dreams and visions

1. Tuesday, Dec. 15th (that night while sleeping) I dreamt that someone in my family died and I was having a real hard time getting over it. So I went to a dr to see if he could give me something to help me cope. He told me he could give me pills or I could go to Slaton and get "ganka" (which I knew was a code word for weed) from Doug Stone. I chose to go to Slaton. Upon arrival at Doug's house, I told him "I'm surprised your dealing." He said, "I'm surprised your buying."

2. Thursday, Dec. 17th (that evening while at Kathy & Neeley Byrum's house), we went to the secret place together. Using guided imagery I imagined myself as a little girl wearing a dress, swinging on a tree swing, seeing Jesus give me a hug and spin me around. Then I asked him a question, "Why are you so far away?" He pointed away from him and I turned around and saw the most majestic and beautiful male deer. He had a gorgeous rack, like 12 points or something crazy. He was thick chested and elegant. He walked across a wooden bridge into what looked like a Disney evil forest. Dense fog and craggly trees everywhere. You could barely see where you were going. While never knowing where he was because of the fog, he never waivered; his footsteps were sure. Then I could hear the river. I watched as he leaned to his right to listen to the river. And as he would press into the sound of the river, it was like the fog would vanish, and his surroundings would turn miraculously into this amazing forest, lush with life. But it would disappear quickly. Over and over, he would strain to hear the river, catch a glimpse of this other world and then loose it. Somehow through all that, he had climbed up the mountain and came upon a rock shelf where it looked as though Abraham was about to sacrifice Issac. But instead of a ram getting caught in the thicket, the deer went and laid down on the alter willingly. He was at total peace, knowing this was his destiny. But before I saw the deer die, the screen turned and I was looking to the right of the alter, down into the ravine. There was a beautiful tall thin angel, that was opalescent in color. She was dancing in an oscillating fashion. There was a beam of light that was coming from the heavens into her. She was so hungry to be in that light. She would be there and drink all day, then step out for a moment and be parched. Oddly at this point, I saw a flash of a demonic presence there. It felt like lust or greed. It was the same mocking face that had mocked me a couple of years ago, when I was in an unhealthy relationship. I had told a guy "I miss you." This demon manifested and chuckled at me and said, "Ha ha, you miss me." Then my tune changed real quick and was like, "the hell I do."

On another note, it's amazing to trust in God and have him really show up. I went to work on empty today with 6 dollars to my name. God had reminded me that I had some Arbonne products that I could sell to co-workers as small Christmas gifts. So I offered, and several people took me up on those offers. So I was able to put gas in my car and buy supper. Then a friend came and rode with me to an outing and gave me $20 on top of that. God is faithful if I would just trust and obey. Sing with me now "Trust and obey, for there's no better way, than to trust in Jesus, yes I'll trust and obey."

gratitutde is challenging sometimes

I really hate the poverty spirit that rules my life. I can't do anything without seeing my lack in the midst. For instance today, is Sunday. I slept in till noon, woke up with nothing really pressing to do today. So I played on Facebook for a while and then hoped on over to blogspot to see how everyone is doing these days.

One of my friends is blogging about all the things she's thankful for: husband, kids, family that doesn't have drama, etc. And I sit there tearing up asking myself "when will i get to write a blog like that?" Call the waaaaa-mbulance. Yes I do want those things and more, but I've got a good life and I should be grateful. On FB we are doing 30 days of grateful and it's been hard. I didn't realize how hard it is to find something to be grateful for each day. That's just sad.

the other side of the tracks

We all know what happens to people who live on the other side of the tracks. We know the kinds of decisions they make, and the consequences they suffer because of them. We watch them on TV shows, read about them in books, listen to songs about them. But for most of us, they will always be....them. Rarely do we become them, or do they impact our lives. Most of the time we are safely removed from them by the tracks.

Unfortunately, this weekend they merged with my family. Actually it's been this case for a long time. My uncle, who is only a few years older than I, has been somewhat unstable for years. Alcohol, drugs, divorce, misdemeanors; you name it, he's done it. Several years ago we had a rough summer, when he attacked my father. That was swept under the rug like all things in the Hurley household. But last night was different. Last night lives were changed forever. He attacked my aunt, his girlfriend and a friend of his with a bat. He was arrested. He attacked them and sent his friend to the hospital. He's got a minimum of 3 'assault with a deadly weapon' charges. Plus they found enough weapons and ammunition for him to be the next David Karesh, he was growing mushrooms in his closet, had an assortment of pills and marijuana in his possession. So my uncle, in his early 40's, with a Master's degree in Literature, will probably spend the rest of his life in prison. My grandma in her mid 80's, is taking it hard. Her mind is slipping slowly and this is breaking her heart. It was less than 1.5 years ago that she lost her husband to a stroke. She has really never been the same since.

It's a whirlwind, a roller coaster of emotion. Fearful of what will happen if they release him from jail on bond, sad about his quality of life, worried about his safety, health, sanity and salvation, concerned for Mamaw in her last years.

It's times like this, that I am so keenly aware of how desperately we need Jesus. He literally is the sustainer of life in times of grief, when emotion is so strong you forget to breath. So please pray for peace and comfort for my family. Pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. Pray for protections and justice. Pray for me, as I change my life up a bit to begin staying with my grandma a couple of times a week.

Pray for my uncles girlfriend, who says she loves him, who has been asked by my family to stay away. Pray for her son, who, in her words, "adored him."

So God right now, I ask for your Spirit to be with Mamaw, to comfort her as only you can. God I ask that you would radically transform his life. God I ask for Justice but I also ask for mercy. My heart only knows those two things as opposite ends of a pendulum, but you know of to blend them into one. God for all of us whose hearts and emotions are stirred up, give us strength to put one step in front of the other. For the young ones, whose paradigms of family are being blown to shreds, provide stability and security. God, use this to draw my family to your throne. God use me, if you will and can, to be your voice, in this hour to my family. God teach me how to pray in this situation. Lord, arrest bitterness and give us strength to forgive. God, arrest demonic strongholds over my uncle. Bring true freedom. God will you release grace and peace over the coming holiday season. May your life infiltrate every moment. Jesus, thank you for interceding for my family at every moment. I love you Jesus. Amen!

the cave

I've gone into my cave it appears. All weekend long I didn't want to leave my house. I finally did leave yesterday for class and will leave again shortly to go to work, but I think my heart is still in the cave.

I'm guessing it's my coping mechanisms at work. I just finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. AMAZING! But also gut wrenching. My poor friend Erick had to listen to me one to many times blubbering on like an idiot. It's times like that, that I hate being a woman. Prick my heart and out comes a rushing river. Oh, sanity, you are beyond my reach.

My apartment, is naturally dark, so even at mid-day, if I don't have the lights on, it seems like it's late in the day. Which is nice and a tad unhealthy. On the other hand, my complex has lights outside that stay on all night. So at night I don't get to sleep in darkness. This has completely messed up my sleep schedule with Day Lights Savings too. Because now, the light comes peeking in really early (7:30) when I used to avoid it till much later.

I hate feeling like I don't have the skills to cope emotionally to reading a book. It addressed so many things that my heart couldn't take it all.

Jesus I need help!!!!

Ok...I could dilly dally here all day. I must face the world.

anger, the immature expression of emotion

I've always known that typically anger is a masked emotion. You're feeling sad, lonely, etc..but you don't know how to express it so it comes out angry.

So I've been angry all day today. Wondering what emotion is being masked. (As a side note, do they make blogs where you can just record your voice talking, and people can go listen to it? Cause that would be awesome right now. My brain is thinking faster than my fingers can type.)

I think it's disappointment.

Shit. Sorry...crap. God is setting me up to deal with my crap. I can't push it down any longer. This is gonna be ugly.

For an insight into what I'm talking about, I'm halfway through reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.

the charmed life

God, I'm struggling to be grateful right now for this adventure that you and I are on. I see my friends adventure, and I want to know why she gets to lead a charmed life? Is she more obedient? Is she more faithful? Is she more anointed? I am in bondage and I don't know how to become free so that I can run wildly with you. Please give me wisdom on how to break this bondage that I am in. As I journey tomorrow to talk about your spirit and being empowered to stand for righteousness and your kingdom, will you protect us, guide us, transform us and love us. Thanks for this....it will be fun! Ok, so I like my journey afterall, and yet still look forward to the bigger journey yet to come.

Miracles are scandlous!

Several months a I began reading a book called "The Ecstasies of Loving God" by John Crowder. It and his other book "The New Mystics" are really amazing. They are particularly incredible because they are very well written with lots of biblical and historical documentation. Due to the specific ministry that John Crowder has gotten into, I am personally glad I read his books first before I saw any of his videos on Youtube. This video that is linked in the last sentence is one of my favorites of his, but it still pushes my limits. As I began to meditate on all of this, I just felt like the Lord asked me "how long are you going to continue to put barriers between you and me?" I felt like the Lord was saying, if he wants to get wild and crazy and blow my paradigm, then who am I to get in the way. One of my particular favorite quotes from the Ecstasies book is talking about how we have made an image of God that is stoic. He goes on to say that just because we build an image and call it Jesus, does not make it Jesus. It is in fact a false idol, if it is anything other than a true representation of his full character. And God is a passionate God.

So, I've kind of had this lingering fascination with John Crowder. Kind of a "can it really be that good" attitude. I know some of you would watch his stuff and not be the slightest interested, and may even be quite appalled. That's ok. I am in a season of life where I want more.

When I started working with Justin doing Tech 24-7 prayer, he told me he made shirts for people to purchase that say "there has to be more than this." Scripture is quite clear that signs and wonders are a relevant issue for today. But for some reason, those things deemed "charismatic" are scandalous. Then on a personal note, I have just lived most of my life trying to be in control and that has made me a pretty grumpy and miserable person to be around. But God has told me and the people around me more than once that he has planted wells of joy in me. He even showed me in a dream that I ran into a blue light that filled me with laughter and my laughter began to cause the nations to shake. Just last night I was with some friends and we were laughing and praying, and I felt the Lord say, "the weapons of your warfare are not carnal but mighty....laughter and rest are two mighty weapons in my kingdom."

So here I sit, towards the end of October, and as I'm goofing around on the internet, I stumble upon an internship with John Crowder coming up at the beginning of 2010. It's called the School of the Scandal.

I want to go. I believe it's God's timing for me to go. There's so many things about this that make sense. To go there and come back to Tech 24-7. I feel like it is a launching pad for my life and destiny. I just see going there and coming back someone completely different.

The school itself costs 3300. Plus about 300 for airfare to and from TX, meals for 3 weeks = another 300. Then there's the fact that I wouldn't be able to work for three weeks so I would need to have my bills paid for at home with is about 600. For a grand total of 4500. The first 500 is due by November 30, with the rest being due on Dec. 15th.

It is physically impossible for me to earn that much, unless Arbonne just took off like crazy in the next 5 weeks. Then maybe, but not likely. So I am completely dependent upon God. I don't know what to do. Support letters? Prayer and fasting? Sell the Pez dispensers?

So I need a(some) miracle(s). A miracle for God to tell me what to do or not do to get this money to come in, a miracle for the money to come in, a miracle to not stress the freak out over this, a miracle to trust him, a miracle to not be completely heart broken and lose faith if it doesn't happen.

So if you're reading, please pray. I'm not sure for what..but I am quite sure I need prayer. Thanks!!

Delight, an active approach

I've been pondering what it means to delight for quite sometime. At cursery glances, I assumed that it means to be happy with/in. This would imply that I believe that delight is an adjective regarding my heart's attitude towards God. Let me share with you what I've found and some conclusions that I've come to in the last few weeks.

First off, all good biblical exegesis begins with Webster's dictionary.

/dɪˈlaɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunci–noun

1.	a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture: She takes great delight in her job.

2.	something that gives great pleasure: The dance was a delight to see.

–verb (used with object)

3. to give great pleasure, satisfaction, or enjoyment to; please highly: The show delighted everyone.

–verb (used without object)

4. to have great pleasure; take pleasure (fol. by in or an infinitive): She delights in going for long walks in the country.

So, upon my initial observation of just the definition alone, I noticed that I believe the correct translation would be "You, Delight/Give great pleasure, satisfaction or enjoyment to; please highly....the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Meaning this relationship is not so much about my enjoyment, as much as it is His enjoyment. My job here is to bring pleasure to Him. But even by titling it "Job", I miss it. My pleasure, is to bring pleasure to the one who will in turn pleasure me. It's really the reality of the Trinity played out in humanity. The Great love dance if you will.

What a relief! I can be at peace and set my heart to striving to please Him, in the sense that striving to please someone is really no task at all when they love you unconditionally.

And yet, I am left with the question....what is it that makes your heart glad?

If you look up delight in the Strongs, verse after verse speaks of meditating on the law/scripture daily. There are also mulitple verses that talk about God prefering obedience over sacrifice.

One of my personal favorites is:

Psa 119:24

Your testimonies also are my delight; {They are} my counselors.

I specifically like this because God told the Isrealites to build alters of rememberance everywhere the went in the Old Testament. God told them to remember at what He had done for them. That's what each of the festivals is meant to accomplish as well. God knows that we have a tendency to forget His character. So if we will remember His faithfulness, his testimonies of goodness and allow the truth of who He is to counsel us as we make future decisions, we will be found wise.

The Psalmist goes on to say:

Psa 119:92

If Your law had not been my delight, Then I would have perished in my affliction.

If you don't spend time in remembering, then we are quick to get our eyes off of God and onto our circumstances. Then we will effectively perish in our affliction.

In Song of Solomon 2:3 it says:

Sgs 2:3

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, And his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Again, the Shulamite, a metaphor for the bride of Christ, is basically saying I am going to rest in the truth of who you are, and allow your character to be a shade tree to me, protecting me from the harsh realities of life. I will taste and see that you are good. (Ps. 34:8)

Isa 55:2

"Why do you spend money for what is not bread, And your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, And delight yourself in abundance.

Eat what is good....delight yourself in abundance. Who promised an abundant life?

Isaiah 58:13-14 says, "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,then you will find your joy in the LORD and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob." The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

Jer 9:24

but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.

We hear Paul echo that sentiment thousands of years later....let no man boast in anything but that they know the Lord. (paraphrased) Also, Jesus says, that Justice and Righteousness are the foundations of his throne. The place where he will sit and judge the nations rests on justice and righteousness.

Finally, some New Testament references for you who would freak out if I didn't include them.

Rom 7:22	For in my inner being I delight in God's law;
1Cr 13:6	Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
2Cr 12:10	That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My favorite is the last. It's practically the theme for this blog. I delight in my weakness, for then I am strong.

I am weak and cannot love Him like I want to, nevertheless it is in my honest examination of my heart, that I am made strong to try again to love him all the more today.
May his grace cover us all as we try to pursue Him, to actively delight him. Take great pleasure in my childish attempts at loving you today Lord. It may be a spiritual equivalent of a maccaroni painting, that you will hang on your refridgerator in heaven, but as long as your heart is thrilled by my attempt, that is all I can ask for.

Song of Solomon 4:9 You have overwhelmed my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.

Jesus, let your heart be overwhelmed as we glance our eyes towards you. Establish our affections as set solely upon your heart. Let us no longer be satisfied by the lesser things of this world.

surrender

Do you ever feel like the world is just waiting on monarchs to die? I feel like we are just sitting around waiting for the Queen of England and Chairman Mao and the North Korean dude to kick it, so the next round of political adventures (aka Armageddon) will start. I know that's probably wrong for me to say, but it's a hidden thought. Everybody is just biding their time until this happens.

Sometimes I am so discontented with my life. Particularly as I sit here looking at my very messy house. I feel like I'm strapped into a "insanity jacket". What are those things called? I keep wanting to say life jacket...but that's not right. Or maybe God's trying to tell me something...

I feel inadequate to praise God, to live worthy of His calling, to trust Him completely. I am tired of scheming and manipulating circumstances. I want to trust Him to be God of my life, but man that is hard. That means certain death...to self. And I know it's good. But it's hard.

The Promises of God

So most of us know that throughout scripture God promised things to individuals, people groups and humanity as a whole. Some people believe the promises in scripture can be applied to our lives as believers today, some think they were for a specific season. Most of the time I think promises from scripture are taken out of context (ie Jer 29:11). But even that's not really the kind of promises I'm talking about. I'm talking about specific "Abe & Sarah...you're gonna have a kid" promises. "Israelites...you get a promised land." "Humanity...salvation is yours".

The important thing to note about promises, is that they are God initiated. God sets a promise into motion by communicating it to humanity. It is not attached to conditions, it is just his goodness being made manifest into our reality. With the promise of Issac, Abe & Sarah didn't have to "be really good" or "have great quiet times" or anything like that. They just had to do what was natural for married people to do. They, like most humans, felt like they were responsible to figure something out to get this promise to happen, and so they went and "hooked up" with Hagar and bore Ishmael. Because it wasn't there responsibility, they made a big mess of the whole situation. Issac came, in God's perfect timing.

Really, the only thing that we can do when it comes to promises of God is refuse them. The Israelites refused to go into the Promised Land when it came to them. So they spent another 40 years in the wilderness. Since the time of Christ's death, people have had the ability to accept the promise of salvation or reject it.

So here's my question(s):

1) How do you know which promises from scripture can be taken and applied to our lives today?
2) Does God still promise things to people today, and how do we know it?
3) Are His promises today vague concepts like peace and joy or are they specific like marriage and babies? There is a precedent for God promising babies in scripture...did He ever promise marriage?
4) Are prophetic words considered promises? Within that there is a tension between the soverignty of God and the fallen-ness of Man.
5) Are promises linked to covenant in the scripture? Or a result of covenant? Issac...covenant of marriage. Promised Land...Abrahamic Covenant. Salvation...New Covenant.
6) How does the answer to 5 impact the answer to 3 and 2?

As a qualifier to these questions, I have to say that I am talking about straight up God promises...not heart's desires, not rewards for good behavior, not good gifts from the Father. We'll talk about those soon enough.