So I signed up for eHarmony

I felt like God told me to sign up for eharmony. I picked up a q-tip, made sure my ears were clean, asked again...and he said "now's the time." WTF? There has been an urgency this last couple of weeks that I haven't so much felt before. So....I'm open to suggestions. Here's my basic criteria: 33-39 yrs old. I'd be willing to consider over 40, maybe. I happen to be attracted to multiple races. My main non-negotiable is that I want a passionate worshiper of Jesus. If he weeps at the mention of Jesus name, I'm hooked. We can live in the suburbs, the ghettos or anywhere in between. He should have a job of some sort too. I was not created to be a sugar-mama. Of course there are a lot of other qualities that can be broken down from there, but that will give each of you a good starting point, for your husband scavenger hunt assignment. :) Since I'm sending you on this wild goose chase, I thought I would tell you what character traits eHarmony thinks I would be most compatible with. Here we go:

You will do best with someone who is attentive and available when you need him, but doesn't smother you with attention. You are most compatible with someone who believes that communication is vital in creating a healthy relationship, but you may have problems with someone who feels a burning need to know every last detail about your past or every thought that crosses your mind. Your ideal mate is someone who isn't afraid to stand up for his opinions, but doesn't always feel the need to do so. However, you will not do well with someone who needs to dominate every conversation and win every argument. You will be happiest with a man who works to control his temper when he is upset. He generally has a long fuse, so he doesn't get mad very often. However, your best match needs to have a strong backbone in order to gain and keep your respect.

You will be happiest with a man who appreciates romance but doesn't shower you with chocolates and flowers every day. He's the kind of man who can be affectionate and cuddly in private, but doesn't overdose on sappy sentiments or public displays of affection. His friends and family see him as someone who is funny and interesting but who knows when to take things seriously. You'll be happiest in the long run with a man who's generally outgoing and vivacious but who appreciates a regular dose of quiet and relaxation to keep him at his best. You will be best matched with a man who is eager to find out more about things that interest him. He likes to learn about the world by trying new things, like exotic foods, a far-flung vacation destination or conversations with people from other cultures.

Your ideal mate is knowledgeable and well-read. His friends and family know him as someone who enjoys knowing a lot about certain subjects, without being someone who always needs to be the "smartest" guy in the room. Your ideal mate is the kind of man who is serious about putting his values into action. He feels a personal responsibility to make the world a better place and, unlike many people, he practices what he preaches. You are best suited to someone who shares your view that there's more to life than work.

So good luck to you in your search for my husband. God speed!

Insert string of explitives here

may we all be able to take joy in our trials and tribulations as these parents have.

"Transformation happens experientially, not intellectually."

Can I just begin by telling you how validating it was to read the quote that is the title to this blog. "Transformation happens experientially, not intellectually." That's pretty much been my hearts cry for the past several years. I have cried out, God I want to know your love, experientially. I know it intellectually...but I want to know your manifest love in my life.

So as I have asked God for that, I have made some progress, but probably not as much as I would like. This weekend at the Pursue Conference, I went up for prayer. The couple that prayed for me, knew bits and pieces of me, mostly thru different prayer times together. They proceeded to pray that God would reveal his love to me and that I would know that I know that I know how much God loves me. Awesome! Great prayer. Wait a minute....how did you know that was an issue...is what I thought to myself. Am I walking around like Pigpen on Charlie Brown? Is there a cloud of dust that follows me around? Was it discernment? Was it a Word of Knowledge? Had my friend who works with them been blabbing about me and my issues? No matter, it bothered me. I asked God how do we fix this, and I was reminded of a statement I had made a few days earlier. In reference to my work ethic, I told my boss..."I'm not hungry." (My boss is a friend, so I can have honest conversations like that and it not be weird.) I'll work, do my job, but there is not an internal drive to "be all I can be." I'm comfortable, satiated, complacent. Yuck! Which is why I tend to move to a new city. I need a jolt in my system. Somehow I've quit focusing on the beauty and majesty of Jesus, started focusing on my pain, and decided to become comfortable and even lazy when it comes to life. Be it a job, weight loss, dating, education...I've lost my drivenness. I want it back. But I want it refined, so that I can be driven relying on God's strength and not my own. Here are some more good quotes.

The following are quotes taken from the Monday Morning Memo by The Wizard.

“The brain has three natural roadblocks that stand in the way of truly innovative thinking:
1. flawed perception
2. fear of failure
3. the inability to persuade others.”
– Dr. Gregory Berns, neuroscientist, psychiatrist, and Distinguished Chair of Neuroeconomics at Emory University.

“It typically takes a novel stimulus – either a new piece of information or getting out of the environment in which an individual has become comfortable – to jolt attentional systems awake and reconfigure both perception and imagination. The more radical and novel the change, the greater the likelihood of new insights being generated.” – p.58, Iconoclast, by Gregory Berns.

Get out and smell the roses.

This is something I'm pondering. I'll write more later.

Homelessness in Lubbock

If you are interested in helping the homeless in Lubbock, here are a couple of options that you can be involved in:

1) Carpenter's Church feeds the homeless on Tuesday nights at 7pm. You can find out more information through Broadway Church of Christ.
2) The Bridge of Lubbock feeds the homeless on M, W, F at noon.
3) First United Methodist feeds the homeless on T, Th, Sa at 11:30. Check the time.
4) Broadway Church of Christ feeds the homeless on Sunday at lunch.

There are options if you really want to help.

Now open to the public

For your reading pleasure, the Paradoxical Prophet, is now open to the public. Enjoy.

Homosexuality

Before I jump into my subject for today, let me just say that there are only two of you who have access to read my blog. I'm still gun shy, I guess, that I'm going to say something stupid. So I haven't opened it up for everyone. I guess after a few entries, if I can trust myself, maybe I'll open it up.

Ok, now on to the topic at hand.

What would you do if a friend of yours called you asking for advise about their sexuality? Let's say your friend has struggled with their sexuality for 10+ years. And I say struggled, really only because their sexual inclinations don't line up with the Biblical prescriptions for sexuality. And really, I don't know if it's so much a struggle with the Bible as much as it is with the church, because your friend knows that the gay lifestyle is a sin, but "can't help it" because freedom hasn't come yet. In that place, it's the church's response that makes the current predicament all the more painful.

So your friend calls you, and says that they have tried over and over and over again to do things the right way, but continue to fail, thereby living a tormented life. Not free enough to live celibate/straight loving Jesus, not hardened enough to live a full on gay life.

So your friend calls, in that crux of a moment wanting to know what to do. Keep on living in torment, attempting to run the race laid before them, yet falling every few minutes OR let go of the torment, live gay and love Jesus, hoping that someday healing will come in His hands/timing instead of something that humanity initiates.

What would you say? What do you say, when you know that the chances of there being any Christians who will welcome your friend into fellowship despite the brokenness that is so evident in their life.

What do you say if your friend calls and is in the same situation but the sin is adultery? Promiscuity? Pornography? Theft? Laziness? Financial Irresponsibility? Selfishness? Anger? Etc...

When did the church become an agency of laws and regulations instead of the co-author of grace?

My heart is heavy for my friend. I sent my friend away with permission to live in the moment, without expectations from religion, society, etc. I sent my friend away, with a prayer that the voice of the Lord would be heard clearly saying, "Though you are very dark, you are very lovely in my eyes." I know that those words were freeing and painful. I sent my friend away knowing full well they will end up in a lovers arms, Jesus will continue to love, and consequences will come (both good and bad). My heart hurts for my friend.

My heart hurts for the church. My heart hurts for our bridegroom, because his bride is so messed up.

____________________________
One last thought. Politically, Christians say "vote the Bible". How do you prioritize political issues that all have Biblical roots. What makes Abortion a more Biblical issue than the environment?

Just curious. ;)

Madame Blueberry

I think Madame Blueberry is the Veggie-tale that has impacted my life the most. I am constantly reminded of how horribly ungrateful I am. Over these last few months I have been drowning in the heaviness of life. It seemed as though crappy circumstances were on every corner. I tried to count it all as joy. (Freudian slip...I typed in "count it as job"...as in the guy who suffered)

Now that there is less "suffering" in my life I see myself watching the lives of others who are suffering much more than I.

My brother Cole buried a friend from high school yesterday, who was murdered two days ago in the "Road-Rage" Murder in Lubbock of Daniel Green. It was extremely hard on Cole to bury our grandfather 4 months ago, and now to have to bury a friend. One he worked with, drank with, laughed with. It's so sad. Cole and his friends are only 24.

My friend Kyle is 26 and had open heart surgery one week ago.

My uncle who has MS, fell and broke his hip. He had to have surgery yesterday. They cannot treat his pain because of the MS. This is just after his mother had been in the hospital because her stomach was bleeding. And less than a month after his father was in the hospital with open heart surgery. Gramps will have to go back in to have another surgery in a few weeks.

So I guess all I'm saying is that I know there are people who have much worse circumstances.

I try to be grateful, but it doesn't come out like I hoped.

Holly and I went to see "The Secret life of Bees" on Friday. There was a sister May who carried the weight of the world on her. I have felt like that. I don't want to feel like that anymore. It's not my burden to carry.

Lord help me. Be with Cole, Claude, Kyle and Daniel's family.

God of Second Chances

As I sit here, debating whether I should join the blogging world again, I am grateful that I serve a God of second chances. For those of you that don't know me, but are familiar with the personality tests that describe you as a color, I am GREEN. I'm also a high blue. But I am really GREEN. So I do a lot of thinking, analyzing, contemplating, etc. With such deep introspection usually comes the need to verbalize. And unfortunately it's not always pretty. You see, sometimes in the past I have been known to reveal the darkest parts of my soul. Part of that is because my pendulum has swung to full on authenticity/vulnerability. I despise/loathe the pretentious nature of the church. Christians walk around pretending their lives smells of roses, conveniently ignoring the manure that helps those roses grow.

That all being said, there has been too much darkness out there about me. My blogs have gotten me in a lot of trouble. I have publicly mocked my friends (apparently, I was just reminded of that...and am terribly sorry about it too), told X rated details of my life, and I feel have done the very thing that I hoped never to do: heap more shame on the name of Jesus. I do a good enough job, just by screwing up all the time...but to blab about it too is Terrible.

So, after a few years of self imposed grounding, I hesitantly return to the world of blogging. Consider this diatribe both a warning and an invitation. I am a paradoxical prophet. I am not ashamed of the Gospel, and praise God that He's not ashamed of me. In fact, he calls me lovely. It's a miracle beyond my understanding.