Birthdays: Worse than Chinese Water Torture

We've seen those movies like Tomb Raider or something where the main character is tied up and attached to a conveyor belt, which is whisking them away to a machine which will momentarily chop them into bits unless they are rescued.

That's how birthday's feel to me.  There is a time and day and no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape getting older.  It's not just the getting older thing, although that's a big part.  For me the weeks preceding and the day itself are fraught with a myriad of mixed emotions and expectations.

The ideal situation: 1) I felt like compared to all other 39'ers I was successful. 2) I am surrounded by 10-12 deeply close friends, plus my family all of who are super excited that I am on the earth and can't wait to lavish me with love, words of encouragement, and walks down memory lane.  3) Those friends and family are so looking forward to celebrating me that they have purchased super intentional presents that will blow my mind with how much I am loved and known. 4) I would end the day telling God I am very grateful to be alive, how excited I am about turning 39, and can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead of us.

Reality (as I see it): 1) Despite my internal believe if you love Jesus and are loved by him then you are successful.  The reality is that we live in a culture that defines success very differently.  Marriage: Kids: Degrees: Jobs: Bank Accounts, Clothing Size, etc....that's how our culture defines success. I am a failure based on those definitions. I can't help but look at my life compared to my peers and feel like a 12 year old pretending to be a grown up.  Yes, I know....comparison is the thief of joy.  Somebody quick...call 911. My joy just got stolen by the Birthday Monster.  2) Relationships are difficult.  I have had some friendships in my life that have been deeply profound and meaningful.  Unfortunately, many of them live thousands of miles away.  I have a few peer relationships in Lubbock. The other unfortunate thing is that 99.9% of the time I feel like a burden to bear rather than a friend to be celebrated.  I don't feel like a priority or a treasure.  Quite frankly if I didn't bring up my birthday and Facebook didn't notify you, I honestly wonder who would remember my birthday.  I've thought about testing that theory, but I don't know that I could handle the disappointment I would feel if no one called or did anything.  My love tank certainly is at an all time low. 2b) Furthermore, new relationships are tough!  It's hard to invest in new relationships.  2c) More than that, the writing of this blog can be misconstrued as manipulative and that's the last thing that I want.  Actually, the difficulty is how do you express very real emotions and needs/wants. It seems that it either forces people to celebrate you when they may not have wanted to do it initially and then you get in an ugly cycle of forcing action, and feeling as though the reaction isn't genuine or you say what you feel and nothing changes.  It's a very complicated path to navigate in my opinion.  3) Finances are tight all around.  Presents will be rare. 4) I will go to bed half happy/half sad. Life will continue.

So after thinking about all of this, I tend to do one of two things:  I become more distant, less dependent, and more independent.  I don't need people.  I am perfectly ok all by myself.  I'll cancel all festivities, go spend time with Jesus and live in my own happy bubble.  Option 2, which is much harder, is to choose to be grateful for whatever is given.  Let go of expectations.  Tell God that you want to be loved, and open your heart to love.  And be grateful.  It's crazy ridiculous hard.  It's hard to trust that God can do it. That he can fill your love tank and emotional cup, even though you've witnessed him doing it 1000 times first hand.  It's hard to release expectations from people. To quote Will Reagan, it's hard to "climb this mountain with my hands wide open."

I was telling someone the other night that most of the time I feel as though everything about me is intrinsically wrong.  The way I think, work, dream, love, etc is wrong.  Never good enough.

I know many of you won't believe me but this isn't depression talking.  I'm not depressed.  Life is hard. There are spiritual, emotional, supernatural battles that we face daily.  The "working out our salvation" process is real and painful.  Life makes me realize I need Jesus, every moment of every day.  Just like I do with the love of God, I often have to choose to believe daily that people love me.  Even though their actions are not as I would like them to be.  I will believe my family loves me and my friends love me because 1) I am worth being loved and 2) because they say so and attempt to show it in their own way.

Ok. so that's it.  You have 10 days till I turn 39.  You can do whatever you want to do.  I am surrendering it all to God and trusting that he will work it all out.  ...

PS.  You think this was dramatic....just wait till next year when I turn 40!