, you still suffer. It makes me angry!

It makes me angry that my humanity wants to escape from suffering but my faith tells me there is something beautiful and mystical that happens when I share in the sufferings of Christ.

It makes me angry that the enemy uses my frustration, anger and circumstances to accuse the character of God. But then again, if I was rich and had everything I wanted/needed...the enemy would accuse His character then too.

In the end, I've come back to the place where I started. It is my joy, my honor to choose Him. He is faithful! He is loving! He is just! He is my provider! He is my sustainer! He is my ever present help in a time of need! He is the lover of my soul! He is a friend who is closer than a brother! He is my peace! He is my refuge! He really is the way, the truth and the life. Without him, I am nothing.

I still don't understand everything and have a lot of questions. But He's ok with that.

born to manifest the glory of God within

I sit here in my apartment towards the end of January 2010, with a list of mixed emotions. This last year, well to quote a friend, "2009 was also a year of several answers to promises from God…but it was also a year that held several non-answers to promises. (ones that I felt were specifically going to be answered) So with that comes disappointment and confusion...and the age-old battle of really wondering if you’re hearing from God right or even hearing at all. It’s not that I feel separated from God really…but He just isn’t really talking very much at the moment."

And so I sit here at the beginning of 2010, seeing things with my eyes but my heart is afraid to believe. I'll quit being so vague and give you some specifics. It's about a boy.

It actually all started in 1998. I was living in Indiana, had moved there to do God's work. In the process of living that life, a guy came and tempted me to follow my own desires. That selfishness on my part ended very destructively, and from my perspective hurt a lot of people. I was hurt. I had given in yet again. So as I moved back to Lubbock, I asked God to turn me inside out. I didn't want to disappoint Him again. Despite myself, I believed that God asked me for 10 more years of being single. That would have been in the Spring of 1999. It was a hard choice. I somehow knew that by saying yes, it meant watching my younger brothers get married and have kids before me, which did happen. I felt it was penance. God's way of punishing my indiscretions.

It wasn't until the end of 2008 that I really began to see that God's character is not one that would punish, but send out an invitation to deeper intimacy. He wanted 10 more years of just me and Him. Quality time. I certainly needed it. Character building, maturity, etc. But the invitation to intimacy was missed. So these last couple of years I half-heartedly grabbed at every chance I could to have deeper intimacy with God and half-heartedly counted the hours and minutes until the 10 years of punishment was finished.

Spring of 2009 came and went, and in the last 6 months of the year some remarkable things happened. I realized that God is enough and if I truly believed that marriage was a promise, then I no longer had to perform to achieve the good merits to win the reward. Likewise, whether you call it dumb luck or coincidence or fate, I was given a wedding dress that is a perfect fit.

So I sat and finished out a year, a year prophesied to give birth to a promise. I sat and watched the year come to an end and felt incredibly disappointed. I felt betrayed and forgotten.

Then out of nowhere, I remembered a call from the middle of October from a guy that I have liked for quite sometime. That call was an invitation that was met with scheduling conflicts, identity crisis', and ultimately disregard. In January, I returned the call and we went to lunch. I was classically over eager and feared that I scared him away again. But he called me back and now another lunch date has been arranged.

I am excited but I am also afraid. To believe that we can be truly loved despite our imperfections is a major thing to overcome. He is an amazing man. I feel small in his presence. I see Him, in him and I am daunted. Grace, is bittersweet, i don't care what they say.

There are moments in my life when I can look around and see the stars lining up. It's as if all of the cosmos are coming into order. I feel that sensation now, that things I have prayed for and dreamed of for a long time are coming into order in ways that I will not be able to adequately describe the amount of happiness or joy I am faced with.

When I have the shrinking back feelings like I am feeling now, I try to remember the words Nelson Mandela quoted at his inauguration,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”