Several of my peeps are doing lists of things they are thankful for. I didn't want to be a part because, well that makes being cynical difficult. But I just cry when I read the ones from my friends and so, well here's to making you cry too:
1. I love my schedule these days. I'm not quite sure how it's working, other than God's miraculous provision, but all I have to do is go to school. My body sleeps when it wants to sleep and is awake when it wants to be awake. In someways it's the healthiest my body has ever been.
2. I'm grateful that I was working for Tascosa when my computer died, so I could buy another one and make payments on it.
3. I'm grateful that I got to spend a little over a year working for a friend, and it ended well.
4. I'm grateful for a space of my own, tiny as it may be, that has 9 pieces or artwork and a huge Pez collection covering the walls. My space is full of bright colors and the intricacies that make me happy.
5. I'm grateful that I can pay to have a friend come and clean my space, tiny as it may be, because I hate cleaning.
6. I'm grateful that I've found two new pieces to add to my "Hey, that's not a menorah"-candle holder collection.
7. I will choose to be grateful that Jenn via Paige via A Holy Experience, got me started making this list.
8. I'm grateful that I have two new friends: Dori & Flounder, two betas, that will be a daily reminder to think about and pray for my niece Addison.
9. I'm grateful for God's grace which gets me through tough times.
10. I'm grateful for Diet A&W Rootbeer. Caffiene free goodness....although it has Aspertame.
Ok, that's my post for this week on gratefulness. Hopefully I will have another 10 to write about next week.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
weepy, weapy, weapy
Not real sure where the emotions are coming from today. The flood gates are opened though.
I just read a friends blog. She has MS. Her three kids all have their own serious chronic conditions. Her husband is faithful and amazingly diligent to love and serve. Such intense suffering in a precious family. It overwhelms me. She's a brilliant writer. Cried reading her blog from Christmas.
Listening to music today for the first time in maybe 3 months. Shane & Shane have brought me to tears twice.
"turn down the music, turn down the noise, turn up your voice o god and let us hear the sounds of people broken, willing to love, give us your heart o god and a new song rise in us." or something like that. it goes on to say would we feed the hungry, would we give water to the thirsty, or would we sing an empty hallelujah to the king.
things are changing. life is different in the last two days. it's a new season.
new indeed.
I just read a friends blog. She has MS. Her three kids all have their own serious chronic conditions. Her husband is faithful and amazingly diligent to love and serve. Such intense suffering in a precious family. It overwhelms me. She's a brilliant writer. Cried reading her blog from Christmas.
Listening to music today for the first time in maybe 3 months. Shane & Shane have brought me to tears twice.
"turn down the music, turn down the noise, turn up your voice o god and let us hear the sounds of people broken, willing to love, give us your heart o god and a new song rise in us." or something like that. it goes on to say would we feed the hungry, would we give water to the thirsty, or would we sing an empty hallelujah to the king.
things are changing. life is different in the last two days. it's a new season.
new indeed.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
another dream
I had a dream last night that my friend inherited a multi billion dollar porn industry. Somehow this friend had a distant relative or something that died and my friend as the next of kin, got it as an inheritance. So most of my dream was spent talking with this friend about what to do now. $22 billion dollars annually.
So, in our discussions, he/we decided that we would take all the employees to spa's. At the spa's there would be spiritual, mental, and drug counselors. Guys at one center and girls at another. We also brought in the leadership of XXX church to help give us counsel on how to proceed. It was really my friends decisions but I was a very integral part in the decision process. for instance he got a huge house in the inheritance and he wanted to go in and check it out, but i told him he couldn't because we didn't know what kind of artwork was there. he couldn't send in his wife and new baby either. so i went in and there were a lot of large pictures like you would expect in a mansion, but they were all pornographic. so we had a bonfire.
there was another part of the dream that was kind of like a debate on how to win the spiritual battles in play. put worship music on 24/7 in the house, bring out the holy water and anointing oil to cast the demons out, etc. how do you take over a multi billion dollar porn industry without ruining peoples lives and sending them to another porn center. it was strange cause there was this very real sense or understanding that it would crash our economy if we just simply fired everyone. but that the crash wouldn't last long, it would be reborn like a phoenix under someone else's domain.
so there were fast decisions to be made on how to proceed with business, and peoples lives and the spiritual realm.
very real. i literally felt like i was in a board room in Minneapolis (which happens to be the porn capital of the US) and out in a spa in Montana.
So, in our discussions, he/we decided that we would take all the employees to spa's. At the spa's there would be spiritual, mental, and drug counselors. Guys at one center and girls at another. We also brought in the leadership of XXX church to help give us counsel on how to proceed. It was really my friends decisions but I was a very integral part in the decision process. for instance he got a huge house in the inheritance and he wanted to go in and check it out, but i told him he couldn't because we didn't know what kind of artwork was there. he couldn't send in his wife and new baby either. so i went in and there were a lot of large pictures like you would expect in a mansion, but they were all pornographic. so we had a bonfire.
there was another part of the dream that was kind of like a debate on how to win the spiritual battles in play. put worship music on 24/7 in the house, bring out the holy water and anointing oil to cast the demons out, etc. how do you take over a multi billion dollar porn industry without ruining peoples lives and sending them to another porn center. it was strange cause there was this very real sense or understanding that it would crash our economy if we just simply fired everyone. but that the crash wouldn't last long, it would be reborn like a phoenix under someone else's domain.
so there were fast decisions to be made on how to proceed with business, and peoples lives and the spiritual realm.
very real. i literally felt like i was in a board room in Minneapolis (which happens to be the porn capital of the US) and out in a spa in Montana.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
dreams pt 2
Ok, so today is officially Tuesday. Last Wednesday, I, after much debate, quit my job at Tascosa. I'll be ok for a while. I've got some money from the exchange student gig and another student loan disbersement that I can live off of. It's not ideal, but quite frankly, neither was going back there.
Oddly enough, I've started dreaming again.
Dream #1:Mandy Mansker Hunt and I went on a month long trip to England. We had so much fun. There were two cute boys, and one of them flirted with me but his friend was a jerk. The one that flirted with me eventually got caught checking Mandy out on a few occasions. When it was time for us to leave our airplane had mechanical failure, so we had to stay in England another week, all expenses paid by the airlines. When we got back to America, Mandy's family was there to greet us. Mandy had a brown paper bag with flowers, wine and french bread. I had two pez dispensers for souvenirs. I was so disappointed about being home that I sat down and cried in the airport.
Dream #2: I was at my parents house when I was visited by my ex sister-in-law, who brought Bonnie Raitt to give me an antique Pez Dispenser (that was broken). (Never in my life have I dreamed of Pez dispensers, much less two dreams in one week. I think the collecting has taken a turn for the dark side!)
Then last night, I had a dream that was more or less a conversation with God. We were arguing over atonement. All I really remember is there was a big mountain of sorts, and he said the price had been paid. I kept bringing him my sand sized gravel and mostly complaining that I didn't have the chance to atone myself. At least I assume this is about atonement. I don't really know. It was just clear when I woke up that he had paid a price and me complaining about not being able to do it myself wasn't going to change the fact. It was kind of like "no matter what happens from here on our good or bad" the contracts been paid, so deal with it.
Really the point of this blog is that 1) I'm dreaming again 2) it happened pretty much after quitting a job, which is a good sign and 3) i'm clueless as to what the dreams mean.
ps if you know anyone in my family....don't tell them about quitting the job. they don't know yet.
Oddly enough, I've started dreaming again.
Dream #1:Mandy Mansker Hunt and I went on a month long trip to England. We had so much fun. There were two cute boys, and one of them flirted with me but his friend was a jerk. The one that flirted with me eventually got caught checking Mandy out on a few occasions. When it was time for us to leave our airplane had mechanical failure, so we had to stay in England another week, all expenses paid by the airlines. When we got back to America, Mandy's family was there to greet us. Mandy had a brown paper bag with flowers, wine and french bread. I had two pez dispensers for souvenirs. I was so disappointed about being home that I sat down and cried in the airport.
Dream #2: I was at my parents house when I was visited by my ex sister-in-law, who brought Bonnie Raitt to give me an antique Pez Dispenser (that was broken). (Never in my life have I dreamed of Pez dispensers, much less two dreams in one week. I think the collecting has taken a turn for the dark side!)
Then last night, I had a dream that was more or less a conversation with God. We were arguing over atonement. All I really remember is there was a big mountain of sorts, and he said the price had been paid. I kept bringing him my sand sized gravel and mostly complaining that I didn't have the chance to atone myself. At least I assume this is about atonement. I don't really know. It was just clear when I woke up that he had paid a price and me complaining about not being able to do it myself wasn't going to change the fact. It was kind of like "no matter what happens from here on our good or bad" the contracts been paid, so deal with it.
Really the point of this blog is that 1) I'm dreaming again 2) it happened pretty much after quitting a job, which is a good sign and 3) i'm clueless as to what the dreams mean.
ps if you know anyone in my family....don't tell them about quitting the job. they don't know yet.
Monday, February 22, 2010
dreams
I had two dreams that are related but I'm not sure exactly what they mean.
According to a dream dictionary they suggest that 1) I am lacking fulfillment or pleasure and 2) i am feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.
yep that pretty much sums it up. what to do about it?
i was asked last night "what makes me happy".
I don't know. i haven't been happy in a long time. the things i thought made me happy end up painful. God used to make me happy now I'm just confused. i feel like I'm personally living out Ecclesiastes: (Sharina will be happy with this part of the blog, because she'll be able to give me the Hebrew translation/interpretation) it's all vanity, so you might as well eat, drink and be merry. bring on the eating and drinking and merry making.
I've lost my sense of direction. Everything I do is drudgery. I'm sure it will get better eventually. I just have to figure out how to survive the mundane. I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I honestly believe that the prednisone I took while sick, aggrivated my anxiety. I haven't been sane since being sick. Here in a few weeks I'll go see the doctor and all will be on the track to being well again. Until then....
According to a dream dictionary they suggest that 1) I am lacking fulfillment or pleasure and 2) i am feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.
yep that pretty much sums it up. what to do about it?
i was asked last night "what makes me happy".
I don't know. i haven't been happy in a long time. the things i thought made me happy end up painful. God used to make me happy now I'm just confused. i feel like I'm personally living out Ecclesiastes: (Sharina will be happy with this part of the blog, because she'll be able to give me the Hebrew translation/interpretation) it's all vanity, so you might as well eat, drink and be merry. bring on the eating and drinking and merry making.
I've lost my sense of direction. Everything I do is drudgery. I'm sure it will get better eventually. I just have to figure out how to survive the mundane. I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. I honestly believe that the prednisone I took while sick, aggrivated my anxiety. I haven't been sane since being sick. Here in a few weeks I'll go see the doctor and all will be on the track to being well again. Until then....
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
hit the delete button
I decided to delete my last post. somethings just don't need to be on the internet.
i am struggling.
i will survive.
i am struggling.
i will survive.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I'm angry
I'm angry because I sit here reading a friends blog about how 6 years ago she stood praying for God to move in Burma, and now 6 years later she's going back to get to participate in it some more.
I'm angry cause I'm worried about stupid statistics homework in comparison.
I'm angry that my brother's girlfriend lost her baby.
I'm angry that I don't have children either.
I'm angry that my life is so messy that it keeps men away.
I'm angry that life is full of death and devastation.
I'm angry that it seems like believing in God is pointless. I'm angry that it seems like there's no point in asking or hoping or dreaming because all you get is a cross to carry.
I'm angry that despite the hardships of my life, there are people who have suffered much more and I have NOTHING to offer them.
In high school there was a phrase, "Life's a b*tch and then you die." I didn't know high school morons were so profound back then.
I'm angry because I don't understand the kingdom of God on earth now.
I'm angry because the afterlife isn't enough to get me through everyday.
I'm angry because I don't know if my answer of "He is who he says He is." is enough anymore.
I really get it. Deep down inside I get the cosmic battle between love and not-love. Good and evil. I get that my choice to love God in return through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for eternity is a BIG deal. I get that my choice to say yes to Him in the face of tragedy is much BIGGER than I have words for...and in the end everything I do, think, believe, pray, breathe, etc....is all wrapped up in my choice of loving Him in return because He loves me in my weak, broken, fragile, messed up life. I really get it.
I get that I'm not forced to choose Him, or forced to choose love. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes when the sh*t hits the fan, and everything around you sucks.....and you want to walk away but you know better. You know nothing will make you feel better. Sex, drugs, booze, chocolate, TV....it doesn't satisfy. So you can't choose the temporary fixes anymore, you are forced by your own understanding to choose Him.
So you choose Him and you still end up carrying a cross, you still die, you still suffer. It makes me angry!
It makes me angry that my humanity wants to escape from suffering but my faith tells me there is something beautiful and mystical that happens when I share in the sufferings of Christ.
It makes me angry that the enemy uses my frustration, anger and circumstances to accuse the character of God. But then again, if I was rich and had everything I wanted/needed...the enemy would accuse His character then too.
In the end, I've come back to the place where I started. It is my joy, my honor to choose Him. He is faithful! He is loving! He is just! He is my provider! He is my sustainer! He is my ever present help in a time of need! He is the lover of my soul! He is a friend who is closer than a brother! He is my peace! He is my refuge! He really is the way, the truth and the life. Without him, I am nothing.
I still don't understand everything and have a lot of questions. But He's ok with that.
I'm angry cause I'm worried about stupid statistics homework in comparison.
I'm angry that my brother's girlfriend lost her baby.
I'm angry that I don't have children either.
I'm angry that my life is so messy that it keeps men away.
I'm angry that life is full of death and devastation.
I'm angry that it seems like believing in God is pointless. I'm angry that it seems like there's no point in asking or hoping or dreaming because all you get is a cross to carry.
I'm angry that despite the hardships of my life, there are people who have suffered much more and I have NOTHING to offer them.
In high school there was a phrase, "Life's a b*tch and then you die." I didn't know high school morons were so profound back then.
I'm angry because I don't understand the kingdom of God on earth now.
I'm angry because the afterlife isn't enough to get me through everyday.
I'm angry because I don't know if my answer of "He is who he says He is." is enough anymore.
I really get it. Deep down inside I get the cosmic battle between love and not-love. Good and evil. I get that my choice to love God in return through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for eternity is a BIG deal. I get that my choice to say yes to Him in the face of tragedy is much BIGGER than I have words for...and in the end everything I do, think, believe, pray, breathe, etc....is all wrapped up in my choice of loving Him in return because He loves me in my weak, broken, fragile, messed up life. I really get it.
I get that I'm not forced to choose Him, or forced to choose love. But sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes when the sh*t hits the fan, and everything around you sucks.....and you want to walk away but you know better. You know nothing will make you feel better. Sex, drugs, booze, chocolate, TV....it doesn't satisfy. So you can't choose the temporary fixes anymore, you are forced by your own understanding to choose Him.
So you choose Him and you still end up carrying a cross, you still die, you still suffer. It makes me angry!
It makes me angry that my humanity wants to escape from suffering but my faith tells me there is something beautiful and mystical that happens when I share in the sufferings of Christ.
It makes me angry that the enemy uses my frustration, anger and circumstances to accuse the character of God. But then again, if I was rich and had everything I wanted/needed...the enemy would accuse His character then too.
In the end, I've come back to the place where I started. It is my joy, my honor to choose Him. He is faithful! He is loving! He is just! He is my provider! He is my sustainer! He is my ever present help in a time of need! He is the lover of my soul! He is a friend who is closer than a brother! He is my peace! He is my refuge! He really is the way, the truth and the life. Without him, I am nothing.
I still don't understand everything and have a lot of questions. But He's ok with that.
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