The Discipline of Community: How Syrian Refugees and the Girl Next Door are really no different.

Most of my life I have always considered myself an extrovert. I have always loved being around people.  The older I get, I also have begun to appreciate having time alone to myself, as well.  For the past three months, I have lived in a new town. I have been by myself 90% of the time.  As hard as it is for an extrovert to be forced into a season of quiet, I think it's when I learn the most from God.

It usually takes me a while to stop the noise, and I don't know if I will ever get it fully stopped. Usually my brain starts over analyzing things and I can't get it to shut off. But somehow in this process of very unintentional meditation, I find God speaking to me.  I usually get here because I feel small, alone and I realize how much I need God in my life.

All my life I have struggled between balancing my Texas independent, "I can do this myself", attitude with a genuine dependence on God's empowering grace.  It's really hard for me to find the balance there.

I really just hate the whole notion of being dependent on people.  I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. I so desperately want to be a self-made woman.  Deep in my core I am the most arrogant, proud, selfish person who ever existed. I would love nothing more than to build my kingdom and lord it over everyone, that I did it.  With my chest all puffed out, roaring like a gorilla at my audience, "I am something special."

I think one of the greatest lessons we learn in life is to do community well.  It is difficult to mix with people who are different from us, who are annoying, who challenge us and to love them well.  It's the whole iron sharpening iron idea.  I hate it!  I have spent most of my life feeling wounded from getting the edges knocked off of me, and now my heart hurts.  In many ways, I don't want to be around people anymore.  This isn't me trying to blame the church.  This is me saying why I have such a hard time being in community. I mostly feel misunderstood, under appreciated and like I am a failure. I am incredibly sensitive when it comes to sarcasm. Those little jabs hurt my heart.  I feel like the world has told me that I need to develop thick skin.  Maybe it's not my responsibility to develop thick skin. Maybe the world, the church needs to do a better job of loving and exhorting and admonishing people.  I for one always feel like I'm not "supernatural enough" (I come from a charismatic tradition) or I'm way too intense.  I need to be silly and simple and not think so much.  I'm too smart for my own good.  Everybody is always intent on trying to change me.

Because of all of this, the lack of community in my life is well beyond a point of deeply disturbing. I haven't been a member of a body of believers that I wasn't in charge of, consistently, since I moved away from Madison in 2005.

This makes it very hard to have a "multitude of wise counselors" in your life.  Sure I have friends who know me deeply and are believers, so they can fill those roles.  But they are scattered from Colorado to Wisconsin to Texas to Florida and I am in New Mexico.  The lack of day in and day out community has turned me into one of those people who just show up at church when there is a crisis. I am willing to let people in when my life is falling a part but anything further than that is miserable.

I don't want to care about other people's issues. I don't feel like others genuinely care about my issues. I don't have any reserves to offer people in need because I can't bother myself to "really" spend time with God and allow him to fill me up.  At least not enough, that I have something more to offer others.  I am burnt out on humanity because I don't spend enough time with God to be filled with grace to love like he loves.

I wonder if that may be the issue with the majority of Christians in America?  I wonder if the reason we don't want to open our doors to refugees, aside from rampant fear, is the fact that we don't have the emotional or spiritual energy to love our neighbors.  I think it is INCREDIBLY easy to become a carnal Christian, who lives a very moral life but is not really filled with the spirit of God nor empowered by him to do things.  I think it's really easy to allow the comfort afforded us by living in the West to be a much louder voice than the cries of the broken. In many ways, that's how I would describe myself these days.  I'm just a going through the motions, barely moral person. I guess it all depends on who I am comparing myself to.  Compared to some I feel like a heathen. Compared to other's I'll the next person to be nominated for sainthood.

I just bought my friend a copy of Richard Foster's "Celebration of Discipline."  I have felt for some time God calling me to be more disciplined in areas of my life. I have blown it off, convincing myself it was last night's pizza.  Discipline is difficult.  It is sacrificial. It is a place where the rough edges are knocked off of you, revealing a beautiful masterpiece underneath.  Maybe it's time I choose to celebrate the discipline of community once again.

A New Take on Dove's Eyes

2 Sam 6:7-- "The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God."

I think for humanity, at least Christian-God fearing humanity, there is nothing more frightening than the feeling that you are disappointing God. For passionate, God-fearing, people who want to do what is right, when they experience a threat of what they value, there is a visceral reaction that comes from deep within, that overrides their understanding of right vs. wrong.

I think that's what happened in Uzzah's case.  He knew the right answer.  Don't touch the ark.  And yet, when put in a situation that felt threatening to the holiness and sanctity of the moment, his passion over ruled his understanding and he reached out his hand.  The penalty was death.  Out of all of the stories in the Old Testament, where people want to misconstrue the character of God as a nefarious dictator, this one should rank at the top.  It would be so easy to allow this story to completely jack with our notion of a good and loving God.  But, reader be warned, if you don't dig deeper, you will miss something very important in this story.

In Matthew 8:23-27, there is another story that has similar significance. The disciples and Jesus are crossing the lake. Jesus is napping. A storm begins to threaten their existence and the disciples wake Jesus in a panic.  Who could blame them?  And yet Jesus responds by calling them a people of "little faith."  That was the first century equivalent of ---

Another passage of scripture, in Ephesians 4:1-6, has a less obvious connection, but yet, it connects on a much deeper level.  In this passage, Paul is admonishing (to use a fancy bible word) the early church to choose unity at all costs.  

There were significant threats to the early church.  While Christians in the 21st century freak out over the differences between the prosperity gospel and the liberation theology (aka the poverty gospel), the LGBTQ (and any other initials) place in or out of the church, and so many other worthwhile theological issues that need exploring--in reality, we have nothing on the early church when it comes to divisive issues.  

I'm writing an exegesis of this passage in Ephesians, and in my paper I write, "Unfortunately, as the church grew into maturity, it faced countless perversions of the gospel. Leaders chose to draw lines in the proverbial sand, in order that they might prevent heresies from ruining the church."

For me, there is a distinct correlation between all three of these stories.  Quite simply it boils down to a lack of trust in God's ability to deal with what we perceive as a "hot mess."

In the case of the falling Ark, Uzzah decided that it would be better if he steadied the Ark, than if it fell to the ground, causing much shame and disgrace.  But in God's eyes, David shouldn't have been transporting the Ark that way to begin with.  God uses tragic, horrible circumstances to teach us that his ways are right. It would have been better for the Ark to fall to the ground and for the whole entourage to be forced to go through the ritualistic process of repentance and purification, so that the Ark could be transported correctly.  Holiness is absolutely worth doing it right.  It was worth, Uzzah losing his life.  God would have preferred that David transport the Ark correctly, so that Uzzah wouldn't have put in that situation.  God's not vindictive. But when David didn't do things correctly, Uzzah still had his own choice to follow God's commands and he didn't choose right.  

I think sometimes we don't believe God can pick up the pieces and make things right again. 

In the case with the lake, the disciples didn't really believe Jesus was who he said he was, despite having witnessed countless miracles.  Worst case scenario, the boat sinks and they all drown.  That would be a worst case scenario, except Jesus can raise people from the dead and walk on water. Soooo, don't panic. Trust Jesus.  He can turn this stuff around.

Finally, in Ephesians, the early church made decisions about who was in and who was out. They argued over the inclusion of the Gentiles, much like we argue over the inclusion of the _________. Insert the name of any group there, because we argue over a lot of people.  In the face of tragedy, the hardest thing to do is to keep loving Jesus ferociously.  We want to defend God's honor. It is so dang hard to let the chips fall where they may and keep loving God and each other.  Jesus prays that love and unity will be our defining marker.  When people threaten our understanding of the way to do things, we want to draw lines in the sand.  I think Jesus just says, love me and love each other.  The great commandments are summed up in these two, "love the lord your god with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself."  

God didn't ask us to keep the ark from hitting the ground or to freak out over the proverbial sinking boat or to draw lines about who is in or who is out.  

He just said, Love me and Love Them.  Even in the worst case scenario, God can redeem the earth. Do you really believe that he is that good?  It takes a lot of faith to let everything you love go down the crapper.  It takes A LOT OF FAITH to keep your eyes on Jesus and release love, when it looks like everything is burning down.  

Do you have what it takes to keep your eyes on Jesus and not reach out and steady the ark, freak out in the storm and to allow people to teach things about Jesus that make your skin crawl?  

I think that's what it is about.  It is a deep tethering in your spirit to the nature of God, that he is an overcomer, and he alone is responsible to clean up this stuff.  My job is to love him with everything I am and to love those around me, with every ounce of energy I have as well.  

But these are just my thoughts and maybe I'm one of the people who are screwing things up.  Are you gonna love me anyway?

It's time to move beyond "Do No Harm"

2015 has been a remarkable year.  Popular culture in the United States is evolving and I believe that socio-anthropologists are well equipped to address these evolutions.  The first issue that anthropology is particularly well-equipped to address is gender related topics.  Whether comparing and contrasting the roles of men and women, women in the west to women in the east, the emergence of metro-sexual and lumber-sexual as re-definitions of masculinity, the promotion and acceptance of trans-gendered persons or any number of other issues, I believe that anthropology has the potential to speak into these topics and guide Americans in what it means to be human.  After all according to Texas Tech's website, "The discipline of anthropology is uniquely positioned to both educate and engage students about the human condition."

The second issue that I believe anthropology is particularly well equipped to address is the issue of race and racism in America.  Many people will emphatically disagree with me, since the standard approach in anthropology is to deny that race even exists.  While I completely agree that there is no biological markers that allow for scientific segregation, as anthropologists we cannot allow scientific data to blind us from the very real cultural phenomena that take place on a daily basis.  Many will argue that acts of racism are not really about race, but about politics, economics, education levels, etc. While that may be true, I envision a world where anthropologists are using their unbiased approach to studying a variety of cultures which begins to create conversation points for the culture at large.  It is no longer okay, in my humble opinion, to allow the voice of anthropologists to be locked away in academic castles, but we must use our collective voice to go beyond "do no harm" and begin to "do good".

In 2015, We Need a Higher Standard, like a Platinum Rule.

Is the answer to questionable ethics, as simple as "Follow the Golden Rule?"

Most people are taught from a very early age, "Do unto others as you would like to be done unto you."

As adults, we know that there are various standards for ethical behavior, depending on one's profession. In the world of research; medical doctors, psychiatric doctors, sociologists, and anthropologists are held to a specific standard to protect people from being hurt emotionally or physically.

There are a few cases that are remarkable for the appalling nature of their ethical violations.  One such case is, "The Guatemala Syphilis Experiment."

Wikipedia states that from 1946-48, the United States conducted experiments in Guatemala whereby doctors infected "soldiers, prostitutes, prisoners and mental patients with syphilis and other sexually transmitted diseases, without the informed consent of the subjects, and treated most subjects with antibiotics. This resulted in at least 83 deaths."

While the National Research Act (1974) had not been signed into law at this time to govern these practices, it should not take laws to tell people that this kind of behavior is beyond unethical, it is criminal.  Since these days, we have witnessed men help legally accountable for their medical research in the famous Nuremberg Trials and I believe the people who participated in the Guatemala Syphilis Experiment should also be held legally responsible, just as the holocaust doctors were in the Nuremberg Trials.

There are other cases that have certainly been, at a minimum, disrespectful towards people's cultural heritage.  In 1991, Archaeologist and Louisiana State professor, Heather McKillop followed Canada's protocol in the Ontario Cemeteries Act.

According to The Star.com, "For remains deemed very old and aboriginal, there are two choices under the Ontario Cemeteries Act: One is to contact the closest First Nations group, which in this case was the Alderville First Nation. The second option is to consult with the most likely people descended from the dead."

McKillop, followed this protocol by choosing the first option, which was to ask the closest geographical group of native peoples' (Alderville First Nation) permission and it was granted.  The chief of the Alderville at the time was Nora Bothwell. In the process of research, McKillop discovered that the bones she dug up were not in fact from the Alderville First Nation but instead from a different tribe, the Huron-Wendat.

According to The Star, Bothwell said, "the bones were expected to be repatriated and that she hadn't initially known the skeletons were Huron-Wendat."

The ethical question then, is McKillop ethically responsible to return the bones to the Huron-Wendat, who are extremely eager to have them returned, and have proven so by filing a law suit.  If the former chief of the Alderville First Nation were expecting the bones to be repatriated, I cannot see a reason why McKillop would not return them to the Huron-Wendat as well.  Anthropologists and Archaeologists, we will never have a peaceful relationship with the First Nations people if we continue to rape and pillage their cultural heritage. Whether we agree or not, the First Nations people continue to feel as though we are doing just that every time we choose our science needs over their cultural heritage needs.

Ethics should be a basic common denominator in research, but unfortunately we live in the 21st-century, where people have wildly different values and morals.  The Golden Rule is not enough anymore, we need a platinum rule. I hope that when it comes time for me to make ethical decisions in research, I will do so with more than just my own interests in mind.

Cupcake Wars

Everyday we go into places of business that have the right to refuse service foe any number of things: "no shoes, no shirt, no service"; if you are drunk a bar can deny you another glass, etc. In the 50's blacks were denied service because of skin color. Today gays are denied wedding cakes because of whom they chose to marry.

In my opinion: businesses have the right to deny service. It doesn't mean that I like it or will ever buy from them. As a business owner, I made specific decisions to market myself to specific clients. I don't want to work for Pepsi or Microsoft. My product and price would be a joke to them. It's perfect for small businesses. So if a large company came courting me, I would refuse their service. I might also refuse their service because I disagree with who they support. But that's my business, literally. If I want to limit my clientele and my cash flow, then let me.

On the flip side: In my opinion. It is incredibly dumb to refuse to service people because of sin. If you believe homosexuality is a sin and are denying from that basis what about ever other client you have that is a sinner in some form or fashion? This is a good place for the word hypocrite. You yourself are a sinner. Christians have missed the grace boat.  That all being said, if you want to deny service, I think you should be allowed to and not face consequences from the courts. But if your business tanks, then you are reaping what you sowed, just like every other business owner when they make poor decisions.

In my opinion: Denying service to blacks and gays are NOT the same. It's not a sin to BE black. It's not a sin to BE gay. It is a sin to 1) have extra marital sex and 2) to have sex with your own gender. Your identity is not a sin. It's the action you take with your identity. Thus it is WRONG to discriminate based on identity and DUMB to discriminate based on sin, but you have the right to be DUMB not WRONG.

I for one am grateful for the demolishing of to walls that is happening in the us/them culture in the church. Pretentious living is exhausting. Balancing the truth that we are all "sinners saved by grace" with a pursuit of holiness is challenging.

I want to want to want to be holy. But mostly I want to finish watching Netflix.

Raining and Reigning

Several months ago, I was introduced to Graham Cooke's interactive journal, "The Crafted Prayer."  I rushed through it and began my first crafted prayer.  Basically Graham has you ask God what is your inheritance, and then you listen for the word or promise, and then begin meditating on some scriptures about the said promise.  My word was goodness.

I began to meditate on Psalm 27:13, Psalm 25:7, Exodus 33:19, Jeremiah 31:4, and Hosea 3:5 (this one was not an initial verse, but came later through a conversation with a friend).

So I asked a normal question:  What does your goodness mean?

• Jesus remembering NOT the sins of my youth
•  Goods/property
• Fairness/beauty/joy/prosperity
• Goodness of taste/discernment
• Goodness of intelligence/goodness of understanding
• The kindness of God
• That which is good or best of any
• Hiddenness/protection (in the cleft of the rock)
•  Refuge
• A warning of the Lord about an upcoming attack, that God has in his control and will display his goodness in. He is trustworthy.
• A response to seeking. Both Moses and David earnestly were seeking the Lord
• Grace in the wilderness
• Rest
• Causing dancing of merriness
• Something that is so overwhelming we tremble with awe before the Lord
• Plant and taste your harvest
• Regathering of those scattered
• No more sorrow
• Mourning changed to joy
• Priests shall have fatness/favor/full bellies/well nourished/smooth roads
• Satisfied
• Rewarded for your work
• Children will return to their proper borders
• A habitation of justice
•  A mountain of holiness
•  Replenished

So now what?  What do I do with this information?  So many times we attribute God's goodness to circumstantial changes in our lives (i.e. raises, promotions, proposals, etc).  Is God's goodness for real or is it just another way that the health and prosperity gospel has portrayed a truth about God's character. What I mean is, I know God is good because the Bible says he is good but I also believe different theologies change what that goodness means or is translated to in our daily lives. 

The next part of the journal suggests that if God is telling you that this is your inheritance, then we must believe that he in interceding for you about this issue. So what would those prayers sound like? If you could hear God praying for you, what would he say?  

This is what I felt like I heard the Lord praying over me: 

I pray Father that you would be merciful to Jill because of Your goodness and mercy, because of the blood I shed. I pray that her sins would be forgotten. I pray that her identity would not be embedded any longer in the sins of her youth, but that she would stand firmly in her identity as a daughter of the King.

I pray that Jill would have the Spirit of Wisdom and Knowledge, the Spirit of Revelation, the Spirit of Discernment to know and be able to judge rightly. I pray that the eyes of her heart would be enlightened and that she would know the height, width, depth and breadth of our love for her. I pray that she would know that if we are for her, who can be against her. I pray that her imagination would be captivated with the imagery of the delight and smile on your face towards her, Father. I pray that she would be confident of our affections towards her.

I pray that she will know how to be hidden in me, in the cleft of the Rock. I pray that she will know what the atonement means and how she is covered. I pray that in the face of accusation, she will respond with mercy and grace knowing that her sins have been forgiven and forgotten. I pray that she will respond out of her identity, not out of defensiveness. I pray that she will trust me and know that I am her defender and advocate. I am her reward. I pray that she will completely trust her life into my hands, knowing that I am for her and not against her. I pray that she will know that I have good plans for her. I pray that she will know that I have established her and given her a seat at the banqueting table in the presence of her enemies. I pray that when her enemies arise, that she will feast on my goodness. I pray that she will choose to exalt my name and worship me, for when that happens, my enemies (and hers by default) will scatter. 

Ok, so that's kind of cool. 

Today I was thinking about the rain in Lubbock. Lubbock is a farming community and because we get so little rain, the city never developed a drain system to catch the rain.  So anytime it rains, the streets are flooded. The ground doesn't know how to receive the rain fast enough. 

I feel like that's where my heart is at with God.  I feel like the smallest amount of goodness is so overwhelming to me that it causes me to shut down. I need a drainage system. I want to be able to contain and store up his goodness in my life. I feel there is more coming, and I don't want to miss out on any of it because I can't receive it. God I pray that you would create in me a clean heart that has a very deep drainage and storage system so I can contain and hold your goodness. Amen. I don't even know if that's a correct prayer. 

I was listening to my friend Wendy share about this subject this morning.  I highly encourage you listen to it. Just click on her name and it will take you to a place where you can listen to her share about her journey of wrestling with God over promises he made, and her realization of what His goodness really means.  

At the end she begins to discuss the things that kept her from fully knowing the goodness and love of God.  

I think my two biggest issues are 1) I don't believe I deserve his goodness. Which means that I'm not walking in my new identity. My former self before Christ didn't deserve His goodness. I deserved death. However, the fact that I have chosen to identify with Christ means that I am hidden in Him and a new creation. I just don't walk in that reality everyday. It's like I forget and have to remind myself all over again.  The second thing that I struggle with is that somehow I have believed that there is something more Holy or valid or something about sharing in the sufferings of Christ then being blessed by him.  I don't know how to explain it but it's kind of like an woman who has been in abusive relationships her whole life has a hard time receiving love. The wires are just crossed and the re-wiring process is fairly painful.  

All of that being said,  I do believe that God can re-wire my brain and I can practice living in the reality of deserving his affections/goodness because I am a new creation.  That's what I long for. I want to figure this out. I want to know that I know that I know that His goodness is for me and it is lavish and more than I could ever imagine.  Whether that comes through raises, promotions or marriage proposals, I don't know or care.  Sure, I want those things but they are absolutely nothing compared to being fulfilled by him, in him and through him. 

That's my desire for this season.  So I join Jesus in praying that I will come to realize what His goodness looks like in my life.

2015: welcoming a fresh start

God, thanks for letting me see another new year. Thank you for being faithful through all the good and all the hard times this last year. Thank you for being with me every step of the way, for never leaving me or forsaking me. Thank you for always loving me and forgiving me, for being patient with me, for being slow to anger and quick to love. Thank you for your steadfast mercies which are new every morning. Thank you for being bigger than my failure, for choosing to use me even though I am weak and broken. Thank you for having a bigger picture for me than what my limited vision can see. Thank you for believing I can be more and do more than I know or believe about myself. Thank you for relentlessly pursuing my heart and the destiny you have called me to. Thank you for loving my family and fighting for them even when I forget or don't care to fight. Thank you for being a healer! Thank you for always being faithful to provide. Forgive me for being small minded, partnering with fear, doubt, lack, and anything else that is anti-Kingdom. 

God forgive me for not stewarding things well, then responding out of fear and then making choices that usher in negative consequences. I ask that you baptize me with a greater measure of the fear of the Lord, and that Holy Spirit will give me strength to choose discipline so that I will be a good steward of the gifts you have given me. God I plead the blood of Jesus over my life and I ask that you destroy any strongholds of the enemy in my life that are connected to finances and intimacy. God I ask that you will usher me into greater revelation and freedom of finances and love this year. God I believe that there was a destiny that you had for me almost 20 years ago. I believe the enemy set me up and I made sinful choices that resulted in another walk in the wilderness. God I ask that this year will be the year that I see the promised land. God but before I do, I ask that you will finish the work of building the really strong foundation of character so that I can withstand the temptations of the devil. 

God I ask that you would mark this year with intimacy with you that is mind blowing, life transforming, and foundation shaking. I ask that you would break through in all the places I have said no to you in the past and cause there to be no more no's in my heart. God I ask that you would give me new vision for creating a house of prayer at Texas Tech. God I ask that you would grip my life in such a way that I cannot live outside of your presence. God I pray that you would begin to move in signs and wonders at Texas Tech. I pray that you would teach me and show me how to create an environment where there is an expectation that you will show up. 

God I pray that this year I would begin to see myself the way you see me. I pray that you would forgive me from all the times I have argued with you about who I am. I want to see through your eyes. Not only myself it others. God I pray that this year we would see honor birthed at Texas Tech. That no longer would we have to strive for honor but it would be tangible everywhere we go. I ask that you would grip the hearts of the college pastors and you would create in them a desire for unity and prayer like never before. God I ask that you would give me strength to choose you. 

I declare that 2015 is going to be a year of prosperity, favor, intimacy, divine health, restoration, unity, revival, hope, a centering and a streamlining of priorities, a bullet train that is focused and swift like an arrow, all hindrances will be thrown off, there will be great advances for the Kingdom of God and in my life personally. I declare breakthrough and freedom from past bandages, shackles will fall off during worship. I declare liberty and liberality in the Lord this year. I declare in the name of Jesus that the warfare in the 2nd heaven that has successfully halted, delayed, or disrupted the plans of God over my life in the past will cease in 2015. I declare that there will be free flowing channels, open heavens, clarity of hearing and vision, and the weighty kabod glory of God hovering over me every day in 2015. 

Jesus I declare that you are worthy and there is none like you! I pray that you will receive the reward of your suffering at Texas Tech. May your Kingdom come and your will be done at Texas Tech as it is in heaven. 

Jesus you are beautiful. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Holy Spirit forgive me for anytime I have quenched you.  Please flow freely in my life. Father thank you for wanting relationship with me and being faithful to make me a pure and spotless bride for your son. 

May the name of Jesus be magnified and glorified in 2015 in all peoples of the earth. Amen!