Achey breaky heart

I don't know what it is but there is a groan inside of me. Started last night in worship and haven't been able to shake it. It's a longing for intimacy for sure, but it's more that that. I find the temptation to day dream is getting harder to fight. I want Calgon to sweep me away. In another life I know what would fix this problem, but that life is past and no longer bears any viable options. I think it's the ache of barrenness. The longing for husband and family. 

A guy friend called out of the blue. We haven't spoken in months. Maybe 3 times in the last two years. I loved him once. And as he calls out of the blue, we pick up right where we left off. At one point he says he can see through me, he knows me...and yet he still doesn't choose me. There is nothing more wounding than being fully seen and not chosen. I cannot afford to be your ego boost any longer. 

It's a place of radical discontentment. I would rather have any life other than this one. Teach me to be grateful for the here and now. One day I will miss this time. I don't want to be Israel who wants a king just to be like everyone else. That was so very destructive. 

Maybe I just need sleep.