It's been a while since I've written. I think it's been a long time since I had words to describe what the Lord is doing in my heart. I'll be honest, that I'm not sure that I know exactly what's going on now, but I see glimpses.
For the last 6 months, I have been working with students at Texas Tech, helping to create spaces and places for them to encounter the presence of God. While I have been predominately dormant for the last several years, spiritually speaking, this has been such an exhilarating time in my life. A time for new opportunities to trust the Lord in ways I haven't dreamed of in 15 or more years. It's not difficult for me to believe that God will show up and transform the hearts of people in Lubbock or the students. I have seen him do it in my own life and I know He will do it again. Even if I hadn't seen Him do it in my life, it's what He does. He encounters and transforms people. Historically, Biblically, personally...it's what Jesus loves to do. He loves to reveal himself to people. So praying that God will change the hearts of the student body at Tech is not hard for me to believe. It may take time for there to be a tangible culture shift at Tech, and it may seem incredibly challenging given that we've got approximately 4 years to reach a student body before there's a whole new crowd to deal with, I still am a believer in his transforming power. Prayer changes things! In the midst of this though, there is a really painful reality thought that there are hidden places where doubt and unbelief have taken root. A history of having a heart that is moved by compassion, creates multiple opportunities for me to want to go on xyz mission trip and unfortunately not see money come in.
But even as I say that, it's not God's fault. There are multiple things going on here. I grew up in a poor family so there's a spirit of poverty that is still trying to work in my life. Then there's the whole issue of sewing and reaping. Unfortunately, I have stolen several times in my life, never fully trusting God's ability to provide. I have sewn a lot of crap into my life. I've stolen from people, from non-profits, from businesses and more. I've stolen pens and I've stolen hundreds of dollars. I've written hot checks on multiple occasions, I've flat out taken hard cold cash and lied about it. What God has called Holy, I have treated incredibly casually and participated with the enemy in bringing about devastation in other peoples lives. So here I am working a non-profit, asking people to give me money and I'm getting very little in. I've cried, complained, and forgive my french "bitched and moaned" all to no avail. The one thing I haven't done is repent. Why you ask? I don't know how to. I know that may sound crazy, but it's true. My go-to response to situations like this is to do penance, trusting in my own works instead of choosing repentance, thereby receiving grace through the cross of Christ. This is the pivotal point of my walk with Christ. When it all boils down, I rarely want to depend on the Cross and more often than not, wish I could save myself. I don't like depending on someone else to be my savior. Every-time I am confronted with my inability to save myself, I fall into a deep depression because that is the soul's response to the realization that it cannot save itself, and be glorified. It takes me a while to work myself up to the point of repentance and receiving mercy and grace. It is painful, bittersweet to be sure. The thought of someone else paying for my selfishness hurts. Hopefully it hurts enough to keep me from being selfish again next time.
So as I pursue revival on Tech's campus, I am likewise pursuing revival in my own heart. New life for this heart that is dead and broken. I am pursuing grace, which is so desperately needed, but not cheap grace. I am pursuing a grace that is hard to receive, beautifully refreshing, and a true work of transformation. Kris Valliton says that you can't separate revival and generosity. I hope that's true because I'm pursuing revival. May my repentant heart be a fertile ground for people to sew into, that bears much fruit. May the Fear of the Lord keep me close to Him recognizing him as my true provider. I so easily could end up being the next "preacher" who falls into sexual sin, embezzlement, or any other hidden thing. My friend Chad Wheeler posted on his facebook yesterday a really great essay that speaks to this issue. "Compassion grows with the inner recognition that your neighbor shares
your humanity with you. This partnership cuts through walls which might
have kept you separate. Across all barriers of land and language, wealth
and poverty, knowledge and ignorance, we are one, created from the same
dust, subject to the same laws, and destined for the same end. With
this compassion you can say, 'In the face of
the oppressed I recognize my own face and in the hands of the oppressor
I recognize my own hand. Their flesh is my flesh, their blood is my
blood, their pain is my pain, their smile is my smile. Their ability to
torture is in me, too; their capacity to forgive I find also in myself.
There is nothing in me that does not belong to them too; nothing in them
that does not belong to me. In my heart, I know their yearning for
love, and down to my entrails I can feel their cruelty. In anothers'
eyes I see my plea for forgiveness, and in a hardened frown I see my
refusal. When someone murders, I know that I too could have done that,
and when someone gives birth, I know that I am capable of that as well.
In the depths of my being, I meet my fellow humans with whom I share
love and have life and death." - Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands
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