dreams

I had two dreams that are related but I'm not sure exactly what they mean.

According to a dream dictionary they suggest that 1) I am lacking fulfillment or pleasure and 2) i am feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

yep that pretty much sums it up. what to do about it?

i was asked last night "what makes me happy".

I don't know. i haven't been happy in a long time. the things i thought made me happy end up painful. God used to make me happy now I'm just confused. i feel like I'm personally living out Ecclesiastes: (Sharina will be happy with this part of the blog, because she'll be able to give me the Hebrew translation/interpretation) it's all vanity, so you might as well eat, drink and be merry. bring on the eating and drinking and merry making.

I've lost my sense of direction. Everything I do is drudgery. I'm sure it will get better eventually. I just have to figure out how to survive the mundane. I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I honestly believe that the prednisone I took while sick, aggrivated my anxiety. I haven't been sane since being sick. Here in a few weeks I'll go see the doctor and all will be on the track to being well again. Until then....

hit the delete button

I decided to delete my last post. somethings just don't need to be on the internet.

i am struggling.

i will survive.

I'm angry

I'm angry because I sit here reading a friends blog about how 6 years ago she stood praying for God to move in Burma, and now 6 years later she's going back to get to participate in it some more.

I'm angry cause I'm worried about stupid statistics homework in comparison.

I'm angry that my brother's girlfriend lost her baby.

I'm angry that I don't have children either.

I'm angry that my life is so messy that it keeps men away.

I'm angry that life is full of death and devastation.

I'm angry that it seems like believing in God is pointless. I'm angry that it seems like there's no point in asking or hoping or dreaming because all you get is a cross to carry.

I'm angry that despite the hardships of my life, there are people who have suffered much more and I have NOTHING to offer them.

In high school there was a phrase, "Life's a b*tch and then you die." I didn't know high school morons were so profound back then.

I'm angry because I don't understand the kingdom of God on earth now.

I'm angry because the afterlife isn't enough to get me through everyday.

I'm angry because I don't know if my answer of "He is who he says He is." is enough anymore.

I really get it. Deep down inside I get the cosmic battle between love and not-love. Good and evil. I get that my choice to love God in return through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for eternity is a BIG deal. I get that my choice to say yes to Him in the face of tragedy is much BIGGER than I have words for...and in the end everything I do, think, believe, pray, breathe, etc....is all wrapped up in my choice of loving Him in return because He loves me in my weak, broken, fragile, messed up life. I really get it.

I get that I'm not forced to choose Him, or forced to choose love. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes when the sh*t hits the fan, and everything around you sucks.....and you want to walk away but you know better. You know nothing will make you feel better. Sex, drugs, booze, chocolate, TV....it doesn't satisfy. So you can't choose the temporary fixes anymore, you are forced by your own understanding to choose Him.

So you choose Him and you still end up carrying a cross, you still die, you still suffer. It makes me angry!

It makes me angry that my humanity wants to escape from suffering but my faith tells me there is something beautiful and mystical that happens when I share in the sufferings of Christ.

It makes me angry that the enemy uses my frustration, anger and circumstances to accuse the character of God. But then again, if I was rich and had everything I wanted/needed...the enemy would accuse His character then too.

In the end, I've come back to the place where I started. It is my joy, my honor to choose Him. He is faithful! He is loving! He is just! He is my provider! He is my sustainer! He is my ever present help in a time of need! He is the lover of my soul! He is a friend who is closer than a brother! He is my peace! He is my refuge! He really is the way, the truth and the life. Without him, I am nothing.

I still don't understand everything and have a lot of questions. But He's ok with that.

born to manifest the glory of God within

I sit here in my apartment towards the end of January 2010, with a list of mixed emotions. This last year, well to quote a friend, "2009 was also a year of several answers to promises from God…but it was also a year that held several non-answers to promises. (ones that I felt were specifically going to be answered) So with that comes disappointment and confusion...and the age-old battle of really wondering if you’re hearing from God right or even hearing at all. It’s not that I feel separated from God really…but He just isn’t really talking very much at the moment."

And so I sit here at the beginning of 2010, seeing things with my eyes but my heart is afraid to believe. I'll quit being so vague and give you some specifics. It's about a boy.

It actually all started in 1998. I was living in Indiana, had moved there to do God's work. In the process of living that life, a guy came and tempted me to follow my own desires. That selfishness on my part ended very destructively, and from my perspective hurt a lot of people. I was hurt. I had given in yet again. So as I moved back to Lubbock, I asked God to turn me inside out. I didn't want to disappoint Him again. Despite myself, I believed that God asked me for 10 more years of being single. That would have been in the Spring of 1999. It was a hard choice. I somehow knew that by saying yes, it meant watching my younger brothers get married and have kids before me, which did happen. I felt it was penance. God's way of punishing my indiscretions.

It wasn't until the end of 2008 that I really began to see that God's character is not one that would punish, but send out an invitation to deeper intimacy. He wanted 10 more years of just me and Him. Quality time. I certainly needed it. Character building, maturity, etc. But the invitation to intimacy was missed. So these last couple of years I half-heartedly grabbed at every chance I could to have deeper intimacy with God and half-heartedly counted the hours and minutes until the 10 years of punishment was finished.

Spring of 2009 came and went, and in the last 6 months of the year some remarkable things happened. I realized that God is enough and if I truly believed that marriage was a promise, then I no longer had to perform to achieve the good merits to win the reward. Likewise, whether you call it dumb luck or coincidence or fate, I was given a wedding dress that is a perfect fit.

So I sat and finished out a year, a year prophesied to give birth to a promise. I sat and watched the year come to an end and felt incredibly disappointed. I felt betrayed and forgotten.

Then out of nowhere, I remembered a call from the middle of October from a guy that I have liked for quite sometime. That call was an invitation that was met with scheduling conflicts, identity crisis', and ultimately disregard. In January, I returned the call and we went to lunch. I was classically over eager and feared that I scared him away again. But he called me back and now another lunch date has been arranged.

I am excited but I am also afraid. To believe that we can be truly loved despite our imperfections is a major thing to overcome. He is an amazing man. I feel small in his presence. I see Him, in him and I am daunted. Grace, is bittersweet, i don't care what they say.

There are moments in my life when I can look around and see the stars lining up. It's as if all of the cosmos are coming into order. I feel that sensation now, that things I have prayed for and dreamed of for a long time are coming into order in ways that I will not be able to adequately describe the amount of happiness or joy I am faced with.

When I have the shrinking back feelings like I am feeling now, I try to remember the words Nelson Mandela quoted at his inauguration,

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

dreams and visions

1. Tuesday, Dec. 15th (that night while sleeping) I dreamt that someone in my family died and I was having a real hard time getting over it. So I went to a dr to see if he could give me something to help me cope. He told me he could give me pills or I could go to Slaton and get "ganka" (which I knew was a code word for weed) from Doug Stone. I chose to go to Slaton. Upon arrival at Doug's house, I told him "I'm surprised your dealing." He said, "I'm surprised your buying."

2. Thursday, Dec. 17th (that evening while at Kathy & Neeley Byrum's house), we went to the secret place together. Using guided imagery I imagined myself as a little girl wearing a dress, swinging on a tree swing, seeing Jesus give me a hug and spin me around. Then I asked him a question, "Why are you so far away?" He pointed away from him and I turned around and saw the most majestic and beautiful male deer. He had a gorgeous rack, like 12 points or something crazy. He was thick chested and elegant. He walked across a wooden bridge into what looked like a Disney evil forest. Dense fog and craggly trees everywhere. You could barely see where you were going. While never knowing where he was because of the fog, he never waivered; his footsteps were sure. Then I could hear the river. I watched as he leaned to his right to listen to the river. And as he would press into the sound of the river, it was like the fog would vanish, and his surroundings would turn miraculously into this amazing forest, lush with life. But it would disappear quickly. Over and over, he would strain to hear the river, catch a glimpse of this other world and then loose it. Somehow through all that, he had climbed up the mountain and came upon a rock shelf where it looked as though Abraham was about to sacrifice Issac. But instead of a ram getting caught in the thicket, the deer went and laid down on the alter willingly. He was at total peace, knowing this was his destiny. But before I saw the deer die, the screen turned and I was looking to the right of the alter, down into the ravine. There was a beautiful tall thin angel, that was opalescent in color. She was dancing in an oscillating fashion. There was a beam of light that was coming from the heavens into her. She was so hungry to be in that light. She would be there and drink all day, then step out for a moment and be parched. Oddly at this point, I saw a flash of a demonic presence there. It felt like lust or greed. It was the same mocking face that had mocked me a couple of years ago, when I was in an unhealthy relationship. I had told a guy "I miss you." This demon manifested and chuckled at me and said, "Ha ha, you miss me." Then my tune changed real quick and was like, "the hell I do."

On another note, it's amazing to trust in God and have him really show up. I went to work on empty today with 6 dollars to my name. God had reminded me that I had some Arbonne products that I could sell to co-workers as small Christmas gifts. So I offered, and several people took me up on those offers. So I was able to put gas in my car and buy supper. Then a friend came and rode with me to an outing and gave me $20 on top of that. God is faithful if I would just trust and obey. Sing with me now "Trust and obey, for there's no better way, than to trust in Jesus, yes I'll trust and obey."

gratitutde is challenging sometimes

I really hate the poverty spirit that rules my life. I can't do anything without seeing my lack in the midst. For instance today, is Sunday. I slept in till noon, woke up with nothing really pressing to do today. So I played on Facebook for a while and then hoped on over to blogspot to see how everyone is doing these days.

One of my friends is blogging about all the things she's thankful for: husband, kids, family that doesn't have drama, etc. And I sit there tearing up asking myself "when will i get to write a blog like that?" Call the waaaaa-mbulance. Yes I do want those things and more, but I've got a good life and I should be grateful. On FB we are doing 30 days of grateful and it's been hard. I didn't realize how hard it is to find something to be grateful for each day. That's just sad.

the other side of the tracks

We all know what happens to people who live on the other side of the tracks. We know the kinds of decisions they make, and the consequences they suffer because of them. We watch them on TV shows, read about them in books, listen to songs about them. But for most of us, they will always be....them. Rarely do we become them, or do they impact our lives. Most of the time we are safely removed from them by the tracks.

Unfortunately, this weekend they merged with my family. Actually it's been this case for a long time. My uncle, who is only a few years older than I, has been somewhat unstable for years. Alcohol, drugs, divorce, misdemeanors; you name it, he's done it. Several years ago we had a rough summer, when he attacked my father. That was swept under the rug like all things in the Hurley household. But last night was different. Last night lives were changed forever. He attacked my aunt, his girlfriend and a friend of his with a bat. He was arrested. He attacked them and sent his friend to the hospital. He's got a minimum of 3 'assault with a deadly weapon' charges. Plus they found enough weapons and ammunition for him to be the next David Karesh, he was growing mushrooms in his closet, had an assortment of pills and marijuana in his possession. So my uncle, in his early 40's, with a Master's degree in Literature, will probably spend the rest of his life in prison. My grandma in her mid 80's, is taking it hard. Her mind is slipping slowly and this is breaking her heart. It was less than 1.5 years ago that she lost her husband to a stroke. She has really never been the same since.

It's a whirlwind, a roller coaster of emotion. Fearful of what will happen if they release him from jail on bond, sad about his quality of life, worried about his safety, health, sanity and salvation, concerned for Mamaw in her last years.

It's times like this, that I am so keenly aware of how desperately we need Jesus. He literally is the sustainer of life in times of grief, when emotion is so strong you forget to breath. So please pray for peace and comfort for my family. Pray for wisdom, strength and guidance. Pray for protections and justice. Pray for me, as I change my life up a bit to begin staying with my grandma a couple of times a week.

Pray for my uncles girlfriend, who says she loves him, who has been asked by my family to stay away. Pray for her son, who, in her words, "adored him."

So God right now, I ask for your Spirit to be with Mamaw, to comfort her as only you can. God I ask that you would radically transform his life. God I ask for Justice but I also ask for mercy. My heart only knows those two things as opposite ends of a pendulum, but you know of to blend them into one. God for all of us whose hearts and emotions are stirred up, give us strength to put one step in front of the other. For the young ones, whose paradigms of family are being blown to shreds, provide stability and security. God, use this to draw my family to your throne. God use me, if you will and can, to be your voice, in this hour to my family. God teach me how to pray in this situation. Lord, arrest bitterness and give us strength to forgive. God, arrest demonic strongholds over my uncle. Bring true freedom. God will you release grace and peace over the coming holiday season. May your life infiltrate every moment. Jesus, thank you for interceding for my family at every moment. I love you Jesus. Amen!