It's 5:53 in the morning. I've been up since 4:30. I had a migraine last night and probably didn't fall asleep until 11 or 11:30pm. For some reason, my migraine medicine makes me wake up early the next day. Normally I have this "somewhere over the rainbow" feeling but today I woke up sad.
This world that we live in is sad. I recently found the guy that I loved in high school on facebook. I remember the days when he loved Jesus. I'm not saying that he doesn't love Jesus now, but he's outing himself on facebook, which in many ways is a big step. He's never come out and admitted it to me. I'm just sad about it. I've grieved it many times. It's like someone has died.
I don't really know what to say to him. I've had a ton of gay friends. Another good friend of mine called me about a month ago and basically said that he's going back to being gay. He's tried living straight and pursuing God with a whole heart, but in the end is tired of feeling tortured. He told me last night, "I just want to be at peace." What I've realized in the last few hours is that the lack of chaos does not necessarily mean peace. When we give in to the temptations that are around us, we certainly silence the wrestling within us...but only for a moment. It becomes like a drug at that point...always needing just a bit more to be satisfied. True peace is something much bigger than the momentary silencing of tension in our lives.
When I lived in Wisconsin, I lived with two gay guys at one point and with two sisters (one of which was a lesbian.) I love this community. My heart breaks for them. I want to be an advocate for them. I want to show God's love to them. While my heart breaks for the LGBT community, there is something in my that is just rocked to the core when people who have known Jesus walk away from Him. I'm sure people have felt that about me as I've made many choices to walk away from Him, to run after the Sirens.
The thing is I don't know how to communicate with this high school friend. We'll call him Bob to protect his anonymoty ?. I don't know whether I should not say anything at all. I don't know whether I should re-assure him that he won't be rejected by me. I don't know whether to tell him that for every other gay person in the world, I could except them just as they are...but I don't think I could ever be ok with the choice that he's making. I don't know whether I can tell him, that I just want to fall down weeping, when I think about this. I've got a broken heart that has been broken multiple times over the last 20 years by this man. He abandoned our friendship with no explanation. Now is the first time that he's even acknowledged my existence and opened up a way to communicate to him. I'm sure that he's got a mask on that says he doesn't care what people's reactions are (mine included)...but I have to believe that somewhere deep inside of him, he's wanting to see how we'll respond.
So, I don't know what to do. As for now, I have to get ready for work. I have to catch the bus in 40 minutes.
Pray for me today if you read this. My emotions are a bit wacky in my post-migraine world. I seem to be extra sensitive. No time for sensitivity on Mondays.
I was going to write about something else today, I don't remember what it was. Maybe it'll come to me. Price of Peace...will you reign today over me.
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