In my career as a college student, I have cried in class twice. Once was 10+ years ago and it was Biblical Hebrew. Last night it was Liberation Theology. Liberation Theology is a popular form of Christianity, particularly in South America. Its main tenets are that the gospel and the message of Jesus Christ is primarily about setting the captives free and loving the broken, lost, poor, weak and vulnerable. I personally believe that they also draw a line that says that if your Christianity doesn't look like this, then you may not be a Christian (or at least that they doubt the sincerity of your faith).
Anytime conversations are happening, they are not without context. Last night, there was a context (behind the scenes) of my own life, the context of the lives of my fellow students, professors, and the context of America in the midst of the global context. There's lots of context that weighed on those conversations. Part of that context was that I voted for Trump. When I voted for Trump, I liked let's say 6 out of 10 things about him. It turns out that those 4 things that I don't like about him are weighted differently than the six things I do like about him, so they feel more like I dislike 9 things about him and only like 1 thing about him. The weightiness of the stuff that is being said about him before he was elected and since, are incredibly heavy. I like most American's don't REALLY know what is or isn't true. Media has and can really distort things. You can offer sound bites that are totally taken out of context and completely misconstrue what someone was trying to say. So it is entirely possible that Trump has said and fully meant every horrible thing he has ever said or maybe he didn't. Either way, the weightiness of his choices and words has cost me a lot of relationships. I have friends who I have known for years who won't speak to me anymore because I voted for him. I have people who used to respect me, who don't anymore. His election has been very costly. I don't regret my choice. I would probably vote for him again. I still would not vote for Hillary. It's been costly, and I have internalized Trumps poor choices and now walk around with voter's guilt. Every news story of people being denied health care or whatever because of something Trump did, I feel like has been another rock around my neck. I am broken over the state of America and I feel helpless and hopeless for a solution on how to change it. So I walked into class, carrying a box of Thin Mints because I knew it was going to be a tough night, guarded. My professor does not like Trump. I won't say he hates him, but he is angry at Trumps choices. So that add's its own measure of context to the situation. The first hour and a half, I felt like we were listening to a sermon "Sinners in the hands of an angry God." For an hour and a half, the professor spoke angrily about the state of the church of America and American herself, because both are complicit. Because the class is based in a forum, I tried to interject some opinions on how I see the world and I felt shut down. I also felt my other classmates who tried to voice opinions were being shut down too. When we took our break, I went outside and inhaled a box of Thin Mints, because I was eating my emotions. I was angry and I felt powerless. I went back in for the second half and hoped I could bide my time and get out without incident. But the professor asked me why I was taking it all personally. And my lip started quivering. And then a fellow student brought up the power differential in the room and as my professor backed down, I lost it. I cried for what felt like 10 minutes with everyone watching me. MISERABLE! And then I tried to verbalize it, to answer his questions. But they felt weak and not comprehensive. And then, he said that he was sorry and told me three more reasons he was right. Ugh.
He said that he thought I was his ally because I connected him with another professor that shares his points of views. I highly respect both of these men, but I don't always see the world the same way they do. And I feel like every time they highlight the tragedies of this world, that somehow I am to blame. Some of this is absolutely false guilt. Some of it is conviction. Some of it is the fact that I am highly empathetic and feel broken about the state of the US and the world.
On top of all of this, there is the fact that there was a power differential in the room. He is a he and he is also a professor. My femininity and the fact that I am a student make it incredibly hard to disagree with someone when they are in a position of power. In this case, I really wish that if he wanted to lecture us, it would have been presented as a lecture class. But when it is a forum class, I wish my opinions could be heard and debated without being completely shot down. I told him and the class, "I am not looking to be coddled intellectually. I want to be challenged. But I also want to be heard." I didn't feel heard. Especially after the apology and 3 more reasons to prove he was right and statements like "I'm the professor and have read more so maybe I am just supposed to win the argument." I get it. Totally. Make it a lecture class then. I am teachable and can totally sit back and listen to what you think is the right way to see the world. Don't ask for my opinion and then not hear it.
As a woman who has been abused by men in a variety of different ways throughout my life, I am frustrated and broken by the system. The irony is we were acting out the dynamics of Liberation Theology and I was the oppressed. As he was angrily lecturing us about the value of liberation theology, he missed me as an individual.
I can honestly say that I don't know why I really cried. I don't know if it was the drama at my job, regular grad school pressure, haven't seen my family pressure, grant proposal and ethnographic research plans pressure, Trump/USA stuff I said earlier and/or so much more. So it may have been unavoidable. I am giving him deference by saying these things. It's not all his fault.
As a woman, when we cry in public, we feel crazy. We fear that people think we are crazy. I am highly emotional. I don't want people to think that I am weak and vulnerable. These people have my future in their hands. I need recommendation letters and stuff. I don't want to be seen as fragile and anxiety ridden. We make jokes about me ending up in the fetal position in class, but I am not unstable. I feel things REALLY deeply. I don't want to be applauded for crying nor do I want to be thought of as weak, unstable or crazy. My relationship with classmates and professors is not deep enough to sustain that kind of vulnerability. It reminds me of 1 Cor 13:7 in The Mirror Translation, "Love is a fortress where everyone feels protected rather than exposed!" I didn't feel protected, I felt exposed. I didn't feel loved. I'm grateful next week is spring break and I hope the shame/vulnerability that I feel will melt away by then.
I want to be very clear. I do not blame my professor! It is not his fault. I totally forgive him. He is a great teacher and a great man. I am grateful he is in my life. (I'm not just saying this to save face, it's true.) I in no way am writing this to defame his character. I am just journaling out my feelings about how things went down as an attempt at catharsis. I am not mentioning his name on purpose and the only way that anyone from that situation will ever see this is if they are already following me, which I highly doubt.
I don't even know if this is all of it. This is just the top layer of emotions right now. This is my prayer, my offering to God to heal my hurting heart.
I covet your prayers.
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