Turkish Delight

For probably three years now, I've been asking God for the ability to know his manifest love. What I mean by that is, I know (intellectually, theologically, theoretically) that He/God/Jesus loves me (for the Bible tells me so.) What I've always struggled with is the idea of an experiential knowledge of His love. What does it mean, What does it feel like, What does it look like to experience God's love? It's kind of the same thing with people around me. Friends and family...I know they love me...but what does that look like. Does that make sense? There are times when I "KNOW" I've been/am loved. Sometimes it's in the cards friends send in the mail, sometimes it's in the late night conversations...but those moments are honestly rare in my life. Most of the time I live my life with no real exposure to intimacy (or emotional encounters).

I wrote a poem many years ago, on 11/2/02 to be exact. It's called

"Eyes So Bright."

Take a walk with me
Back to yester-year, when life was free.
And there was the joy of coming
home after school, when Mom
With eyes so bright would greet you.
And dad would come home after work, tired
from a long day-yet when you climbed
in His lap and told your story for the day
His eyes reflected his interest
in your daring adventures. And
grandma's and grandpa's and people
everywhere you went greeted you with eyes
so Bright, you couldn't help know
that you were special.

Somewhere between then and now
People got busy and your story became less important.
But all you knew to do is to keep looking for
the light in someone's eyes. The fire in men
burned fiercely, but faded quickly.
And as you tap danced for God and pastors, like rabid
dogs showing their teeth as they snarl
you realize they are hungry for your talent not your heart.
"She can sing, she can dance--we'll elevate her above the rest"
and so your heart compromises yet once again.

Year's will go by and memories will fade.
In the end there will still be a little girl longing
for someone's eyes to smile at her.

--The End

I've been thinking about that poem quite a bit lately. At my new job, I feel useless. I'm working for a friend and that adds a lot of pressure. I want to feel his delight in me, I was his eyes to smile at me. He is a representation of how I see the Father. I get stuck in performance based "love." I'm so aware of the darkness of my heart, which compounds the ridiculousness of performance based love. Grace is an angel I wrestle with. I will not let go until you bless me, with a double portion even. And I will walk with a limp because of it.

I write all of this because on Friday night I went to a home church kind of thing in BFE. I had been telling God that I really needed to hear from him for the last couple of days. Kind of one of those "Are you still there?" or "Daddy, hold me" moments. It was a charismatic place to say the least....so there was a lot of speaking in tongues and prophetic worship going on. During the worship the leader called me out and began to prophesy over me. It happened real fast so I missed a lot of it. I heard him affirm my calling as an intercessor to/for the nations. I heard him say something about being in an Esther season of preparation. I don't really remember what else.

Then I felt God whisper to me Isaiah 49. I don't think I had ever read Isaiah 49 before (in whole). So these words were so sweet to me. I liken it to being surprised with flowers or a sweet card from your lover.

So in conclusion to this extremely long blog...I want to share with you words to a song called Beautiful by Bethany Dillon. I (and probably every other woman) completely understand the lyrics to this song.

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus] I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

I hope you feel, hear, see, know, taste, touch, EXPERIENCE the Father's great love and delight in you today. You ARE beautiful.