tension

It is hard to trust God when your dignity is at stake. It is hard to trust that He has your good in mind, when the only possible outcome is humiliation.  It's hard to dream, to hold onto His promises, to believe... when the enemy comes and lies and says that God is a trickster.  It reminds me of the words my friend Wendy Andrews wrote,

"A servant of the Lord visited them one day, when they “were old, advanced in age; Sarah was past childbearing,” and he spoke to them a confirmation of the Promise’s arrival: “I will surely return to you at this time next year; and behold, Sarah your wife will have a son.” And Sarah, listening in at the door of the tent, “laughed to herself” at the relaying of these words.

I know that laugh. It’s a little sarcastic and a tiny bit bitter. It’s self-protective, because it’s a lot safer to shrug off words whose reception would have to mean hope in what’s still unseen. If she chooses to believe but is wrong in the end, then she looks like an utter fool, and maybe worse yet, feels like onel. Her laugh is a little hopeless and despairing but not too far down that road, because living there for too long becomes completely unbearable. It’s so much easier to live a little dead, just coasting, pretty much along for the ride. The Lord said to Abraham, Sarah’s husband, “Why did Sarah laugh, “saying, ‘Shall I indeed bear a child, when I am so old?’

“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”

Oh, these words pierce my heart. It’s a rhetorical question asked by the Creator and Author and Main Character in the Story whose End is quite settled. “Then the Lord took note of Sarah as He had said, and the Lord did for Sarah as He had promised. So Sarah conceived and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the appointed time of which God had spoken to him.” In this fulfillment of a 25-year Promise, God kindly watered Sarah’s a-little-bit-hardened-heart and she flourished in the goodness of God in the land of the living.

“Is anything too difficult for the Lord?”

I don’t believe so. My head doesn’t believe so, I mean. My heart might disagree. That’s okay, though, because He has never been intimidated by what I can see with my eyes. He is very good at convincing me at the deepest level that He is kind and loving, not a trickster, that He is indeed taking note of me as He had said."

I want so badly to defend my honor, to speak plainly and definitively about my intentions, to reaffirm that it is my job to follow the leader of this dance but I cannot.  I must remain in the tension, for to assert myself would be to force the issue of promise and I don't want to end up with an Ishamel in this situation.

Lord help me to trust you!

Blame it on MEve

Over the last week or so, I've realized what a self serving, undisciplined, hypocritical person I've become (have been for a long time).  I know, you're thinking.  Wow Jill, simma down now.  But it's true.  I used to be one who could belt out "I surrender All." and mean it.  I was willing to sell any/everything, send my family up river, move to god forsaken territories for the sake of Christ.  Not so much anymore. Somehow my 20's and early 30's have become a comfort seeking orgy.  Not literal orgy, mind you. You can see the results of self gratification in my body, my finances, my unorganized house. 

Ok, so my friend Sharina recommended a blog by Jon to me called "Stuff Christians Like."  I had just started following him on Twitter, and didn't even know about the blog yet.  Today's blog was about fasting.  Oy Vey.  Talk about a four letter word.  Being a lover of words, though, I decide to look fast up in Websters.  Here's what ole' Webby has to say about the word Fast:
There are 3 different words that Webster's defines Fast-1, Fast-2, Fast-3...this is some of the definitions of Fast-1 (adjectives)

7.resistant: acid-fast.

8.firmly fixed in place; not easily moved; securely attached.

9.held or caught firmly, so as to be unable to escape or be extricated: an animal fast in a trap.

10.firmly tied, as a knot.

11.closed and made secure, as a door, gate, or shutter.

12.such as to hold securely: to lay fast hold on a thing.

13.firm in adherence; loyal; devoted: fast friends.

14.permanent, lasting, or unchangeable: a fast color; a hard and fast rule.

Fast-2 (verb)

1.to abstain from all food.

2.to eat only sparingly or of certain kinds of food, esp. as a religious observance. 

Fast-3 (noun)

1. a chain or rope for mooring a vessel.  I didn't know what mooring meant, so I looked it up too: 

Usually, moorings. one's stability or security: After the death of his wife he lost his moorings.

It seems to me that while looking at Fast-1 adjectives #7-14, we get the sense of being captured, attached to, anchored.  The same is true in Fast-3.  

So my observation is that Fast-2 (the verb) is acted out so that we may accomplish Fast-1/3.  Do you think that's what God might want.  For us to sacrifice things so that we may become anchored, captured, and attached to him alone.

So......................................................the question is, is this our motivation for fasting or the outcome?  If it's the outcome, then why would you ever fast?  Because troubles come up and we believe if we make sacrifices, it will please God?  Well that seems awfully pagan.  First god gets you to give up ice cream and next he's asking you to sacrifice your babies to him.  That doesn't seem like the God of Abraham, Isaac....oh wait, well there was that one time when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, but that's an anomaly. Clearly, being more deeply anchored is both the motivation and the outcome.  I can see no other reason to submit to this torture.

People from the IHOP (Int'l House of Prayer not Pancakes) believe: Participation in regular fasting as a lifestyle necessitates a healthy lifestyle on days when food is not being fasted, and should include exercise and a proper diet. A “fasted lifestyle” is a disciplined lifestyle, in which we steward our bodies and time with wisdom and diligence. Fasting is not only abstention; it is an exchange where we abstain from certain things in order to “feast” on God’s Word and prayer, whereby the abundance of His grace is made more readily available to us. When undertaken with this type of commitment, a fasted lifestyle is sustainable on a long-term basis, just as it was for Daniel and his friends (Dan. 1). In fasting we are not trying to get something from God, but seeking to realign our hearts’ affections with His. In fasting we can more readily say, “We love you, Lord, more than anything in the world.” Lust of any kind is perverted worship, but fasting enables us to cleanse the sanctuary of our hearts from every other rival. Daniel prepared himself to receive revelation through fasting. More reasons to fast can be found at Bill Bright's website or in his book "The Transforming Power of Fasting and Prayer."

 The reality is, I don't wanna fast.  Why, because it will kill my flesh.  It will hurt, it will be uncomfortable.  But really it's more than that.  There is a deep knowing, that what fasting or suffering of any kind does, is that it leads you to the end of yourself.  The question is always what will we find?  And that is where you will find in me a deep seated root of a Fear of Abandonment.  I fear that I will be left alone by God upon seeing the reality of my depravity.  Imagine walking into the deepest, darkest pit...Hell within your own soul, and being left there by God.  Having no one to rescue you.  That's what I fear.  I don't know why.  But I do.  Fear has been said to mean, "False evidence appearing real."  That's what a lie is.  Fear is a lie.  What I know to be true about the character of God is that He is a savior, He is faithful to save.  Somewhere down in the deepest part of my heart though I believe differently.  This lie/fear manifests by getting me to believe that I (or things I can control) am the only source of comfort and security.  Therefore I eat to feel good.  I sit in front of the computer playing facebook hours upon end, to feel good.  I watch movies, I avoid painful situations.  I believed a lie about the character of God, and then chose to be God myself.  That's exactly what happened to Eve in the garden of Eden.  The serpent accused the character of God (said He was withholding goodness from her), and told her that she could be like God if she ate the fruit.  Wow.  Good job Eve/Jill.  Way to fall for the trap.  Way to Perpetuate the first sin. 

Now that I've freaked out.....

I will choose to continue to be grateful:

11.  That God has provided this season of rest when my body, soul, spirit, needed it.

12.  I'm thankful for rainy day weather that has allowed me to take a day of rest from school.

13.  I'm thankful that tomorrow my good friend Erick and I get to spend the day together.

14.  I'm grateful that my hunger to worship and spend time with God has come back in the last week.

15. I'm thankful that I am getting to spend some time with my good friend Shenai doing water aerobics and swimming.  It has been good for my soul.

16. I'm grateful that God loves me.

17.  I'm really grateful that I'm single.  Sure I wouldn't mind dating someone, but I don't hate my life right now nor do I think I'm missing out.  There are very few and far between moments these days when I think my life would be better with someone else.

18.  I'm grateful that I serve a God who is faithful and dependable.  His word says, "The pure in heart shall see God."  I can trust him in that.  His character is one that longs to reveal himself to his people.  He is not far off, far away, and uninterested.

19.  I'm grateful that people are interested in my unimportant life.  People follow my voice on facebook, twitter, my blog.  It's amazing.  It's a blessing. 

20.  I'm grateful for the local honey I purchased last weekend, which is helping my allergies a whole bunch.

Lord, if you're listening.....HELP.

I just checked and as of right now, I have just enough money left to pay rent for May and to pay my electric bill.  I've put in several applications for jobs. I took a test yesterday to be a census worker.  Training starts April 26th. It will probably conflict with my school schedule.

I know God is faithful to provide. Maybe I'm feeling to casual about it, and am not desperately plowing the fields. For me this is a tension.  The balance of trusting God to do his part, while not neglecting mine.  It makes me think of the stupid thing you do at camp, when you stand on something high and fall back trusting the people below you will catch you.  So stupid. What that has taught me is that, trust is about blind faith, jumping and believing He will do the rest.  I essentially agree with that.  The problem for me always comes into play that there are other principles that must be learned. For instance a few weeks ago, when the Lord clearly told me to quit spending money.  But I didn't do it. My will got in the way.  So after several trips to sonic, etc....now things are tense.  Plus God is not going to take care of all of my needs, while I'm sitting around being lazy.  And if there was ever a time in my life when it was justified to call me lazy...this is the time.  My post pneumonia reclusive lifestyle has taken laziness to new heights.  If it gratifies my flesh, I'm all about it.  Sleep till whenever, get up whenever, eat whatever, sit and play on the computer literally for hours upon end.

I find it equally amusing, that I'm interested in buying a house for 20K in Abernathy, while I'm unemployed.  I'm not technically unemployed.  Technically I'm self employed.  But my self pays me very sporadically.  Anybody want to host a foreign exchange student?  Or want to take a trip overseas?  Let me know....my self can help you accomplish that.

So....good times. I've once again realized that what I need is a sugar daddy.  Is it sacrilegious to think of God as a sugar daddy?  I would think so too.

I don't know if you've noticed the Amazon ads in my blog, but it's just another way I can make some quick cash.  So if there's a book you're planning on buying from Amazon. Tell me first, I'll write a blog about it and then you can use my link and make me money at the same time.

Ok, that's really all I have to say.  This is starting to get too silly for my own good.

Because a thankful heart is a happy heart.....

Several of my peeps are doing lists of things they are thankful for. I didn't want to be a part because, well that makes being cynical difficult. But I just cry when I read the ones from my friends and so, well here's to making you cry too:

1. I love my schedule these days. I'm not quite sure how it's working, other than God's miraculous provision, but all I have to do is go to school. My body sleeps when it wants to sleep and is awake when it wants to be awake. In someways it's the healthiest my body has ever been.

2. I'm grateful that I was working for Tascosa when my computer died, so I could buy another one and make payments on it.
3. I'm grateful that I got to spend a little over a year working for a friend, and it ended well.

4. I'm grateful for a space of my own, tiny as it may be, that has 9 pieces or artwork and a huge Pez collection covering the walls. My space is full of bright colors and the intricacies that make me happy.

5. I'm grateful that I can pay to have a friend come and clean my space, tiny as it may be, because I hate cleaning.

6. I'm grateful that I've found two new pieces to add to my "Hey, that's not a menorah"-candle holder collection.

7. I will choose to be grateful that Jenn via Paige via A Holy Experience, got me started making this list.

8. I'm grateful that I have two new friends: Dori & Flounder, two betas, that will be a daily reminder to think about and pray for my niece Addison.

9. I'm grateful for God's grace which gets me through tough times.

10. I'm grateful for Diet A&W Rootbeer. Caffiene free goodness....although it has Aspertame.

Ok, that's my post for this week on gratefulness. Hopefully I will have another 10 to write about next week.

weepy, weapy, weapy

Not real sure where the emotions are coming from today. The flood gates are opened though.

I just read a friends blog. She has MS. Her three kids all have their own serious chronic conditions. Her husband is faithful and amazingly diligent to love and serve. Such intense suffering in a precious family. It overwhelms me. She's a brilliant writer. Cried reading her blog from Christmas.

Listening to music today for the first time in maybe 3 months. Shane & Shane have brought me to tears twice.

"turn down the music, turn down the noise, turn up your voice o god and let us hear the sounds of people broken, willing to love, give us your heart o god and a new song rise in us." or something like that. it goes on to say would we feed the hungry, would we give water to the thirsty, or would we sing an empty hallelujah to the king.

things are changing. life is different in the last two days. it's a new season.

new indeed.

another dream

I had a dream last night that my friend inherited a multi billion dollar porn industry. Somehow this friend had a distant relative or something that died and my friend as the next of kin, got it as an inheritance. So most of my dream was spent talking with this friend about what to do now. $22 billion dollars annually.

So, in our discussions, he/we decided that we would take all the employees to spa's. At the spa's there would be spiritual, mental, and drug counselors. Guys at one center and girls at another. We also brought in the leadership of XXX church to help give us counsel on how to proceed. It was really my friends decisions but I was a very integral part in the decision process. for instance he got a huge house in the inheritance and he wanted to go in and check it out, but i told him he couldn't because we didn't know what kind of artwork was there. he couldn't send in his wife and new baby either. so i went in and there were a lot of large pictures like you would expect in a mansion, but they were all pornographic. so we had a bonfire.

there was another part of the dream that was kind of like a debate on how to win the spiritual battles in play. put worship music on 24/7 in the house, bring out the holy water and anointing oil to cast the demons out, etc. how do you take over a multi billion dollar porn industry without ruining peoples lives and sending them to another porn center. it was strange cause there was this very real sense or understanding that it would crash our economy if we just simply fired everyone. but that the crash wouldn't last long, it would be reborn like a phoenix under someone else's domain.

so there were fast decisions to be made on how to proceed with business, and peoples lives and the spiritual realm.

very real. i literally felt like i was in a board room in Minneapolis (which happens to be the porn capital of the US) and out in a spa in Montana.