Groanings

For the last six weeks, I can say that the word groanings would most describe my life.  There's an ironic thing that happens when there's a spiritual promotion, in that you realize how unprepared for this new stage in life you actually are.  So I certainly have spent much time in prayer asking God to quickly fill in the holes of my life.  I live with so much pride, but the reality is I am a broken fool.  Oh how my heart is grieved. 

I want to add to this, that I feel like Swiss cheese. The thing about being promoted is you realize how unprepared you really are to do the thing that God has called you to do. I am seeing all of those holes. I feel broken. So the good thing is my only cry is "come Lord Jesus." I feel like a detriment to this thing we're doing rather than an asset. That's the beauty of repentance, rightly seeing yourself. So it's beautiful but hard. I need the Lord to fill me with his presence all the more today.

As for finances, I've done nothing but buy the Dave Ramsey stuff. It's hard to do much else when there's no steady income.  I really, really, really need people to speak into my life about this issue.  As for health, I was going to start the HCG diet on March 1st but it snuck up on me, so I didn't do anything.  But I still haven't drank soda in almost 2 months, so that's great.  Baby steps.

I am reading a couple of books right now.  1) Dreaming with God by Bill Johnson
2) Atheist Manifesto by Michael Onfray and I want to get God Will Provide by Patricia Treece, and for fun I would like to start reading the Wicked Series that starts with Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire.

In seasons of growth, sanity is challenged because you are being forced to think about things differently.  You are being forced to see things from a higher level.  The way you have seen things and the things you have believed are being revealed in the light of the Truth, and you are being forced to expand your heart, soul, mind and strength to  take in the new revelation.  It your loyalties are tied stronger to the idea than the Idea Giver, then you will have a hard time with growth.  When the cry from your heart is "transform my mind," be prepared for groanings and shakings to accompany the transformation.  What you are going through is similar to labor pains in delivery.  They are hard and painful, but the outcome is to be cherished.  

I'm asking the Lord to do a quickening in my heart.  I'm asking the Lord to give me the grace to change and lay down my stubborn pride.  My idoliziation of convenience and lazy American lifestyles.  God, help me to choose the hard road.  I want to be conformed to the image of your son and I am so far from it.