Tell me if I'm wrong grammatically.
This relationship has me in a paradox of emotions.
These emotions are paradoxic.
I'm feeling quite paradoxical today.
I am a paradoxic prophet.
Clearly the reason I've written this is because I see that my blogs title may be grammatically incorrect. Why has no one pointed this out to me as of yet.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
forgiveness
Was taught a new meaning of forgiveness today. So imagine someone does something that hurts you. They owe you a debt. Unforgiveness is wanting them to repay a debt they can never repay. Forgiveness is realizing that Jesus paid all of our debts. So you take the debt that someone owes you and give it to him to repay. Someone stole your peace/joy/innocence/trust, let Jesus repay you with a double portion.
This new revelation came in very handy. I seem to be faced daily with a choice to forgive. So if you'll bare with me, I think this blog is really going to be a letter to Jesus asking him to repay me for somethings that have been stolen.
Jesus, I bring to you today these debts that are owed to me and I ask that you repay me what was stolen. Many years ago, my innocence was stolen, Jesus will you give me a double portion of innocence back. Throughout the years people in various shapes and sizes have rejected me for various reasons. This was them stealing my sense of belonging, my ability to trust, my sense of connectedness. Jesus will you restore what was stolen from me. Jesus, my sense of self worth was stolen from me many years ago. Will you restore to me my sense of self worth. Will you forgive me for the times that I tried to create a worth in my own right, outside of you? Jesus, many years ago I trusted you fully and completely. Different times of pain in my life have stolen the trust that I once gave to you. Will you restore my ability to trust you completely. Jesus, I have had relationships stolen from me that were very dear to me. Will you restore these relationships to me? Jesus, will you restore my faith that was stolen from me. Jesus, I've carried around shame for years like a parting gift. Will you take it from me and replace it with a sense of honor that only you can give? Jesus, my reputation has been stolen from me. Will you restore it, so that I can rightfully give it back to you? Jesus, as of late several people have hurt me deeply by not choosing to value me like you do. In a way, they are stealing my value. Will you restore my value to my friends. I admittedly don't know if I'm doing this right. All I know to do is to come to you with my hurt and ask you to fix it. I don't even know at this moment what has been fully stolen as of late. I know my ability to trust people at face value is gone. Each time crisis happens, I feel as though my peace, joy and security are stolen. Will you restore my ability to trust, be at peace, be joyful and feel secure.
Jesus, I release all the people who have stolen from me over the years from their false responsibility to repay me.
Jesus, more than ever in my life, I want you to be my all in all. Help me let go of the lies and the false security systems and trust you more and more completely.
This new revelation came in very handy. I seem to be faced daily with a choice to forgive. So if you'll bare with me, I think this blog is really going to be a letter to Jesus asking him to repay me for somethings that have been stolen.
Jesus, I bring to you today these debts that are owed to me and I ask that you repay me what was stolen. Many years ago, my innocence was stolen, Jesus will you give me a double portion of innocence back. Throughout the years people in various shapes and sizes have rejected me for various reasons. This was them stealing my sense of belonging, my ability to trust, my sense of connectedness. Jesus will you restore what was stolen from me. Jesus, my sense of self worth was stolen from me many years ago. Will you restore to me my sense of self worth. Will you forgive me for the times that I tried to create a worth in my own right, outside of you? Jesus, many years ago I trusted you fully and completely. Different times of pain in my life have stolen the trust that I once gave to you. Will you restore my ability to trust you completely. Jesus, I have had relationships stolen from me that were very dear to me. Will you restore these relationships to me? Jesus, will you restore my faith that was stolen from me. Jesus, I've carried around shame for years like a parting gift. Will you take it from me and replace it with a sense of honor that only you can give? Jesus, my reputation has been stolen from me. Will you restore it, so that I can rightfully give it back to you? Jesus, as of late several people have hurt me deeply by not choosing to value me like you do. In a way, they are stealing my value. Will you restore my value to my friends. I admittedly don't know if I'm doing this right. All I know to do is to come to you with my hurt and ask you to fix it. I don't even know at this moment what has been fully stolen as of late. I know my ability to trust people at face value is gone. Each time crisis happens, I feel as though my peace, joy and security are stolen. Will you restore my ability to trust, be at peace, be joyful and feel secure.
Jesus, I release all the people who have stolen from me over the years from their false responsibility to repay me.
Jesus, more than ever in my life, I want you to be my all in all. Help me let go of the lies and the false security systems and trust you more and more completely.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
God's Abundance
I love this book. I gave it to Cole several years ago because he was a new dad. There's a chapter in it on how to be a father to girls. It's soooooo good. It's in some ways a condensed version of what he says in 'Wild at Heart
' or 'Captivating
', but in other ways it's much more refined and applicable.
I guess I have been thinking about the heart of girls because of the whole Girls Gone Wild event in Lubbock last night. Some friends and I decided to go out last night, and we went to Moose Magoo's. They too were have a night focusing on boobs, but in a different manner. They were having a concert for Breast Cancer. Could have been an amazing event with just a bit better advertising and a lower cover charge. $15 is expensive. I wouldn't have paid that much to see Billy Idol or other vague yet definitely better well known artist.
Tonight, I've been listening to an audio-book by Craig Gross. Craig is on the leadership team at XXX Church.com. Craig has written several books, which I hear are amazing and I hope to read someday. Craig's church deals specifically with the issue of pornography and sexual addiction.
I wish I had had the time this morning to take a picture. In the parking lot of the Buddy Holly Center, next to Bash Riprocks where the GGW event was held, this afternoon laid a single high heeled shoe, alone in the parking lot. I feel like that summed up the night quite well. I guess the reason I get so passionate about all this stuff is because I have felt used and abused sexually most of my life. At least 24 of 35 years has had some effects be they overt or subvert. (Is that the proper use of subvert?)
So I get it. I get what happens to women when they have been violated by incest and rape. I get it when women are convinced that their only value is in their sexual ability. I get how pornography is addicting. I get how once you give in to one perversion, the rest tumble down like an avalanche. I get it. And it makes me angry. It's so not of God. It is the antithesis of his heart cry. For women and for men. There is so much more.
I wish I had the money to make some t-shirts. I did a quiz amongst my friends to see what kind of t-shirt they would make if they were protesting GGW. There were some great ones.
Mia: "Oh yeah!! Shake what your mama gave ya...cause your brother and daddy are probably watchin" :)
Michaela: Self esteem has got me COVERED!
Shaun: "Girls Gone Wild" Advertising Inevitable date rape victims since 1998!
Melissa: real men flash a ring first
and Beth: "my boobs look better with my shirt on".
And on a slightly different yet not to far off note, I think I have to also add to this weird ness, that I can't help but keep thinking of El Shaddai yesterday and today. Some people may be surprised to know that one of the meanings for El Shaddai is "the many breasted one" or "all sufficient one." To quote the wikipedia article linked in the previous sentence, "It is often paraphrased in English translations as "Almighty" although this is an interpretive element. The name then refers to the pre-Mosaic patriarchal understanding of deity as "God who is sufficient." God is sufficient, that is, to supply all of one's needs, and therefore by derivation "almighty". It may also be understood as an allusion to the singularity of deity, "El", as opposed to "Elohim" (plural), being sufficient or enough for the early patriarchs of Judaism. To this was latter added the Mosaic conception of the tetragrammaton YHWH, meaning a God who is sufficient in Himself, that is, a self-determined eternal Being qua Being, for whom limited descriptive names cannot apply. This may have been the meaning the Hebrew phrase "ehyeh asher ehyeh" (which translates roughly as "I will be that which I will be") and which is how God describes himself to Moses cf. Exodus 3:13-15. This phrase can be applied to the tetragrammaton YHWH, which can be understood as an anagram for the three States of Being: past, present and future, conjoined with the conjunctive Hebrew letter.
So in Lubbock, TX on June 12th of 2010, we have both the GGW and a Breast Cancer event, and God reminds me that he is known as the many breasted one, the all sufficient one. It is my prayer that these girls and men, would know deeply the God who has the power, grace, love and desire to supply all their needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and financially. The mother heart of God longs to draw her children to her and cover them with her wings so that they can nurse and trust and be satiated.
I would be completely remiss, if in this blog I didn't mention Amy Grant's song El Shaddai from the 80's.
' or 'Captivating', but in other ways it's much more refined and applicable.I guess I have been thinking about the heart of girls because of the whole Girls Gone Wild event in Lubbock last night. Some friends and I decided to go out last night, and we went to Moose Magoo's. They too were have a night focusing on boobs, but in a different manner. They were having a concert for Breast Cancer. Could have been an amazing event with just a bit better advertising and a lower cover charge. $15 is expensive. I wouldn't have paid that much to see Billy Idol or other vague yet definitely better well known artist.
Tonight, I've been listening to an audio-book by Craig Gross. Craig is on the leadership team at XXX Church.com. Craig has written several books, which I hear are amazing and I hope to read someday. Craig's church deals specifically with the issue of pornography and sexual addiction.
I wish I had had the time this morning to take a picture. In the parking lot of the Buddy Holly Center, next to Bash Riprocks where the GGW event was held, this afternoon laid a single high heeled shoe, alone in the parking lot. I feel like that summed up the night quite well. I guess the reason I get so passionate about all this stuff is because I have felt used and abused sexually most of my life. At least 24 of 35 years has had some effects be they overt or subvert. (Is that the proper use of subvert?)
So I get it. I get what happens to women when they have been violated by incest and rape. I get it when women are convinced that their only value is in their sexual ability. I get how pornography is addicting. I get how once you give in to one perversion, the rest tumble down like an avalanche. I get it. And it makes me angry. It's so not of God. It is the antithesis of his heart cry. For women and for men. There is so much more.
I wish I had the money to make some t-shirts. I did a quiz amongst my friends to see what kind of t-shirt they would make if they were protesting GGW. There were some great ones.
Mia: "Oh yeah!! Shake what your mama gave ya...cause your brother and daddy are probably watchin" :)
Michaela: Self esteem has got me COVERED!
Shaun: "Girls Gone Wild" Advertising Inevitable date rape victims since 1998!
Melissa: real men flash a ring first
and Beth: "my boobs look better with my shirt on".
And on a slightly different yet not to far off note, I think I have to also add to this weird ness, that I can't help but keep thinking of El Shaddai yesterday and today. Some people may be surprised to know that one of the meanings for El Shaddai is "the many breasted one" or "all sufficient one." To quote the wikipedia article linked in the previous sentence, "It is often paraphrased in English translations as "Almighty" although this is an interpretive element. The name then refers to the pre-Mosaic patriarchal understanding of deity as "God who is sufficient." God is sufficient, that is, to supply all of one's needs, and therefore by derivation "almighty". It may also be understood as an allusion to the singularity of deity, "El", as opposed to "Elohim" (plural), being sufficient or enough for the early patriarchs of Judaism. To this was latter added the Mosaic conception of the tetragrammaton YHWH, meaning a God who is sufficient in Himself, that is, a self-determined eternal Being qua Being, for whom limited descriptive names cannot apply. This may have been the meaning the Hebrew phrase "ehyeh asher ehyeh" (which translates roughly as "I will be that which I will be") and which is how God describes himself to Moses cf. Exodus 3:13-15. This phrase can be applied to the tetragrammaton YHWH, which can be understood as an anagram for the three States of Being: past, present and future, conjoined with the conjunctive Hebrew letter.
So in Lubbock, TX on June 12th of 2010, we have both the GGW and a Breast Cancer event, and God reminds me that he is known as the many breasted one, the all sufficient one. It is my prayer that these girls and men, would know deeply the God who has the power, grace, love and desire to supply all their needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and financially. The mother heart of God longs to draw her children to her and cover them with her wings so that they can nurse and trust and be satiated.
I would be completely remiss, if in this blog I didn't mention Amy Grant's song El Shaddai from the 80's.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Righteousness and Justice are the foundations of His throne
Our society is morally bankrupt. The value of a human life has been degraded to nothing through the things like porn/soft-porn of GGW (Girls Gone Wild),sex traficking and abortion. It all goes together. What we don't understand is that it is like a butterfly effect. One girl flashes her tata's in Lubbock (igniting or fanning the flame of lust in men, a guy in Minnesota buys the video, a guy in Asia kidnaps women and sells them into prostitution, she gets pregnant and is forced to abort. Women are then devalued and feel like the only thing ... valuable about them is their tata's and they start the whole cycle all over again. We need to bring back modesty, human dignity, and value each other because of our inherent value as God's children! Their are haters out there who would say that I'm old fashioned or unfit to talk about this cause I'm fat. But that just proves my point. My value is not in my size 2 or 22 jeans. This is a justice issue at it's core. We must fight for justice in the area of entertainment. ***stepping off soap box now*** :)
The text above is all a quote from my post on facebook yesterday. As I was typing it I was reminded of a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out about the lack of Justice in a the TV show Glee. Now I love me some Glee and feel like it's on par for today's level of morality in America. You've got a token teenage pregnancy, a token gay/sexually confused boy, the vain cheerleaders, etc. In a recent episode, we find Kurt (the sexually confused boy) exploring the idea of redecorating his room to bring in a possible step brother, Finn (the all american boy), whom Kurt has a crush on. Finn repsonded to this situation horribly and made many crude remarks of anti-gay sentiments. Finn was rightly condemned (and I use that word lightly) for being a jerk. The problem though was the show did not adequately convey that Finn was not the only one in the wrong. If you are heterosexual and are put in a situation where you have to share a room with a homosexual that has a crush on you, it's gonna be awkward. For some reason this show felt like it wasn't ok to show that. While Kurt's feelings were glorified because he was being rejected, Finn's feelings were completely ignored. The lack of justice in this issue had me quite frusterated.
So it is with these two issues Girls Gone Wild and Glee, that I find myself being really frustrated by the lack of justice in entertainment. I've gotten quite used to the lack of morality and have reduced the amount of crap that I will watch because of it. But the lack of justice is fire to my rocket. I get hot over that issue. I guess I will always fight for the underdog.
The text above is all a quote from my post on facebook yesterday. As I was typing it I was reminded of a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out about the lack of Justice in a the TV show Glee. Now I love me some Glee and feel like it's on par for today's level of morality in America. You've got a token teenage pregnancy, a token gay/sexually confused boy, the vain cheerleaders, etc. In a recent episode, we find Kurt (the sexually confused boy) exploring the idea of redecorating his room to bring in a possible step brother, Finn (the all american boy), whom Kurt has a crush on. Finn repsonded to this situation horribly and made many crude remarks of anti-gay sentiments. Finn was rightly condemned (and I use that word lightly) for being a jerk. The problem though was the show did not adequately convey that Finn was not the only one in the wrong. If you are heterosexual and are put in a situation where you have to share a room with a homosexual that has a crush on you, it's gonna be awkward. For some reason this show felt like it wasn't ok to show that. While Kurt's feelings were glorified because he was being rejected, Finn's feelings were completely ignored. The lack of justice in this issue had me quite frusterated.
So it is with these two issues Girls Gone Wild and Glee, that I find myself being really frustrated by the lack of justice in entertainment. I've gotten quite used to the lack of morality and have reduced the amount of crap that I will watch because of it. But the lack of justice is fire to my rocket. I get hot over that issue. I guess I will always fight for the underdog.
frugality part deux
So I printed off some coupons yesterday and went to the store. I bought some things that I wouldn't normally but wouldn't mind buying. I feel like my great deal of the day was 3 Lean Cuisine pizza's for $4. I would say in all I saved about $10.
Today I'm going to head to Walgreens and CVS and pick up some purchases there.
Living frugally emotionally is different though, at least for me.
I have to say that when a new friend (woman) comes into my life, it is easy to take it as it is and not hope or dream of us being the bestest of friends. I have grace for the situation and will let that chemistry develop naturally. However if that friend is a man, it becomes a very different story. I feel like that deep void in my heart that longs to be loved is like this ugly monster that comes out when a man comes around. I've really been wrestling with that, and keep talking to God about it. He's told me in no uncertain terms to just take things one day at a time and be prepared to take this relationship on a ride down the long haul. I feel like that is good advise for both my boy friend and for myself. I think we both need the time to develop friendship and trust with each other before we take it further. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, it's just easier to take things to a physical level and avoid the emotional stuff. That's so true, and so deadly. As I continue to engage God and bring Him into my day to day and process these fears and hopes, I find I want to avoid the emotions a whole lot (ie make out). Deep inside my heart though I know that I'd be robbing myself and him of something beautiful down the line.
After having a 20+ year relationship with my high school friend, and going through the emotional roller coaster there in, I swore to myself I would never have just another 'guy friend.' It's painful. It's painful to develop emotional intimacy and not have it progress to the next level of relationship. Of course in the ever popular 'When Harry met Sally' we grapple with whether or not men and women could actually be friends. I know he and I have certainly had our struggles in that area. Or rather, I have struggled in that area. I found myself being attracted to him in our early 20's and again was so desperate to be loved that I put us both into very compromising situations. Some boundaries were crossed, but by the grace of God we were able to maintain our friendship. Now, we have an incredible relationship and a deep intimacy that doesn't allow for hiding things. Such a relationship is hard to maintain and I have found myself being very jealous when he starts dating someone. Deep down though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would annoy the hell out of each other if we had to live together. We may end up in the same nursing home harassing each other in 60 years, but that's a long time from now.
He and I have discussed that men and women have different currencies by which we are paid (get charged up) and pay out (charge up someone else). Men have a physical currency and women have an emotional currency. I think this is where the trouble between male-female friendships really exists. Friendships by nature deal in an emotional currency. There is another very important component within this mix though, and that is that ultimately the way men and women are designed is to progress in intimacy. So women typically have to be wooed emotionally before they'll give themselves physically to a man, and many men find it easier to be emotionally intimate after their physical needs have been met. So for women the emotional stuff automatically leads to a desire to merge. When a man is emotional though, they don't have the natural instinct to follow it up with something. It usually is the follow up. Now I may be wrong, and am eager to have any man share his thoughts with me.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's "easy" to draw boundaries for physical intimacy outside of marriage, but it is very difficult to draw boundaries for emotional areas. My friend now makes a lot of awkward sexual jokes and inneuendos when he's with me. I feel like that type of conversation is really meant to be only between 'the guys' or between people with an expressed intention on someday fulfiling those sexual promises. But sexual jokes between men and women who are just friends is inappropriate. It certainly does not make me feel like a lady. It detracts from my value. I deserve to be cherished and protected. Of course in 2010, it's pretty hard to find someone who won't laugh at an innuendo. So I laugh, because I'm not sure how to communicate to him that I don't like it without hurting his feelings. Plus there's all the danged ambiguity in our relationship that makes this so messy.
That's all for now...be blessed!
Today I'm going to head to Walgreens and CVS and pick up some purchases there.
Living frugally emotionally is different though, at least for me.
I have to say that when a new friend (woman) comes into my life, it is easy to take it as it is and not hope or dream of us being the bestest of friends. I have grace for the situation and will let that chemistry develop naturally. However if that friend is a man, it becomes a very different story. I feel like that deep void in my heart that longs to be loved is like this ugly monster that comes out when a man comes around. I've really been wrestling with that, and keep talking to God about it. He's told me in no uncertain terms to just take things one day at a time and be prepared to take this relationship on a ride down the long haul. I feel like that is good advise for both my boy friend and for myself. I think we both need the time to develop friendship and trust with each other before we take it further. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, it's just easier to take things to a physical level and avoid the emotional stuff. That's so true, and so deadly. As I continue to engage God and bring Him into my day to day and process these fears and hopes, I find I want to avoid the emotions a whole lot (ie make out). Deep inside my heart though I know that I'd be robbing myself and him of something beautiful down the line.
After having a 20+ year relationship with my high school friend, and going through the emotional roller coaster there in, I swore to myself I would never have just another 'guy friend.' It's painful. It's painful to develop emotional intimacy and not have it progress to the next level of relationship. Of course in the ever popular 'When Harry met Sally' we grapple with whether or not men and women could actually be friends. I know he and I have certainly had our struggles in that area. Or rather, I have struggled in that area. I found myself being attracted to him in our early 20's and again was so desperate to be loved that I put us both into very compromising situations. Some boundaries were crossed, but by the grace of God we were able to maintain our friendship. Now, we have an incredible relationship and a deep intimacy that doesn't allow for hiding things. Such a relationship is hard to maintain and I have found myself being very jealous when he starts dating someone. Deep down though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would annoy the hell out of each other if we had to live together. We may end up in the same nursing home harassing each other in 60 years, but that's a long time from now.
He and I have discussed that men and women have different currencies by which we are paid (get charged up) and pay out (charge up someone else). Men have a physical currency and women have an emotional currency. I think this is where the trouble between male-female friendships really exists. Friendships by nature deal in an emotional currency. There is another very important component within this mix though, and that is that ultimately the way men and women are designed is to progress in intimacy. So women typically have to be wooed emotionally before they'll give themselves physically to a man, and many men find it easier to be emotionally intimate after their physical needs have been met. So for women the emotional stuff automatically leads to a desire to merge. When a man is emotional though, they don't have the natural instinct to follow it up with something. It usually is the follow up. Now I may be wrong, and am eager to have any man share his thoughts with me.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's "easy" to draw boundaries for physical intimacy outside of marriage, but it is very difficult to draw boundaries for emotional areas. My friend now makes a lot of awkward sexual jokes and inneuendos when he's with me. I feel like that type of conversation is really meant to be only between 'the guys' or between people with an expressed intention on someday fulfiling those sexual promises. But sexual jokes between men and women who are just friends is inappropriate. It certainly does not make me feel like a lady. It detracts from my value. I deserve to be cherished and protected. Of course in 2010, it's pretty hard to find someone who won't laugh at an innuendo. So I laugh, because I'm not sure how to communicate to him that I don't like it without hurting his feelings. Plus there's all the danged ambiguity in our relationship that makes this so messy.
That's all for now...be blessed!
Friday, June 11, 2010
frugal living: financially, emotionally and spiritually
I had some really brililant words typed out earlier, and then the internet crashed....so now I'm bitter and wordless.
The basic idea is that I am going to attempt to live on a budget and save some money buy couponing and getting things free. I'm learning how to live frugally by following the following blogs: The Rapt Northerner and Money Saving Mom.
I'm going to attempt to do couponing. My budget has been cut significantly by taking a minimum wage job of which I only work part time, while also switching to a major university where tuition costs are much higher. In the past I've been able to use the excess from grants and loans to pay some bills, but that will not be the cast next semester. So in anticipation of my purse being a bit tighter and in general just some preperation for all things that may lie ahead I feel like now is a good time to put some Prov 31 skills into action.
So here I go.
I'll let you know how it goes. I think the hardest part for me is going to be the forethought necessary to live this way as well as the discipline that comes with living a budgeted life. I'm treating this as a spiritual discipline though, and asking God to encounter me in this change. If you haven't ever heard of spiritual disciplines, I highly recommend Richard Foster's book "Celebration of Discipline". Another good one is "The Spirit of Disciplines" by Dallas Willard.
As I hinted at earlier, I believe the seasons are changing in my life and I am trying to adjust to all the new things going on in my world. I have found myself on a rollercoaster of emotions recently as I'm engaging in a slightly deeper friendship with a good guy friend. There is a significant amount of ambiguity going on, and I am quite sure I have felt every emotion because of said amiguity. This has really become an invitation to trust God in ways that my heart was not quite prepared to trust him. Learning to discern the difference between my hopes, expectations, God's will, and what things are ok to settle on and not feel cheated has been quite challenging. Needless to say, it has brought up fear, insecurities and old wounds that I was not prepared to deal with on this occasion. I tie this in with my decision to change my finances around because I believe the idea of living frugally is a way of stewarding what God has given you. We are called to steward our finances, which I think most people would understand. I think though, and maybe I'm crazy, that especially in the friendship/dating process there is a certain amount of stewarding our love and emotions so as not to spend them foolishly. I'm a lover. Always have been. I love people wholly and quickly. I have lived a life of putting the cart before the horse, and feel like I'm now seeing how strenous that is on a Godly relationship.
I have more thoughts, but I am about to get off work, so I must close and continue this later.
More frugal thoughts coming soon, until then be blessed!
The basic idea is that I am going to attempt to live on a budget and save some money buy couponing and getting things free. I'm learning how to live frugally by following the following blogs: The Rapt Northerner and Money Saving Mom.
I'm going to attempt to do couponing. My budget has been cut significantly by taking a minimum wage job of which I only work part time, while also switching to a major university where tuition costs are much higher. In the past I've been able to use the excess from grants and loans to pay some bills, but that will not be the cast next semester. So in anticipation of my purse being a bit tighter and in general just some preperation for all things that may lie ahead I feel like now is a good time to put some Prov 31 skills into action.
So here I go.
I'll let you know how it goes. I think the hardest part for me is going to be the forethought necessary to live this way as well as the discipline that comes with living a budgeted life. I'm treating this as a spiritual discipline though, and asking God to encounter me in this change. If you haven't ever heard of spiritual disciplines, I highly recommend Richard Foster's book "Celebration of Discipline". Another good one is "The Spirit of Disciplines" by Dallas Willard.
As I hinted at earlier, I believe the seasons are changing in my life and I am trying to adjust to all the new things going on in my world. I have found myself on a rollercoaster of emotions recently as I'm engaging in a slightly deeper friendship with a good guy friend. There is a significant amount of ambiguity going on, and I am quite sure I have felt every emotion because of said amiguity. This has really become an invitation to trust God in ways that my heart was not quite prepared to trust him. Learning to discern the difference between my hopes, expectations, God's will, and what things are ok to settle on and not feel cheated has been quite challenging. Needless to say, it has brought up fear, insecurities and old wounds that I was not prepared to deal with on this occasion. I tie this in with my decision to change my finances around because I believe the idea of living frugally is a way of stewarding what God has given you. We are called to steward our finances, which I think most people would understand. I think though, and maybe I'm crazy, that especially in the friendship/dating process there is a certain amount of stewarding our love and emotions so as not to spend them foolishly. I'm a lover. Always have been. I love people wholly and quickly. I have lived a life of putting the cart before the horse, and feel like I'm now seeing how strenous that is on a Godly relationship.
I have more thoughts, but I am about to get off work, so I must close and continue this later.
More frugal thoughts coming soon, until then be blessed!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
tension
It is hard to trust God when your dignity is at stake. It is hard to trust that He has your good in mind, when the only possible outcome is humiliation. It's hard to dream, to hold onto His promises, to believe... when the enemy comes and lies and says that God is a trickster. It reminds me of the words my friend Wendy Andrews wrote,
"A servant of the Lord visited them one day, when they “were old, advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing,” and he spoke to them a confirmation of the Promise’s arrival: “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife will have a son.” And Sarah, listening in at the door of the tent, “laughed to herself” at the relaying of these words.
I know that laugh. It’s a little sarcastic and a tiny bit bitter. It’s self-protective, because it’s a lot safer to shrug off words whose reception would have to mean hope in what’s still unseen. If she chooses to believe but is wrong in the end, then she looks like an utter fool, and maybe worse yet, feels like onel. Her laugh is a little hopeless and despairing but not too far down that road, because living there for too long becomes completely unbearable. It’s so much easier to live a little dead, just coasting, pretty much along for the ride. The Lord said to Abraham, Sarah’s husband, “Why did Sarah laugh, “saying, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?’
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”
Oh, these words pierce my heart. It’s a rhetorical question asked by the Creator and Author and Main Character in the Story whose End is quite settled. “Then the Lord took note of Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.” In this fulfillment of a 25-year Promise, God kindly watered Sarah’s a-little-bit-hardened-hear
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”
I don’t believe so. My head doesn’t believe so, I mean. My heart might disagree. That’s okay, though, because He has never been intimidated by what I can see with my eyes. He is very good at convincing me at the deepest level that He is kind and loving, not a trickster, that He is indeed taking note of me as He had said."
I want so badly to defend my honor, to speak plainly and definitively about my intentions, to reaffirm that it is my job to follow the leader of this dance but I cannot. I must remain in the tension, for to assert myself would be to force the issue of promise and I don't want to end up with an Ishamel in this situation.
Lord help me to trust you!
"A servant of the Lord visited them one day, when they “were old, advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing,” and he spoke to them a confirmation of the Promise’s arrival: “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife will have a son.” And Sarah, listening in at the door of the tent, “laughed to herself” at the relaying of these words.
I know that laugh. It’s a little sarcastic and a tiny bit bitter. It’s self-protective, because it’s a lot safer to shrug off words whose reception would have to mean hope in what’s still unseen. If she chooses to believe but is wrong in the end, then she looks like an utter fool, and maybe worse yet, feels like onel. Her laugh is a little hopeless and despairing but not too far down that road, because living there for too long becomes completely unbearable. It’s so much easier to live a little dead, just coasting, pretty much along for the ride. The Lord said to Abraham, Sarah’s husband, “Why did Sarah laugh, “saying, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?’
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”
Oh, these words pierce my heart. It’s a rhetorical question asked by the Creator and Author and Main Character in the Story whose End is quite settled. “Then the Lord took note of Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.” In this fulfillment of a 25-year Promise, God kindly watered Sarah’s a-little-bit-hardened-hear
“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”
I don’t believe so. My head doesn’t believe so, I mean. My heart might disagree. That’s okay, though, because He has never been intimidated by what I can see with my eyes. He is very good at convincing me at the deepest level that He is kind and loving, not a trickster, that He is indeed taking note of me as He had said."
I want so badly to defend my honor, to speak plainly and definitively about my intentions, to reaffirm that it is my job to follow the leader of this dance but I cannot. I must remain in the tension, for to assert myself would be to force the issue of promise and I don't want to end up with an Ishamel in this situation.
Lord help me to trust you!
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