I am in a mood to write, but feel constipated verbally. My heart aches and I don't know how to express it. I am in desperate need of creativity. My friend Ben has asked me to write a short story to possibly be published and I am not happy with the words that come from my hands. I find it true with the words I speak as well. I used to speak and there was a certain oomph behind them that I called anointed. Now they seem empty. I've learned to be silent when the oomph isn't there, but for some reason I feel like I need to push start this engine.
My heart is particularly sad. I posted on facebook that I don't have vision for my life. It's disconcerting to define yourself as a seer (similar to a prophetic gifting) and feel like your blind. My relationship with God is strange and challenged.
I found that after going through cancer, I don't want to pray my prayers or my agenda. I want to only pray in agreement with him, but there is still strangely a place in my heart that is scared and doesn't want to ask him what His agenda is. Why does my heart not trust him? He has been more than faithful! Why do I not trust his intentions still? It grieves me that I am so easily fooled by the enemy. I tell you heart of mine, He is trustworthy! His intentions towards you are good. Even in the wilderness, even in the barrenness.
I want to lay in the sun and let it soak my body with it's warmth. My body, my heart is cold. Come and shine your love on me and warm me up.
There is an anaolgy playing out in my life. My good friend B, whom I've spent the last 6 years pursuing in friendship and in a hopeful romance, told me about 3 weeks ago that he wanted to date someone else and that we couldn't be friends anymore. I was initially shocked by this news, but then felt a great sense of peace about it. Then two weeks ago, I found out that his relationship is over and he hasn't called me. This is what has been troubling for me. My heart is so sad for him at the loss of his first relationship and I can only imagine how broken hearted he is right now. I feel just lost without him though. I want to be able to comfort him. This chance that we wont get to talk again, not because of another woman but because of a broken heart is painful. Scripture says that creation groans in anticipation for the sons of man....my heart is groaning.
I have no way to reach him either. I don't really know how that's an anaolgy, other than I can't see my way out of this and I long to be connected.
God bring revelation to my heart if there is something blocking the way for your spirit to flow into my life. Release the creativity again, not for my sake but for yours. Ok, and for mine.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Day Two: My least favorite Song
So clearly this 30 day song challenge is going to be something more like a 30 week song challenge, but hey, it gives you something to read, right?
Ok, so my least favorite song..........hmmm. That's a hard one. I honestly cannot think of "A" least favorite song. I can think of genre's that I hate. Screechy death metal, probably any song that says God is dead. So since I some more favorites. Much better. The first is a song I've wanted to dance to with the man I love for as long as I can remember. I love Randy Travis' voice, so him singing "Forever and Ever Amen" makes me swoon. Speaking of swooning, if you know me, you know my undying love for Dean Martin. While, "It's Amore" is the obvious choice for a favorite, there's just something about how he sings "Innamorata."
Ok, so my least favorite song..........hmmm. That's a hard one. I honestly cannot think of "A" least favorite song. I can think of genre's that I hate. Screechy death metal, probably any song that says God is dead. So since I some more favorites. Much better. The first is a song I've wanted to dance to with the man I love for as long as I can remember. I love Randy Travis' voice, so him singing "Forever and Ever Amen" makes me swoon. Speaking of swooning, if you know me, you know my undying love for Dean Martin. While, "It's Amore" is the obvious choice for a favorite, there's just something about how he sings "Innamorata."
Then another favorite is a song called "Just the way I am" by Ingrid Michaelson.
So these are three songs that I love for different reasons, but all really have to do with the same thing. Love. Enjoy!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The List
Donald Miller posted a blog about a week ago in which he shares a list his fiance (sad day for me) told him a list of things that she had always wanted in a husband, and he both fits this list and is in the process of becoming the list. So I'm curious, if your married, did you have a list and did your spouse meet the qualifications of that list? If your single, do you have a list?
There were many comments on Miller's blog about the variations of the types of lists that people make from shallow to ultra-specific to needy to unreachable. Again I question how does a broken person (as we are all broken people striving to be made holy) create a list that isn't flawed in some form or fashion?
I long to be loved. More so now than ever before. I am in a dark season. My body does not like me, my brain chemicals and hormones do not want to play fair, and I am depressed like never before. Should I go to the hospital and check myself into the rubber room-depressed. I have loved people deeply and selfishly and sinfully. Scripture says "love your neighbor as you love yourself," that's hard to do when most days are filled with self loathing instead of self loving (the holy kind, not the kinky kind). And frankly I feel like most days I kinda hate people too. There is a great book called "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason. There is a paragraph that rocked my world and exposed my heart like I have never seen before. In this paragraph he talks about how other people are basically like a litmus test that reveals the amount of love or hate that we have in our heart, and most days we realize that we just resent other people being alive. It's true. It's poorly paraphrased, but true in my heart. It's a paradox for me. I would jump in front of a bus for complete strangers and friends alike, but just as quickly I will resent you for taking up oxygen and my personal space. Lord help me, but I've become a hermit. Mike Mason also wrote a book called "Practicing the Presence of People: How to Learn to Love." I bought it and quickly hid it in a dark pile so I wouldn't have to read it. It makes me growl just thinking about it. So it's no surprise that I am not married. I can just see the exchange of vows. He says, "I promise to love you and cherish you and stick with you through sickness and health till death do us part." I growl, kiss him, and go have sex. The foundation of a beautiful marriage. Till death do us part might only be 3 months.
Back to the idea of lists. I had one a long time ago, made when I was 17, naive, pre-cancer, pre-hysterectomy, pre-heartache. I have no idea what my list would be now. I know a few things: an extravagant worshipper of God, a person who loves cultures, and that's about all I can say for now. So join with me in praying for someone who fits those two items to come into my life, and for me to lose my growl. They are equally miraculous feats.
There were many comments on Miller's blog about the variations of the types of lists that people make from shallow to ultra-specific to needy to unreachable. Again I question how does a broken person (as we are all broken people striving to be made holy) create a list that isn't flawed in some form or fashion?
I long to be loved. More so now than ever before. I am in a dark season. My body does not like me, my brain chemicals and hormones do not want to play fair, and I am depressed like never before. Should I go to the hospital and check myself into the rubber room-depressed. I have loved people deeply and selfishly and sinfully. Scripture says "love your neighbor as you love yourself," that's hard to do when most days are filled with self loathing instead of self loving (the holy kind, not the kinky kind). And frankly I feel like most days I kinda hate people too. There is a great book called "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason. There is a paragraph that rocked my world and exposed my heart like I have never seen before. In this paragraph he talks about how other people are basically like a litmus test that reveals the amount of love or hate that we have in our heart, and most days we realize that we just resent other people being alive. It's true. It's poorly paraphrased, but true in my heart. It's a paradox for me. I would jump in front of a bus for complete strangers and friends alike, but just as quickly I will resent you for taking up oxygen and my personal space. Lord help me, but I've become a hermit. Mike Mason also wrote a book called "Practicing the Presence of People: How to Learn to Love." I bought it and quickly hid it in a dark pile so I wouldn't have to read it. It makes me growl just thinking about it. So it's no surprise that I am not married. I can just see the exchange of vows. He says, "I promise to love you and cherish you and stick with you through sickness and health till death do us part." I growl, kiss him, and go have sex. The foundation of a beautiful marriage. Till death do us part might only be 3 months.
Back to the idea of lists. I had one a long time ago, made when I was 17, naive, pre-cancer, pre-hysterectomy, pre-heartache. I have no idea what my list would be now. I know a few things: an extravagant worshipper of God, a person who loves cultures, and that's about all I can say for now. So join with me in praying for someone who fits those two items to come into my life, and for me to lose my growl. They are equally miraculous feats.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
30 Day Song Challenge: Day One
I haven't been blogging despite my many friends complaining. I feel like words are absent from me. So in lieu of that, I am going to do the 30 day song challenge and see if that sparks some words.
Day One: Your favorite Song
I feel like this one is easy. It's a song that I have listened to for years, sometimes nightly, sometimes hourly so that I can know the truth in my heart that He is taking care of me. This song, was most brilliantly performed in the movie Sister Act 2. I have gone through season of such darkness that it seems the words to this song are the only thing that reminds me of his nearness. It's much more than the words to the song, but also the deeply soulful way in which these ladies sing it. It's like they know the pain and despair I am feeling, and really believe the words that they sing.
My favorite song is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" performed by Lauryn Hill & Tanya Blount.
Day One: Your favorite Song
I feel like this one is easy. It's a song that I have listened to for years, sometimes nightly, sometimes hourly so that I can know the truth in my heart that He is taking care of me. This song, was most brilliantly performed in the movie Sister Act 2. I have gone through season of such darkness that it seems the words to this song are the only thing that reminds me of his nearness. It's much more than the words to the song, but also the deeply soulful way in which these ladies sing it. It's like they know the pain and despair I am feeling, and really believe the words that they sing.
My favorite song is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" performed by Lauryn Hill & Tanya Blount.
So with this song, I wish each of you a deeper knowing of the nearness of God throughout the trials and tribulations that you will face in your life.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Hosea
Do you think God calls people to be modern day prophets like Hosea?
For some reason this one in particular seems to be a struggle for me. The other day I was doing one of my favorite things: personality profiles and came up with this as a description for who I am. I feel like it's pretty accurate. The problem with being "empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed." is that when it comes to co-ed relationships my need to be self-sacrificing for others can get me into a whole heaping mess. I see the potential in other people. The profile goes on to say that, "Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized.". So I see someone who is on their journey towards maturity and wholeness just like the rest of the population, someone who has broken places in their heart and I see the beauty of God within them and want to cheer them onto to wholeness, thereby fully agreeing with God's love for them....I fall in love too. Which is great, until they don't love you back. The downside of my personality profile is that, "their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others." So I'm already in love, and feel like I'll never be loved back unless I do some heroic act which I'm not really built to do, and then rejection is compounded.
All this is not theory. It's a day in and day out reality for me. Just yesterday I again confessed my undying love for a guy, told him 15 things that I love about him, and how much I long to be his partner in life. What did I get in return. Bumpkus.
Literally his response was, "I value my friendship with you so much that I'm not willing to risk it by getting involved in a romance." (The underlying reality though was that he is willing to give up my friendship by not getting involved in a romance because I just can't be around him without being in love with him.) He also stated that he feared that he would fear rejection from me if we were in a romantic relationship, while he doesn't fear rejection from me now. Lord help me....help him!
So today I sit, heartbroken for me and for him. And I wonder if I should love him like Hosea loved the prostitute. When do you choose to love yourself first and others second? When is God ok with that? Doesn't he call us all to love self sacrificially?
That being said, I don't regret what happened yesterday. I don't regret telling him I love him. I don't regret saying that we can't be friends anymore if he can't be something more. I am in a season of learning to choose myself over others. Learning to take care of myself.
I have started a raw food diet, because I want to be healthy. I am cutting off relationships that are not life giving, or are draining for a variety of reasons. I started planting a garden today to grow my own vegetables to eat. I am working with a lady to clean up my credit. It's small things but it's a bunch of "baby steps" that have me headed in a healthier direction for me.
If God showed up and told me to love this boy like Hosea loved the prostitute I would. I'm not sure that it would change the heart of a nation though. But you never know what God can do.
For some reason this one in particular seems to be a struggle for me. The other day I was doing one of my favorite things: personality profiles and came up with this as a description for who I am. I feel like it's pretty accurate. The problem with being "empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed." is that when it comes to co-ed relationships my need to be self-sacrificing for others can get me into a whole heaping mess. I see the potential in other people. The profile goes on to say that, "Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. They enliven others with their appreciation and attention, helping people to see positive qualities in themselves that they had not previously recognized.". So I see someone who is on their journey towards maturity and wholeness just like the rest of the population, someone who has broken places in their heart and I see the beauty of God within them and want to cheer them onto to wholeness, thereby fully agreeing with God's love for them....I fall in love too. Which is great, until they don't love you back. The downside of my personality profile is that, "their inner work is having to face their underlying Center fear of worthlessness. Beneath the surface, all three types fear that they are without value in themselves, and so they must be or do something extraordinary in order to win love and acceptance from others." So I'm already in love, and feel like I'll never be loved back unless I do some heroic act which I'm not really built to do, and then rejection is compounded.
All this is not theory. It's a day in and day out reality for me. Just yesterday I again confessed my undying love for a guy, told him 15 things that I love about him, and how much I long to be his partner in life. What did I get in return. Bumpkus.
Literally his response was, "I value my friendship with you so much that I'm not willing to risk it by getting involved in a romance." (The underlying reality though was that he is willing to give up my friendship by not getting involved in a romance because I just can't be around him without being in love with him.) He also stated that he feared that he would fear rejection from me if we were in a romantic relationship, while he doesn't fear rejection from me now. Lord help me....help him!
So today I sit, heartbroken for me and for him. And I wonder if I should love him like Hosea loved the prostitute. When do you choose to love yourself first and others second? When is God ok with that? Doesn't he call us all to love self sacrificially?
That being said, I don't regret what happened yesterday. I don't regret telling him I love him. I don't regret saying that we can't be friends anymore if he can't be something more. I am in a season of learning to choose myself over others. Learning to take care of myself.
I have started a raw food diet, because I want to be healthy. I am cutting off relationships that are not life giving, or are draining for a variety of reasons. I started planting a garden today to grow my own vegetables to eat. I am working with a lady to clean up my credit. It's small things but it's a bunch of "baby steps" that have me headed in a healthier direction for me.
If God showed up and told me to love this boy like Hosea loved the prostitute I would. I'm not sure that it would change the heart of a nation though. But you never know what God can do.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Words
I've been asked to put words to the webpage, words I'm not sure I have. So this may be a hodge podge sort of blog, but here goes:
1. Things I'm grateful for:
Post Cancer Update: I should be going to the dr sometime soon to for my first 3 month check up. I don't want to go. I dread it. i don't know why. I don't know if it's cuz I'm afraid that it'll be bad news or just the normal dread a woman has about "girlie exams". I am taking a hormone patch and a pill. It's a lot of estrogen, and I would like for my body to not need so much. We've found out that my thyroid was running extremely low, so I've started taking a new thyroid med as well. This has changed things quite dramatically. For those that have known me for a long time, I used to get so cold that I would have to take a bath to warm up. Now I'm sweating like a hooker in Sunday school. These pills along with my new diet will hopefully begin to help slough off the extra weight I'm carrying and help me feel better. I quit my surgeon after several frustrating events and will be working with the Southwest Cancer Center again. Hopefully they will be nice to me. I still struggle emotionally and probably need to talk to a counselor. I find that I'm in a season of self pruning. It's time to cut off a lot of dead weight, or cut out the cancers of my life. God's promises at the beginning have remained true in my life: He is jealous for me and Health is on the other side of this mountain. How very little I know about both of those issues. I've been thinking a lot about the work/worship connection in the Hebrew language. It's more than a connection, there the same thing. I find that in my need for more hours both because of the finances it provides but also for the sanity it provides, I understand a side of worship that I never saw before. Worship brings sanity. It brings things into a right perspective. Worship brings order, therefore work brings order in our lives too.
Things I'm praying for:
1. Things I'm grateful for:
- lower gas prices
- good conversations about prayer
- dreams of God being shared with me
- my comprehension that it's primarily His work and my partnership instead of vice versa
- friends who stick by me
- the healing of my life that cancer brought
- time with a precious newborn named Autumn, that is much easier than i anticipated
- grace to choose a raw foods diet for almost a week
- my brother passing all his tests to become a fireman
- tentatively more hours that I'll be scheduled to work=more $
Post Cancer Update: I should be going to the dr sometime soon to for my first 3 month check up. I don't want to go. I dread it. i don't know why. I don't know if it's cuz I'm afraid that it'll be bad news or just the normal dread a woman has about "girlie exams". I am taking a hormone patch and a pill. It's a lot of estrogen, and I would like for my body to not need so much. We've found out that my thyroid was running extremely low, so I've started taking a new thyroid med as well. This has changed things quite dramatically. For those that have known me for a long time, I used to get so cold that I would have to take a bath to warm up. Now I'm sweating like a hooker in Sunday school. These pills along with my new diet will hopefully begin to help slough off the extra weight I'm carrying and help me feel better. I quit my surgeon after several frustrating events and will be working with the Southwest Cancer Center again. Hopefully they will be nice to me. I still struggle emotionally and probably need to talk to a counselor. I find that I'm in a season of self pruning. It's time to cut off a lot of dead weight, or cut out the cancers of my life. God's promises at the beginning have remained true in my life: He is jealous for me and Health is on the other side of this mountain. How very little I know about both of those issues. I've been thinking a lot about the work/worship connection in the Hebrew language. It's more than a connection, there the same thing. I find that in my need for more hours both because of the finances it provides but also for the sanity it provides, I understand a side of worship that I never saw before. Worship brings sanity. It brings things into a right perspective. Worship brings order, therefore work brings order in our lives too.
Things I'm praying for:
- My credit score to improve and the finances to provide for me to buy my own house so that I might become a foster/adoptive/host parent in this next year.
- A permanent location for 24-7 prayer amongst university students in Lubbock that is not attached to a denomination in anyway.
- God's continued guidance and connections for 247 in Lubbock.
- Healing Grace for my body and mind. I've spent many years exercising my spirit, now it's time to exercise my body & soul so that I can be a unified healthy piece of the body.
- Jobs for my brothers that they both enjoy and in which they are well paid.
- It really has less to do with my wish list or agenda, and much more to do with what is God's heart and will for my life, the unification of prayer amongst university students and his will for my brothers. Lord, not my will but your will be done.
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