Monday, April 13, 2015

Raining and Reigning

Several months ago, I was introduced to Graham Cooke's interactive journal, "The Crafted Prayer."  I rushed through it and began my first crafted prayer.  Basically Graham has you ask God what is your inheritance, and then you listen for the word or promise, and then begin meditating on some scriptures about the said promise.  My word was goodness.

I began to meditate on Psalm 27:13, Psalm 25:7, Exodus 33:19, Jeremiah 31:4, and Hosea 3:5 (this one was not an initial verse, but came later through a conversation with a friend).

So I asked a normal question:  What does your goodness mean?

  • Jesus remembering NOT the sins of my youth
  •  Goods/property
  • Fairness/beauty/joy/prosperity
  • Goodness of taste/discernment
  • Goodness of intelligence/goodness of understanding
  • The kindness of God
  • That which is good or best of any
  • Hiddenness/protection (in the cleft of the rock)
  •  Refuge
  • A warning of the Lord about an upcoming attack, that God has in his control and will display his goodness in. He is trustworthy.
  • A response to seeking. Both Moses and David earnestly were seeking the Lord
  • Grace in the wilderness
  • Rest
  • Causing dancing of merriness
  • Something that is so overwhelming we tremble with awe before the Lord
  • Plant and taste your harvest
  • Regathering of those scattered
  • No more sorrow
  • Mourning changed to joy
  • Priests shall have fatness/favor/full bellies/well nourished/smooth roads
  • Satisfied
  • Rewarded for your work
  • Children will return to their proper borders
  • A habitation of justice
  •  A mountain of holiness
  •  Replenished

So now what?  What do I do with this information?  So many times we attribute God's goodness to circumstantial changes in our lives (i.e. raises, promotions, proposals, etc).  Is God's goodness for real or is it just another way that the health and prosperity gospel has portrayed a truth about God's character. What I mean is, I know God is good because the Bible says he is good but I also believe different theologies change what that goodness means or is translated to in our daily lives. 

The next part of the journal suggests that if God is telling you that this is your inheritance, then we must believe that he in interceding for you about this issue. So what would those prayers sound like? If you could hear God praying for you, what would he say?  

This is what I felt like I heard the Lord praying over me: 

I pray Father that you would be merciful to Jill because of Your goodness and mercy, because of the blood I shed. I pray that her sins would be forgotten. I pray that her identity would not be embedded any longer in the sins of her youth, but that she would stand firmly in her identity as a daughter of the King.

I pray that Jill would have the Spirit of Wisdom and Knowledge, the Spirit of Revelation, the Spirit of Discernment to know and be able to judge rightly. I pray that the eyes of her heart would be enlightened and that she would know the height, width, depth and breadth of our love for her. I pray that she would know that if we are for her, who can be against her. I pray that her imagination would be captivated with the imagery of the delight and smile on your face towards her, Father. I pray that she would be confident of our affections towards her.

I pray that she will know how to be hidden in me, in the cleft of the Rock. I pray that she will know what the atonement means and how she is covered. I pray that in the face of accusation, she will respond with mercy and grace knowing that her sins have been forgiven and forgotten. I pray that she will respond out of her identity, not out of defensiveness. I pray that she will trust me and know that I am her defender and advocate. I am her reward. I pray that she will completely trust her life into my hands, knowing that I am for her and not against her. I pray that she will know that I have good plans for her. I pray that she will know that I have established her and given her a seat at the banqueting table in the presence of her enemies. I pray that when her enemies arise, that she will feast on my goodness. I pray that she will choose to exalt my name and worship me, for when that happens, my enemies (and hers by default) will scatter. 

Ok, so that's kind of cool. 

Today I was thinking about the rain in Lubbock. Lubbock is a farming community and because we get so little rain, the city never developed a drain system to catch the rain.  So anytime it rains, the streets are flooded. The ground doesn't know how to receive the rain fast enough. 

I feel like that's where my heart is at with God.  I feel like the smallest amount of goodness is so overwhelming to me that it causes me to shut down. I need a drainage system. I want to be able to contain and store up his goodness in my life. I feel there is more coming, and I don't want to miss out on any of it because I can't receive it. God I pray that you would create in me a clean heart that has a very deep drainage and storage system so I can contain and hold your goodness. Amen. I don't even know if that's a correct prayer. 

I was listening to my friend Wendy share about this subject this morning.  I highly encourage you listen to it. Just click on her name and it will take you to a place where you can listen to her share about her journey of wrestling with God over promises he made, and her realization of what His goodness really means.  

At the end she begins to discuss the things that kept her from fully knowing the goodness and love of God.  

I think my two biggest issues are 1) I don't believe I deserve his goodness. Which means that I'm not walking in my new identity. My former self before Christ didn't deserve His goodness. I deserved death. However, the fact that I have chosen to identify with Christ means that I am hidden in Him and a new creation. I just don't walk in that reality everyday. It's like I forget and have to remind myself all over again.  The second thing that I struggle with is that somehow I have believed that there is something more Holy or valid or something about sharing in the sufferings of Christ then being blessed by him.  I don't know how to explain it but it's kind of like an woman who has been in abusive relationships her whole life has a hard time receiving love. The wires are just crossed and the re-wiring process is fairly painful.  

All of that being said,  I do believe that God can re-wire my brain and I can practice living in the reality of deserving his affections/goodness because I am a new creation.  That's what I long for. I want to figure this out. I want to know that I know that I know that His goodness is for me and it is lavish and more than I could ever imagine.  Whether that comes through raises, promotions or marriage proposals, I don't know or care.  Sure, I want those things but they are absolutely nothing compared to being fulfilled by him, in him and through him. 

That's my desire for this season.  So I join Jesus in praying that I will come to realize what His goodness looks like in my life.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015: welcoming a fresh start

God, thanks for letting me see another new year. Thank you for being faithful through all the good and all the hard times this last year. Thank you for being with me every step of the way, for never leaving me or forsaking me. Thank you for always loving me and forgiving me, for being patient with me, for being slow to anger and quick to love. Thank you for your steadfast mercies which are new every morning. Thank you for being bigger than my failure, for choosing to use me even though I am weak and broken. Thank you for having a bigger picture for me than what my limited vision can see. Thank you for believing I can be more and do more than I know or believe about myself. Thank you for relentlessly pursuing my heart and the destiny you have called me to. Thank you for loving my family and fighting for them even when I forget or don't care to fight. Thank you for being a healer! Thank you for always being faithful to provide. Forgive me for being small minded, partnering with fear, doubt, lack, and anything else that is anti-Kingdom. 

God forgive me for not stewarding things well, then responding out of fear and then making choices that usher in negative consequences. I ask that you baptize me with a greater measure of the fear of the Lord, and that Holy Spirit will give me strength to choose discipline so that I will be a good steward of the gifts you have given me. God I plead the blood of Jesus over my life and I ask that you destroy any strongholds of the enemy in my life that are connected to finances and intimacy. God I ask that you will usher me into greater revelation and freedom of finances and love this year. God I believe that there was a destiny that you had for me almost 20 years ago. I believe the enemy set me up and I made sinful choices that resulted in another walk in the wilderness. God I ask that this year will be the year that I see the promised land. God but before I do, I ask that you will finish the work of building the really strong foundation of character so that I can withstand the temptations of the devil. 

God I ask that you would mark this year with intimacy with you that is mind blowing, life transforming, and foundation shaking. I ask that you would break through in all the places I have said no to you in the past and cause there to be no more no's in my heart. God I ask that you would give me new vision for creating a house of prayer at Texas Tech. God I ask that you would grip my life in such a way that I cannot live outside of your presence. God I pray that you would begin to move in signs and wonders at Texas Tech. I pray that you would teach me and show me how to create an environment where there is an expectation that you will show up. 

God I pray that this year I would begin to see myself the way you see me. I pray that you would forgive me from all the times I have argued with you about who I am. I want to see through your eyes. Not only myself it others. God I pray that this year we would see honor birthed at Texas Tech. That no longer would we have to strive for honor but it would be tangible everywhere we go. I ask that you would grip the hearts of the college pastors and you would create in them a desire for unity and prayer like never before. God I ask that you would give me strength to choose you. 

I declare that 2015 is going to be a year of prosperity, favor, intimacy, divine health, restoration, unity, revival, hope, a centering and a streamlining of priorities, a bullet train that is focused and swift like an arrow, all hindrances will be thrown off, there will be great advances for the Kingdom of God and in my life personally. I declare breakthrough and freedom from past bandages, shackles will fall off during worship. I declare liberty and liberality in the Lord this year. I declare in the name of Jesus that the warfare in the 2nd heaven that has successfully halted, delayed, or disrupted the plans of God over my life in the past will cease in 2015. I declare that there will be free flowing channels, open heavens, clarity of hearing and vision, and the weighty kabod glory of God hovering over me every day in 2015. 

Jesus I declare that you are worthy and there is none like you! I pray that you will receive the reward of your suffering at Texas Tech. May your Kingdom come and your will be done at Texas Tech as it is in heaven. 

Jesus you are beautiful. Thank you for dying on the cross for me. Holy Spirit forgive me for anytime I have quenched you.  Please flow freely in my life. Father thank you for wanting relationship with me and being faithful to make me a pure and spotless bride for your son. 

May the name of Jesus be magnified and glorified in 2015 in all peoples of the earth. Amen!

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Exegesis on Philippians 2:12-13

In literary criticism, there is a debate on whether meaning is imbued by the author or by the reader. Whether the meaning of any particular text is subjective or not is not necessarily the point, but for the sake of argument, in this exegesis we will explore a variety of facets which potentially shape the meaning of the text. To effectively exegete this text, we must look at what Paul had in mind when he wrote the letter to the Philippian church. Thus, we must look at the context surrounding Paul personally, the political/cultural context in Philippi, and compare those findings with other writings which are attributed to Paul.
The city of Philippi was located in the north eastern corner of Macedonia. It is named after the father of Alexander the Great, Philip II of Macedon. In 168 BCE, Philippi became part of the Roman Empire when the Roman army defeated the Persians. Paul came to Philippi in approximately 49 AD. The official language of the area was Latin, but most people spoke Greek. “The religious life of those in Philippi was marked by very syncretistic practices including the worship of the emperor (Julius, Augustus and Claudius), the Egyptian gods Isis and Serapis, as well as many other deities.”[1] In Acts 16:1-40, we find the record of Paul’s second missionary journey to Macedonia. Paul was not originally planning on going to Macedonia, but Paul had a dream in which a man from Macedonia asked him to come. Paul traveled to Macedonia with Silas and they were imprisoned for casting demons out of the fortune telling slave-girl, thus interrupting her master’s financial gain. During their night in prison, an earthquake broke the foundations of the prison. Believing everyone to have escaped, the jailer was about to end his own life, when Paul and Silas, spoke up and revealed that they were all still there. Paul and Silas’ were then able to explain the Gospel of Christ and usher in salvation for the jailer and his family. Thus, this missionary journey was the birthplace of the church in Philippi. It was also the beginning of a people to whom this letter would eventually be addressed.
            As for authorship of the book of Philippians, most scholars believe that Paul was the author. The writing style is consistent with all other Pauline writings. As for the date of the writing, much of that depends on when and where Paul was imprisoned, as written about in 1:12-26. There are three different possibilities which include Rome, Ephesus and Caesarea. There are Scriptural references which indicate Paul was imprisoned in both Rome and Caesarea. However both of these locales are a significant distance from Philippi, which makes the travel schedule that Paul outlines in Philippians difficult to imagine.  While Ephesus is much closer, making the itinerary much more realistic, there is a substantial lack of evidence to prove that Paul was imprisoned in Ephesus. Most scholars believe that Philippians was written by Paul, while imprisoned in Rome, during 60-62 AD.
            Now that we understand the background of this text, let us look to the text at hand. We see that in the New American Standard Bible, Philippians 2:12-13 is translated,
 “So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
Paul’s consistency in his writings must be our foundation for this exegesis. The context that surrounds verses 12-13 is incredibly important. The ultimate goal of the first chapter in Philippians is to lay a template that reveals Christ as the first son who chose humility and obedience, with Paul following in Christ’s footsteps, and an invitation for the church at Philippi to follow as well. This section begins with a phrase, ‘so then’ which is translated as ‘therefore’ in the ESV. The word therefore, always refers back to a previous principle, in which the author is trying to draw a correlation. In the case of 2:12, it refers back to the hymn about Christ’s obedience and humility in 2:5-11. In this verse Paul is not questioning the churches obedience nor is he issuing a stern command, but rather is applauding them on their behavior.
 “Paul has no misgivings about the Philippian Christian’s obedience: unlike the Corinthians in the situation reflected in 2 Corinthians 10:6, they had always shown obedience, not so much to Paul as to the Lord whose apostle he was.”[2]
By inserting this hymn at this point in his letter to the church in Philippi, Paul is using the song as a literary exclamation point in the middle of his letter. For Paul faith in Christ is, in the end, articulated as obedience to Christ, not in the sense of adhering to the law but of submitting wholly to His lordship. This is the only obedience Paul is concerned with.[3] The significance of this context is its impact upon the following admonition to “work out your salvation.”
One key to understanding verses 2:12-13 is to determine whether Paul directed this command to the congregation or to each person individually. In Philippians: A Greek Student’s Intermediate Reader, Jerry Sumney wrote,
“…the verb and the reflexive pronoun that modify σώτηρίαύ are plural. This shows that the call to live out their salvation is a call to the Philippians as a community and anticipates that the matters to be raised in the following verses involve relations within the community.”[4]
If those modifiers had been singular, the context of this passage would have been altered significantly. Sumney is not alone in recognizing the corporate ramifications in this text. F.F. Bruce also believes in the communal concept of salvation. In the New International Biblical Commentary he writes,
“In this context Paul is not urging each member of the church to keep working at his or her own personal salvation; he is thinking of the health and well-being of the church as a whole. Each of them and all of them together, must pay attention to this.”[5]
Personal salvation is explicitly linked to eternal salvation, whereas corporate salvation is synonymous with sanctification. The term corporate salvation also lends itself to an entire community being transformed into a group of people who fully represent the Kingdom of God, and thereby offer an attractive alternative to the lifestyle of the non believers who are watching and judging the community as a whole. Thus the entire community is preserved or saved together, collectively. Moises Silva wrote, “One must ask, however, how it is that God works in the midst of people if not through their personal transformation.”[6]  Silva believes that Paul is referencing personal salvation but is quick to admit that sanctification comes through community. Thus when we look back at 2:5-11, we see humility, which manifests as dying to self, is a requirement for the sanctification process. Just as Christ was humble and obedient to the point of death, so too should the Philippians choose to walk in humility and obedience. While looking at both sides of the debate on this Scripture are helpful, we cannot fully ascertain the meaning of Paul’s writings until we understand the words that he uses.
To fully understand the nuances of this text, we must further examine it in the original Greek language. The Greek word that is used in Philippians 2:12-13 for salvation is soteria.
“The KJV translates soteria as deliverance, preservation, safety, salvation (i.e. deliverance from the molestation of enemies; in an ethical sense, that which concludes to the soul's safety or salvation; of Messianic salvation; salvation as the present possession of all true Christians; future salvation, the sum of benefits and blessings which the Christians, redeemed from all earthly ills, will enjoy after the visible return of Christ from heaven in the consummated and eternal kingdom of God.)”[7]
Thus salvation can refer to liberation from a person’s current circumstances and also to the future liberation from Hell. Etymologically we are reminded that, in modern times, when an injury occurs it is typical to put an ointment or salve on the wound. In the same way, salvation is an ointment for our souls that brings healing and wholeness. Sin has left our souls broken and damaged and the road to restoration or salvation begins with Jehovah Raphe, The Lord our Healer, applying a salve to our souls and healing those broken places.
“The word ‘salvation’ comes from the same Latin root as ‘salve’, an ointment for healing. To be saved is to be made whole. In Greek the word is soteria, meaning not only salvation, but preservation. While there is a beginning point in our salvation experience, the point of repentance and justification—the time of our faith commitment to Jesus Christ—this is only the beginning. We are to ‘work out’ our salvation, to grow into maturing, into the full stature of Christ.”[8]
Maxie Dunnam, noted that salvation is not so much a onetime experience but more so a progression of experiences that happens in the life of every believer. The theological term for this is “sanctification.” The primary definition for sanctification in Webster’s Dictionary is “to make holy, set apart as sacred or to consecrate,” however, the third definition is to “render legitimate.”[9] Sanctification both legitimizes Christ’s sacrifice on the cross as well as rendering us legitimate to the Father.
When Paul speaks of corporate salvation, he is describing individuals who have experienced a personal salvation and are working it out corporately in the context of family. While the initial salvation encounter is intensely private, the sanctification process is worked out through daily interaction with believers in our community. This conviction finds its goal in deliverance/salvation, which from the beginning of time God has willed and plans to grant. In its implementation God’s work through his sanctifying Spirit is combined with the obedience of the believer as evidenced in 2 Thessalonians 2:13 “God chose you from the beginning for salvation, through sanctification by the Spirit and belief in the truth.”[10] Thus, salvation cannot remain in one category or the other.  It must be embraced in tension.  A strictly personal view of salvation would lead to an immature faith that has never been sharpened in community. Likewise, if salvation were to remain entirely corporate, it would lead to a lack in personal relationship with God.  Neither stream is beneficial or desirable. By staying in the tension, Christians best emulate the nature and character of God who delicately holds the balance between extremes in perfect unison.
“For all that, our dependence on divine activity for sanctification is nowhere made as explicit as here. To begin with, God’s work is viewed as having a causal relation to our working; our activity is possible only because of divine grace. Second the syntax is emphatic: Paul says not merely “God works” but “the one who works the working is God”. Third, the divine influence is said to extend not only to our activity but to our very wills—a unique statement, though the idea is implied in other passages (e.g., John 1:13, Rom. 9:16).”[11]
To further prove this, it is interesting to note that in Philippians 2:12-13, the word ‘work’ is mentioned three separate times. When we juxtapose the phrase “work out your salvation” in Philippians with Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, it would seem contradictory.  In the NASB, Ephesians 2:8-10 is translated as,
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For, we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.”
As was stated earlier, context is incredibly crucial. One must not read v.12 without also reading v.13. Paul goes on to emphasize in v.13, that the working is not man-made effort but the grace of God made manifest in our lives. Silva reinforces this thought by saying,
“For those who admit the soteriological thrust of the passage, the tendency is to define verse 12 by means of verse 13 (or verse 13 by means of verse 12), that is to tone down human activity by appealing to divine grace (or vice versa). One may, for example, so emphasize the truth that God does not force us to act against our will, that as a result grace is restricted to little more than a spiritual aid: “God will help us along, but it’s really up to us.” Conversely, fear of legalism may lead us to a more or less passive understanding of sanctification: “Our responsibility is simply to rest in God’s grace, to let him work in us.” The text itself, by its very juxtaposition of those two emphases, cries out loudly against any such attempts at resolution. And the point here is not merely that both the human and the divine are stressed, but that in one and the same passage, we have what is perhaps the strongest biblical expression of each element.”[12]
While it is very natural for us to be polemic in our response, as Silva so beautifully articulates, we must embrace the tension found in these two verses to achieve the maximum balance and benefit.
The question now remains, what is the biblical application of Philippians 2:12-13? Quite simply, in order to legitimize or manifest the out-workings of your salvation, you must humbly submit to the sanctification process which is found in the context of community. First century Philippians lived in a tribal or familial system. Communities consisted of groups of families that were ruled by the leading patriarch.  Therefore, when hearing a message from Paul in which they were instructed to ‘work out their salvation’, their worldview would mandate the interpretation of this Scripture as ‘salvation comes in the context of community’.  Twenty centuries later, Americans are much more individualized.  Today, salvation is almost always portrayed as a personal experience. The bridge that divides these twenty centuries is wide. As Americans, who have chosen to submit to the Kingdom of God, though, Scripture must trump our individualistic proclivities, thereby mandating our participation in community. In THE MIRROR, Francis Du Toit translates Hebrews 10:25 as,
“In light of our free access to the Father, let us extend that embrace to one another. Our gatherings are no longer a repetition of tradition but an essential fellowship where we remind one another of our true identity. Let us do so with greater urgency (now that the day has dawned in our understanding).”[13]
In this passage we can see more clearly what church is really about.  It is a place where we remind one another of our true identity.  The Church is about Christians understanding their place in the family of God as sons and daughters.
In these two short verses Paul amazingly articulates such profound thoughts on the concepts of personal versus corporate salvation, works versus grace, the fear of the Lord, as well as hints at what brings pleasure to God. It is no wonder why scholars have debated these verses throughout the centuries. As for the literary criticism and determining the meaning of this text, we absolutely cannot separate the first century context from the words that Paul wrote. Neither do we have the liberty to move then entirely into the 21st century context. Just as we did with the concepts within we must balance the divide in careful tension. This is what makes Scripture beautiful in my opinion, it is a living document that spans time and is equally relevant to both the church in Philippi as well as the church in America two thousand years later.



[1]           Marshall, I. Howard, and W. Ward Gasque, eds. The New International Greek Testament Commentary: The Acts of the Apostles. Grand Rapids, Mich.: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing, 1980.
[2]           Bruce, Frederick F. New International Biblical Commentary: Philippians. Peabody, Mass.: Hendrickson Publishers, 1989.
[3]           Fee, Gordon D. "The Philippians "Affairs"-Exhortation to Steadfastness and Unity." In Paul's Letter to the Philippians, 233. Grand Rapids, Mich.: W.B. Eerdmans Pub., 1995.
[4]           Sumney, Jerry L. Philippians: A Greek Student's Intermediate Reader. Peabody, Mass.: Hendrickson Publishers, 2007.
[5]           Bruce, Frederick F. New International Biblical Commentary: Philippians. Peabody, Mass.: Hendrickson Publishers, 1989.
[6]           Silva, Moises. Baker Exegetical Commentary on the New Testament: Philippians. 2nd ed. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Books, 1994.
[7]           Strong, James. Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Updated ed. Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 2007.
[8]           Dunnam, Maxie D. The Communicator's Commentary: Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, Philemon. Edited by Lloyd J. Ogilvie. Waco, TX: Word Books, 1984.
[9]           Webster, Miriam. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sanctification (accessed: December 11, 2014).
[10]          Balz, Horst and Gerhard Schneider, eds. In Exegetical Dictionary of the New Testament, "Soteria (deliverance, Salvation)." 327-329. Vol. 3. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 1993.
[11]          Silva, Moises. The Wycliffe Exegetical Commentary: Philippians. Chicago, Il.: Moody Press, 1988.
[12]          Silva, Moises. The Wycliffe Exegetical Commentary: Philippians. Chicago, Il.: Moody  Press, 1988.         
[13]          Du Toit, Francois. "Hebrews 10." In Mirror Bible. 3rd ed. Hermanus, South Africa: Mirror Word Publishing, 2014.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Oh Ye of Little Faith

I grew up listening to stories of the Civil Rights era and made a vow that I would be different. I wouldn't let ignorance blind me. I would fight for the worth of all those living. I never could understand how believers couldn't see that all of humanity was created in the image of God. I always said if I  ever lived in an area where this was happening I would sit at the counter, ride the bus, march the march. I never thought I would get that chance. I thought surely we would be much more advanced in 2014 than it was in 1814. If we as a people have achieved such radical growth in industry, how have we not also grown ethically? I genuinely don't understand. Humanity. There is an inherent value just for being human.

While I truly believe that, nevertheless, there are still issues that feel like they threaten my faith. The choice between defending the truth and walking in compassion seem to be at odds. How did Jesus so perfectly balance Mercy and Justice? For me the issue has never been about pigments. That's a no-brainer. However when the recipe shifts to the sinful choices of other humans, I all to easily forget that I too am saved by grace.  I flop like a fish out of water. There sin deserves punishment, where mine deserves grace. Ten minutes later. My sin deserves punishment, while there's deserves grace. Love, Holiness, Grace, Truth, Militants, Pacifism. A thousand opinions fill social media, but I see no white man/woman, laying down their life. Thousands of  Atticus Finch's encouraging us to walk a mile in their shoes, but no one doing it. How is it lived out? I don't have the slightest idea. I am terrified of the conversations that desperately need to happen. I'm afraid the conversation will open closet doors that have ancestral skeletons, which will reveal that I am not as altruistic as I would like to believe I am.

I'm reminded of a quote by Mike Mason in his book "The Mystery of Marriage" that says something like, "You can stare at a starry sky and say that you feel closer to God, but the reality is that humans are created in His image. Therefore when you look in the face of the most despicable of humans, you are still closer to God than you are when you look at a sunset."  Or I think Mother Teresa said that each time she cared for a leper, she was ministering to Jesus directly.

As believers, if we don't see that the same is true when we look into the face of anyone who has different color of skin than we do, bears a different sexual orientation, worships differently (including not just denominational differences, but yes even Muslims), then we have clearly not fully understood the message of the Cross and how far the divide was that separated us from God before it. There is no one that has come anywhere near the enmity that the entire human race had against God. "Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13. Until each one of us that calls ourselves by His name, picks up our cross and lays down our life for our fellow human beings, thereby walking out the highest form of love, we will continue to miss the message of the Gospel.

I know so many who want to take up arms and fight those that are different from us. Fight to defend the truth. Fight for God. In the story found in Matthew 8, we see a group of disciples that are panicked because they fear they will die at the hands of the storm. Jesus rebukes them for having little faith. I propose that if they had truly believed in the full revelation of Jesus, then they would have known that even in dying, God can raise the dead. When it comes to God, Life Always Wins. If your house and home are faced with a storm called Hate and you feel like you (and your opinions, beliefs, etc) are going to die, instead of panicking I encourage you to go ahead and die to self. Lay down your life for your friend. Walk in love and let Hate kill you. I know what happens on the 3rd day. Resurrection. Choose love. CHOOSE LOVE!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

August: Worse than Chinese Water Torture

In my crazy life these days I am leading and directing two campus ministries, running two different business endeavors, writing a bible study on the book of Esther, trying to spend time with family and friends as well as sleep 8 hours a day and eat healthy.  There's no way that I accomplish all of it each day, but life is like math...you round up.

Here's what a typical week looks like for me:
On MWF (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) I teach English to two lovely Korean ladies from 10a-12noon. Then I take a 30 minute lunch. From 12:30-usually 6:30, I am working on a mixture of planning for Chi Alpha/Tech 24-7 campus ministry events and working to build both my business endeavors.  Starting at 6:30, I usually meet with 1-2 people for an hour or so.  Some of this is fun, some of it is work.  Usually by 8:30, I am back at work finishing tasks that I didn't complete earlier in the day.  If I'm lucky, I get to get in some writing.  Today, I've written two blog posts and not written any for my book. It's now 11:37pm.  I have been busy doing something for 13 hours, 11 of them work related.

On Tuesday/Thursday I don't have to be at work till 1 pm.  It's great because I can use my mornings to catch up on sleep or run errands. These days it's making Office Depot/Cost-co trips to get prepared for the semester.  I work from 1-5 on business/ministry stuff and usually have 2-3 meetings in the evening.  I usually get home around 10 pm on these days.  Saturday is spent catching up on anything that still needs to be finished, doing laundry, buying groceries, organizing life so that I can start it all again on Monday.  I am very intentional in busy seasons like this to rest on Sunday. Sometimes I go to church, sometimes I stay home and watch church on the internet.  Sometimes this is when I get a chance to write for my bible study. Sometimes I spend time with family.

I easily spend 50 hours a week working doing ministry and trying to grow two businesses.  Usually it's more like 65+ hours a week.

For the last two years I have raised support as a campus missionary through Texas Tech.  We used to bring in approximately $1000 a month with which I ran a ministry and 'took a salary'.  In the last year, our support has dropped to approximately $500 a month.  My businesses are bringing in about $400 per month.

Will you join with me in praying that God will release new finances into my life and the ministries I am leading? I don't care if those finances come through support raising or through new clients for these businesses.  Once August is finished, my time will not be stretched so thin.  I will be able to cut back to a normal 40 hour per week investment.  It's always a struggle, but God has always been faithful and provided for my every need.

Ideally I would bring in $2500 personally plus an additional $2000 per month to cover ministry expenses for both campus ministries.  This will cover printing costs, t-shirt production, fall retreats, supplies for CHOP and much more.

If you know of anyone or specifically a church that would be interested in supporting a missionary to Texas Tech, please feel free to give them my name and number.  My information can be found at www.txtech247.com or www.xalubbock.com.  Both organizations are 501(c)3's and therefore donations are tax exempt.

If you know a small to medium sized business that might need help with an assistant, you can send them to www.essentiallyjill.com.  If you know an international student who needs help with English tutoring, you can send them to www.bathanan.wix.com/esltutor.

As with every day, I lay it all down at the foot of the cross and ask him to breathe on all my efforts and multiply them for the glory of His name.  Thanks for joining me in prayer!  Bless you!

Birthdays: Worse than Chinese Water Torture

We've seen those movies like Tomb Raider or something where the main character is tied up and attached to a conveyor belt, which is whisking them away to a machine which will momentarily chop them into bits unless they are rescued.

That's how birthday's feel to me.  There is a time and day and no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape getting older.  It's not just the getting older thing, although that's a big part.  For me the weeks preceding and the day itself are fraught with a myriad of mixed emotions and expectations.

The ideal situation: 1) I felt like compared to all other 39'ers I was successful. 2) I am surrounded by 10-12 deeply close friends, plus my family all of who are super excited that I am on the earth and can't wait to lavish me with love, words of encouragement, and walks down memory lane.  3) Those friends and family are so looking forward to celebrating me that they have purchased super intentional presents that will blow my mind with how much I am loved and known. 4) I would end the day telling God I am very grateful to be alive, how excited I am about turning 39, and can't wait to see what adventures lie ahead of us.

Reality (as I see it): 1) Despite my internal believe if you love Jesus and are loved by him then you are successful.  The reality is that we live in a culture that defines success very differently.  Marriage: Kids: Degrees: Jobs: Bank Accounts, Clothing Size, etc....that's how our culture defines success. I am a failure based on those definitions. I can't help but look at my life compared to my peers and feel like a 12 year old pretending to be a grown up.  Yes, I know....comparison is the thief of joy.  Somebody quick...call 911. My joy just got stolen by the Birthday Monster.  2) Relationships are difficult.  I have had some friendships in my life that have been deeply profound and meaningful.  Unfortunately, many of them live thousands of miles away.  I have a few peer relationships in Lubbock. The other unfortunate thing is that 99.9% of the time I feel like a burden to bear rather than a friend to be celebrated.  I don't feel like a priority or a treasure.  Quite frankly if I didn't bring up my birthday and Facebook didn't notify you, I honestly wonder who would remember my birthday.  I've thought about testing that theory, but I don't know that I could handle the disappointment I would feel if no one called or did anything.  My love tank certainly is at an all time low. 2b) Furthermore, new relationships are tough!  It's hard to invest in new relationships.  2c) More than that, the writing of this blog can be misconstrued as manipulative and that's the last thing that I want.  Actually, the difficulty is how do you express very real emotions and needs/wants. It seems that it either forces people to celebrate you when they may not have wanted to do it initially and then you get in an ugly cycle of forcing action, and feeling as though the reaction isn't genuine or you say what you feel and nothing changes.  It's a very complicated path to navigate in my opinion.  3) Finances are tight all around.  Presents will be rare. 4) I will go to bed half happy/half sad. Life will continue.

So after thinking about all of this, I tend to do one of two things:  I become more distant, less dependent, and more independent.  I don't need people.  I am perfectly ok all by myself.  I'll cancel all festivities, go spend time with Jesus and live in my own happy bubble.  Option 2, which is much harder, is to choose to be grateful for whatever is given.  Let go of expectations.  Tell God that you want to be loved, and open your heart to love.  And be grateful.  It's crazy ridiculous hard.  It's hard to trust that God can do it. That he can fill your love tank and emotional cup, even though you've witnessed him doing it 1000 times first hand.  It's hard to release expectations from people. To quote Will Reagan, it's hard to "climb this mountain with my hands wide open."

I was telling someone the other night that most of the time I feel as though everything about me is intrinsically wrong.  The way I think, work, dream, love, etc is wrong.  Never good enough.

I know many of you won't believe me but this isn't depression talking.  I'm not depressed.  Life is hard. There are spiritual, emotional, supernatural battles that we face daily.  The "working out our salvation" process is real and painful.  Life makes me realize I need Jesus, every moment of every day.  Just like I do with the love of God, I often have to choose to believe daily that people love me.  Even though their actions are not as I would like them to be.  I will believe my family loves me and my friends love me because 1) I am worth being loved and 2) because they say so and attempt to show it in their own way.

Ok. so that's it.  You have 10 days till I turn 39.  You can do whatever you want to do.  I am surrendering it all to God and trusting that he will work it all out.  ...

PS.  You think this was dramatic....just wait till next year when I turn 40!

Friday, May 9, 2014

Worshipping with the Psalms

A while back i noticed that lots of my music was written based on the Psalms in scripture, and I was curious if I could compile a playlist based on the Psalms. Here's what I came up with so far:

Psalms 2                                  by Heather Clark
4:8                                           by Daniel Lehmann
13                                            by Shane & Shane
18                                            by Cory Asbury
18, 50                                      by Enter the Worship Circle/First Circle
19                                            by Sheri Keller
23                                            by Justin Barnard
24                                            by Cory Asbury
25                                            by Justin McRoberts
25-30                                       by EWC/First Circle
27                                             by Shekinah
27:4                                          by Dwayne Roberts
29                                             by Todd Ganovski
30                                             by Emily Schiavi
33                                             by Jon Thurlow
34                                             by Seeds Family Worship (kids music)
37:4                                          by Daniel Lehmann
42                                             by Heather Clark
50                                             by EWC/First Circle
55                                             by Heather Clark
56                                             by Daniel Lehmann
57                                             by Heather Clark
62                                             by Will Reagan. Another version also by Shane & Shane.

63                                             by Heather Clark
84                                             by Heather Clark
93                                             by Justin Rizzo
96                                             by Daniel Lehmann
97                                             by Heather Clark
100                                           by Matt Gilman. Another version also by Heather Clark.
108                                           by Will Regan
118                                           by Shane & Shane. Another version also by Heather Clark.
121                                           by The Covenant
126                                           by Charlie Hall
130                                           by Daniel Lehmann
139                                           by Justin Barnard
142                                           by Heather Clark
143                                           by Shane & Shane
145                                           by Shane & Shane
150                                           by Misty Edwards. Another version also by Will Reagan.

I found songs by several groups that could supplement this playlist. Do you have any songs that I should add to this playlist? I think it would be cool if these people joined together and did a compilation album.

Do you have any playlists based off scripture?