Over the process of the last decade or so, the thing that God has been teaching me is that His character exists outside of my circumstances, meaning that my circumstances don't dictate his character. If I am poor it doesn't change the fact that he is still my provider. If God doesn't answer my prayer requests the way I want Him to, it doesn't mean he is not faithful. Things to keep in mind. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. His plan for each human being is that we would 1) know His son 2) be made into the image of his son. Anything else that happens in this world is superfluous. Wealth, health, success, fame, etc are all secondary (if not tertiary, or 293 iary) in the Kingdom of God. So what do we do then as humans when we are confronted with pain? We ask God to change our circumstances. It's the wrong thing to pray. The correct prayer should be to ask God to change us. Not that he doesn't want to change our circumstances, but that's like going to a bank and asking them to do a heart surgery. You're asking the wrong question to the wrong person. You've got to go to a doctor to get a heart surgery. So with God, we have to ask him God questions...heart transformation questions. That's the business of God. So let's say you're presented with pain, and you are asking God to change your circumstances and your circumstances don't change. Then what? The enemy comes in and lies to you. He tells you that God has abandoned you. He accuses the character of God to you. In the Garden, in Genesis 3, we see this being played out for the first time.
The Fall of Man
1Now (A)the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?"
2The woman said to the serpent, "(B)From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat;
3but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'"
4(C)The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die!
5"For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and (D)you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
6(E)When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate.
7Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they (F)knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.
God told Adam/Eve don't eat from this tree. So when she was confronted with that boundary (rules are just like painful circumstances, because we are confronted with our weakness and we are given a choice of who will be God in our lives) the enemy came in and told her that 1) God is a liar. He says you'll die but you won't. 2) He is holding out on you. He is keeping good things from you like the ability to know good and evil. 3) He doesn't have your best interest at heart or he wouldn't be holding out on you. The enemy accuses the character of God to Eve. This puts her in a position of whom she will believe. Will she believe in the character of God or will she believe the lies of the enemy. Will she allow God to be God or will she choose to be in control of her own fate. Eve/Adam like the rest of humanity after them have been confronted with this exact same situation and have believed the lies of the enemy. We have allowed the enemy to convince us that God is not who he says he is. God's character is outside of the space/time continuum. He is: loving, just, faithful, a provider, merciful,long suffering, slow to anger, quick to love, peace, etc. When I am confronted with pain I get to choose who to believe. When I believe that God is who he says he is, I ask him to transform me into the the image of his son. So whatever his character is I step into agreement with that part of him, and am changed.
So when you have the capacity to see that God's character is being accused in your life, you are at one of those moments where you get to choose who will be God. You get to choose to be transformed. I imagine that God is like a waterfall and I'm standing in the desert. When I step into his character and believe him, I am refreshed. All of the sudden the places of fear and doubt are washed away and I believe that God does have my best interest at heart and that he is not holding out on me. He longs to bless his children. If an earthly father would give his child good gifts how much more will the heavenly father. Again, they are tertiary at best. His main purpose is that I know his son, and am transformed into the image of his son. That means there will be crosses to bear, and there will be a choice to die to myself. But those are the moments when we are closest to him. The cross is the greatest invitation to intimacy. When we share in the sufferings with Christ, we will know him better than those who don't go to the painful places.
I pray for our family that apathy will be removed from our house and that we will long see with clarity the beauty of the man, Christ. I pray that in times of pain and frustration we will choose to believe that God is who He says He is, and will ask to be transformed into the likeness of the Son. I pray that we will carry our crosses, choose to die, so that we may have new life in Him.
He is worth it! He is all together lovely!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Yertle the Turtle
When I was little there was a book, called Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss. I honestly didn't remember what it was about, so I just looked it up. It's the story of the Tower of Babel written in Seussisms. The Turtle King stood on top of all his subjects trying to be higher than the moon, until the turtle on the bottom burped and everyone fell down.
I bring up the title, for no other reason than, I feel like a turtle these days. When tragedy strikes, I feel like I emotionally crawl inside my turtle shell and try to find God in my midst. While that may seem noble and super spiritual, it's really just my own defense mechanism to protect me from pain. Imagine if you will a turtle in the middle of a city during a massive earthquake. The chances of that turtle shell actually protecting it from falling debris is slim to none. My protective mechanisms are futile and often counter-productive.
Really there is only one place that is safe for me to be: my strong tower of Refuge, Jesus. I feel like a little girl who's being threatened and who runs to hide behind her dad for protection.
Love is so painful to me. Donald Miller
said recently in one of his blog posts by his dog Lucy, "It hurts to love, but it’s worth it. Love wouldn’t be so beautiful if you didn’t have to die a little bit to create it. Love has always cost pain."
I love deeply and intensly. My sweet friend, Anne Baker said to me in an email, "My heart can well imagine the deepness of your grief. You have such a deep and compassionate and loyal heart. You love so deeply and completely. I know your pain is just taking your breath away. And I know there is only One who really understands that pain and grief. May His hold on you give you breath, comfort, and peace." It was good for my heart to hear, that people know the depth of my passion. Amazingly, I've spent my life with people who still don't fully understand me. I know it's my own special way of sharing in the sufferings of Christ, that I love deeply and grieve deeply when my friends lives are going through turmoil. I don't handle tragedy well, particularly unexpected tragedy. I don't guess tragedy is ever expected. I think a lot of it has to do with foundations.
I guess the truth is that I build my foundation on shaky things: friendships, circumstances, etc. So when tragedy comes and rattles my foundations. Let me tell you, Jesus is shaking everything that can be shaken. It is difficult for me to keep a mindset that Jesus and his character is the only thing that I can stand on firmly. I want to believe the best in people. I want to be able to believe that my friends are solid, their reputations are solid, their marriages are solid, etc. I want to be able to stand and not be shaken in that. I want to stand on the fact that people will live forever, despite the reality that people will die, sin, break up. My heart wants heaven so bad because this world is painful.
Keep me in your prayers as I go through this shaking.
I bring up the title, for no other reason than, I feel like a turtle these days. When tragedy strikes, I feel like I emotionally crawl inside my turtle shell and try to find God in my midst. While that may seem noble and super spiritual, it's really just my own defense mechanism to protect me from pain. Imagine if you will a turtle in the middle of a city during a massive earthquake. The chances of that turtle shell actually protecting it from falling debris is slim to none. My protective mechanisms are futile and often counter-productive.
Really there is only one place that is safe for me to be: my strong tower of Refuge, Jesus. I feel like a little girl who's being threatened and who runs to hide behind her dad for protection.
Love is so painful to me. Donald Miller
said recently in one of his blog posts by his dog Lucy, "It hurts to love, but it’s worth it. Love wouldn’t be so beautiful if you didn’t have to die a little bit to create it. Love has always cost pain."I love deeply and intensly. My sweet friend, Anne Baker said to me in an email, "My heart can well imagine the deepness of your grief. You have such a deep and compassionate and loyal heart. You love so deeply and completely. I know your pain is just taking your breath away. And I know there is only One who really understands that pain and grief. May His hold on you give you breath, comfort, and peace." It was good for my heart to hear, that people know the depth of my passion. Amazingly, I've spent my life with people who still don't fully understand me. I know it's my own special way of sharing in the sufferings of Christ, that I love deeply and grieve deeply when my friends lives are going through turmoil. I don't handle tragedy well, particularly unexpected tragedy. I don't guess tragedy is ever expected. I think a lot of it has to do with foundations.
I guess the truth is that I build my foundation on shaky things: friendships, circumstances, etc. So when tragedy comes and rattles my foundations. Let me tell you, Jesus is shaking everything that can be shaken. It is difficult for me to keep a mindset that Jesus and his character is the only thing that I can stand on firmly. I want to believe the best in people. I want to be able to believe that my friends are solid, their reputations are solid, their marriages are solid, etc. I want to be able to stand and not be shaken in that. I want to stand on the fact that people will live forever, despite the reality that people will die, sin, break up. My heart wants heaven so bad because this world is painful.
Keep me in your prayers as I go through this shaking.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
grammar
Tell me if I'm wrong grammatically.
This relationship has me in a paradox of emotions.
These emotions are paradoxic.
I'm feeling quite paradoxical today.
I am a paradoxic prophet.
Clearly the reason I've written this is because I see that my blogs title may be grammatically incorrect. Why has no one pointed this out to me as of yet.
This relationship has me in a paradox of emotions.
These emotions are paradoxic.
I'm feeling quite paradoxical today.
I am a paradoxic prophet.
Clearly the reason I've written this is because I see that my blogs title may be grammatically incorrect. Why has no one pointed this out to me as of yet.
forgiveness
Was taught a new meaning of forgiveness today. So imagine someone does something that hurts you. They owe you a debt. Unforgiveness is wanting them to repay a debt they can never repay. Forgiveness is realizing that Jesus paid all of our debts. So you take the debt that someone owes you and give it to him to repay. Someone stole your peace/joy/innocence/trust, let Jesus repay you with a double portion.
This new revelation came in very handy. I seem to be faced daily with a choice to forgive. So if you'll bare with me, I think this blog is really going to be a letter to Jesus asking him to repay me for somethings that have been stolen.
Jesus, I bring to you today these debts that are owed to me and I ask that you repay me what was stolen. Many years ago, my innocence was stolen, Jesus will you give me a double portion of innocence back. Throughout the years people in various shapes and sizes have rejected me for various reasons. This was them stealing my sense of belonging, my ability to trust, my sense of connectedness. Jesus will you restore what was stolen from me. Jesus, my sense of self worth was stolen from me many years ago. Will you restore to me my sense of self worth. Will you forgive me for the times that I tried to create a worth in my own right, outside of you? Jesus, many years ago I trusted you fully and completely. Different times of pain in my life have stolen the trust that I once gave to you. Will you restore my ability to trust you completely. Jesus, I have had relationships stolen from me that were very dear to me. Will you restore these relationships to me? Jesus, will you restore my faith that was stolen from me. Jesus, I've carried around shame for years like a parting gift. Will you take it from me and replace it with a sense of honor that only you can give? Jesus, my reputation has been stolen from me. Will you restore it, so that I can rightfully give it back to you? Jesus, as of late several people have hurt me deeply by not choosing to value me like you do. In a way, they are stealing my value. Will you restore my value to my friends. I admittedly don't know if I'm doing this right. All I know to do is to come to you with my hurt and ask you to fix it. I don't even know at this moment what has been fully stolen as of late. I know my ability to trust people at face value is gone. Each time crisis happens, I feel as though my peace, joy and security are stolen. Will you restore my ability to trust, be at peace, be joyful and feel secure.
Jesus, I release all the people who have stolen from me over the years from their false responsibility to repay me.
Jesus, more than ever in my life, I want you to be my all in all. Help me let go of the lies and the false security systems and trust you more and more completely.
This new revelation came in very handy. I seem to be faced daily with a choice to forgive. So if you'll bare with me, I think this blog is really going to be a letter to Jesus asking him to repay me for somethings that have been stolen.
Jesus, I bring to you today these debts that are owed to me and I ask that you repay me what was stolen. Many years ago, my innocence was stolen, Jesus will you give me a double portion of innocence back. Throughout the years people in various shapes and sizes have rejected me for various reasons. This was them stealing my sense of belonging, my ability to trust, my sense of connectedness. Jesus will you restore what was stolen from me. Jesus, my sense of self worth was stolen from me many years ago. Will you restore to me my sense of self worth. Will you forgive me for the times that I tried to create a worth in my own right, outside of you? Jesus, many years ago I trusted you fully and completely. Different times of pain in my life have stolen the trust that I once gave to you. Will you restore my ability to trust you completely. Jesus, I have had relationships stolen from me that were very dear to me. Will you restore these relationships to me? Jesus, will you restore my faith that was stolen from me. Jesus, I've carried around shame for years like a parting gift. Will you take it from me and replace it with a sense of honor that only you can give? Jesus, my reputation has been stolen from me. Will you restore it, so that I can rightfully give it back to you? Jesus, as of late several people have hurt me deeply by not choosing to value me like you do. In a way, they are stealing my value. Will you restore my value to my friends. I admittedly don't know if I'm doing this right. All I know to do is to come to you with my hurt and ask you to fix it. I don't even know at this moment what has been fully stolen as of late. I know my ability to trust people at face value is gone. Each time crisis happens, I feel as though my peace, joy and security are stolen. Will you restore my ability to trust, be at peace, be joyful and feel secure.
Jesus, I release all the people who have stolen from me over the years from their false responsibility to repay me.
Jesus, more than ever in my life, I want you to be my all in all. Help me let go of the lies and the false security systems and trust you more and more completely.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
God's Abundance
I love this book. I gave it to Cole several years ago because he was a new dad. There's a chapter in it on how to be a father to girls. It's soooooo good. It's in some ways a condensed version of what he says in 'Wild at Heart
' or 'Captivating
', but in other ways it's much more refined and applicable.
I guess I have been thinking about the heart of girls because of the whole Girls Gone Wild event in Lubbock last night. Some friends and I decided to go out last night, and we went to Moose Magoo's. They too were have a night focusing on boobs, but in a different manner. They were having a concert for Breast Cancer. Could have been an amazing event with just a bit better advertising and a lower cover charge. $15 is expensive. I wouldn't have paid that much to see Billy Idol or other vague yet definitely better well known artist.
Tonight, I've been listening to an audio-book by Craig Gross. Craig is on the leadership team at XXX Church.com. Craig has written several books, which I hear are amazing and I hope to read someday. Craig's church deals specifically with the issue of pornography and sexual addiction.
I wish I had had the time this morning to take a picture. In the parking lot of the Buddy Holly Center, next to Bash Riprocks where the GGW event was held, this afternoon laid a single high heeled shoe, alone in the parking lot. I feel like that summed up the night quite well. I guess the reason I get so passionate about all this stuff is because I have felt used and abused sexually most of my life. At least 24 of 35 years has had some effects be they overt or subvert. (Is that the proper use of subvert?)
So I get it. I get what happens to women when they have been violated by incest and rape. I get it when women are convinced that their only value is in their sexual ability. I get how pornography is addicting. I get how once you give in to one perversion, the rest tumble down like an avalanche. I get it. And it makes me angry. It's so not of God. It is the antithesis of his heart cry. For women and for men. There is so much more.
I wish I had the money to make some t-shirts. I did a quiz amongst my friends to see what kind of t-shirt they would make if they were protesting GGW. There were some great ones.
Mia: "Oh yeah!! Shake what your mama gave ya...cause your brother and daddy are probably watchin" :)
Michaela: Self esteem has got me COVERED!
Shaun: "Girls Gone Wild" Advertising Inevitable date rape victims since 1998!
Melissa: real men flash a ring first
and Beth: "my boobs look better with my shirt on".
And on a slightly different yet not to far off note, I think I have to also add to this weird ness, that I can't help but keep thinking of El Shaddai yesterday and today. Some people may be surprised to know that one of the meanings for El Shaddai is "the many breasted one" or "all sufficient one." To quote the wikipedia article linked in the previous sentence, "It is often paraphrased in English translations as "Almighty" although this is an interpretive element. The name then refers to the pre-Mosaic patriarchal understanding of deity as "God who is sufficient." God is sufficient, that is, to supply all of one's needs, and therefore by derivation "almighty". It may also be understood as an allusion to the singularity of deity, "El", as opposed to "Elohim" (plural), being sufficient or enough for the early patriarchs of Judaism. To this was latter added the Mosaic conception of the tetragrammaton YHWH, meaning a God who is sufficient in Himself, that is, a self-determined eternal Being qua Being, for whom limited descriptive names cannot apply. This may have been the meaning the Hebrew phrase "ehyeh asher ehyeh" (which translates roughly as "I will be that which I will be") and which is how God describes himself to Moses cf. Exodus 3:13-15. This phrase can be applied to the tetragrammaton YHWH, which can be understood as an anagram for the three States of Being: past, present and future, conjoined with the conjunctive Hebrew letter.
So in Lubbock, TX on June 12th of 2010, we have both the GGW and a Breast Cancer event, and God reminds me that he is known as the many breasted one, the all sufficient one. It is my prayer that these girls and men, would know deeply the God who has the power, grace, love and desire to supply all their needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and financially. The mother heart of God longs to draw her children to her and cover them with her wings so that they can nurse and trust and be satiated.
I would be completely remiss, if in this blog I didn't mention Amy Grant's song El Shaddai from the 80's.
' or 'Captivating', but in other ways it's much more refined and applicable.I guess I have been thinking about the heart of girls because of the whole Girls Gone Wild event in Lubbock last night. Some friends and I decided to go out last night, and we went to Moose Magoo's. They too were have a night focusing on boobs, but in a different manner. They were having a concert for Breast Cancer. Could have been an amazing event with just a bit better advertising and a lower cover charge. $15 is expensive. I wouldn't have paid that much to see Billy Idol or other vague yet definitely better well known artist.
Tonight, I've been listening to an audio-book by Craig Gross. Craig is on the leadership team at XXX Church.com. Craig has written several books, which I hear are amazing and I hope to read someday. Craig's church deals specifically with the issue of pornography and sexual addiction.
I wish I had had the time this morning to take a picture. In the parking lot of the Buddy Holly Center, next to Bash Riprocks where the GGW event was held, this afternoon laid a single high heeled shoe, alone in the parking lot. I feel like that summed up the night quite well. I guess the reason I get so passionate about all this stuff is because I have felt used and abused sexually most of my life. At least 24 of 35 years has had some effects be they overt or subvert. (Is that the proper use of subvert?)
So I get it. I get what happens to women when they have been violated by incest and rape. I get it when women are convinced that their only value is in their sexual ability. I get how pornography is addicting. I get how once you give in to one perversion, the rest tumble down like an avalanche. I get it. And it makes me angry. It's so not of God. It is the antithesis of his heart cry. For women and for men. There is so much more.
I wish I had the money to make some t-shirts. I did a quiz amongst my friends to see what kind of t-shirt they would make if they were protesting GGW. There were some great ones.
Mia: "Oh yeah!! Shake what your mama gave ya...cause your brother and daddy are probably watchin" :)
Michaela: Self esteem has got me COVERED!
Shaun: "Girls Gone Wild" Advertising Inevitable date rape victims since 1998!
Melissa: real men flash a ring first
and Beth: "my boobs look better with my shirt on".
And on a slightly different yet not to far off note, I think I have to also add to this weird ness, that I can't help but keep thinking of El Shaddai yesterday and today. Some people may be surprised to know that one of the meanings for El Shaddai is "the many breasted one" or "all sufficient one." To quote the wikipedia article linked in the previous sentence, "It is often paraphrased in English translations as "Almighty" although this is an interpretive element. The name then refers to the pre-Mosaic patriarchal understanding of deity as "God who is sufficient." God is sufficient, that is, to supply all of one's needs, and therefore by derivation "almighty". It may also be understood as an allusion to the singularity of deity, "El", as opposed to "Elohim" (plural), being sufficient or enough for the early patriarchs of Judaism. To this was latter added the Mosaic conception of the tetragrammaton YHWH, meaning a God who is sufficient in Himself, that is, a self-determined eternal Being qua Being, for whom limited descriptive names cannot apply. This may have been the meaning the Hebrew phrase "ehyeh asher ehyeh" (which translates roughly as "I will be that which I will be") and which is how God describes himself to Moses cf. Exodus 3:13-15. This phrase can be applied to the tetragrammaton YHWH, which can be understood as an anagram for the three States of Being: past, present and future, conjoined with the conjunctive Hebrew letter.
So in Lubbock, TX on June 12th of 2010, we have both the GGW and a Breast Cancer event, and God reminds me that he is known as the many breasted one, the all sufficient one. It is my prayer that these girls and men, would know deeply the God who has the power, grace, love and desire to supply all their needs emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally and financially. The mother heart of God longs to draw her children to her and cover them with her wings so that they can nurse and trust and be satiated.
I would be completely remiss, if in this blog I didn't mention Amy Grant's song El Shaddai from the 80's.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Righteousness and Justice are the foundations of His throne
Our society is morally bankrupt. The value of a human life has been degraded to nothing through the things like porn/soft-porn of GGW (Girls Gone Wild),sex traficking and abortion. It all goes together. What we don't understand is that it is like a butterfly effect. One girl flashes her tata's in Lubbock (igniting or fanning the flame of lust in men, a guy in Minnesota buys the video, a guy in Asia kidnaps women and sells them into prostitution, she gets pregnant and is forced to abort. Women are then devalued and feel like the only thing ... valuable about them is their tata's and they start the whole cycle all over again. We need to bring back modesty, human dignity, and value each other because of our inherent value as God's children! Their are haters out there who would say that I'm old fashioned or unfit to talk about this cause I'm fat. But that just proves my point. My value is not in my size 2 or 22 jeans. This is a justice issue at it's core. We must fight for justice in the area of entertainment. ***stepping off soap box now*** :)
The text above is all a quote from my post on facebook yesterday. As I was typing it I was reminded of a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out about the lack of Justice in a the TV show Glee. Now I love me some Glee and feel like it's on par for today's level of morality in America. You've got a token teenage pregnancy, a token gay/sexually confused boy, the vain cheerleaders, etc. In a recent episode, we find Kurt (the sexually confused boy) exploring the idea of redecorating his room to bring in a possible step brother, Finn (the all american boy), whom Kurt has a crush on. Finn repsonded to this situation horribly and made many crude remarks of anti-gay sentiments. Finn was rightly condemned (and I use that word lightly) for being a jerk. The problem though was the show did not adequately convey that Finn was not the only one in the wrong. If you are heterosexual and are put in a situation where you have to share a room with a homosexual that has a crush on you, it's gonna be awkward. For some reason this show felt like it wasn't ok to show that. While Kurt's feelings were glorified because he was being rejected, Finn's feelings were completely ignored. The lack of justice in this issue had me quite frusterated.
So it is with these two issues Girls Gone Wild and Glee, that I find myself being really frustrated by the lack of justice in entertainment. I've gotten quite used to the lack of morality and have reduced the amount of crap that I will watch because of it. But the lack of justice is fire to my rocket. I get hot over that issue. I guess I will always fight for the underdog.
The text above is all a quote from my post on facebook yesterday. As I was typing it I was reminded of a couple of weeks ago when I freaked out about the lack of Justice in a the TV show Glee. Now I love me some Glee and feel like it's on par for today's level of morality in America. You've got a token teenage pregnancy, a token gay/sexually confused boy, the vain cheerleaders, etc. In a recent episode, we find Kurt (the sexually confused boy) exploring the idea of redecorating his room to bring in a possible step brother, Finn (the all american boy), whom Kurt has a crush on. Finn repsonded to this situation horribly and made many crude remarks of anti-gay sentiments. Finn was rightly condemned (and I use that word lightly) for being a jerk. The problem though was the show did not adequately convey that Finn was not the only one in the wrong. If you are heterosexual and are put in a situation where you have to share a room with a homosexual that has a crush on you, it's gonna be awkward. For some reason this show felt like it wasn't ok to show that. While Kurt's feelings were glorified because he was being rejected, Finn's feelings were completely ignored. The lack of justice in this issue had me quite frusterated.
So it is with these two issues Girls Gone Wild and Glee, that I find myself being really frustrated by the lack of justice in entertainment. I've gotten quite used to the lack of morality and have reduced the amount of crap that I will watch because of it. But the lack of justice is fire to my rocket. I get hot over that issue. I guess I will always fight for the underdog.
frugality part deux
So I printed off some coupons yesterday and went to the store. I bought some things that I wouldn't normally but wouldn't mind buying. I feel like my great deal of the day was 3 Lean Cuisine pizza's for $4. I would say in all I saved about $10.
Today I'm going to head to Walgreens and CVS and pick up some purchases there.
Living frugally emotionally is different though, at least for me.
I have to say that when a new friend (woman) comes into my life, it is easy to take it as it is and not hope or dream of us being the bestest of friends. I have grace for the situation and will let that chemistry develop naturally. However if that friend is a man, it becomes a very different story. I feel like that deep void in my heart that longs to be loved is like this ugly monster that comes out when a man comes around. I've really been wrestling with that, and keep talking to God about it. He's told me in no uncertain terms to just take things one day at a time and be prepared to take this relationship on a ride down the long haul. I feel like that is good advise for both my boy friend and for myself. I think we both need the time to develop friendship and trust with each other before we take it further. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, it's just easier to take things to a physical level and avoid the emotional stuff. That's so true, and so deadly. As I continue to engage God and bring Him into my day to day and process these fears and hopes, I find I want to avoid the emotions a whole lot (ie make out). Deep inside my heart though I know that I'd be robbing myself and him of something beautiful down the line.
After having a 20+ year relationship with my high school friend, and going through the emotional roller coaster there in, I swore to myself I would never have just another 'guy friend.' It's painful. It's painful to develop emotional intimacy and not have it progress to the next level of relationship. Of course in the ever popular 'When Harry met Sally' we grapple with whether or not men and women could actually be friends. I know he and I have certainly had our struggles in that area. Or rather, I have struggled in that area. I found myself being attracted to him in our early 20's and again was so desperate to be loved that I put us both into very compromising situations. Some boundaries were crossed, but by the grace of God we were able to maintain our friendship. Now, we have an incredible relationship and a deep intimacy that doesn't allow for hiding things. Such a relationship is hard to maintain and I have found myself being very jealous when he starts dating someone. Deep down though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would annoy the hell out of each other if we had to live together. We may end up in the same nursing home harassing each other in 60 years, but that's a long time from now.
He and I have discussed that men and women have different currencies by which we are paid (get charged up) and pay out (charge up someone else). Men have a physical currency and women have an emotional currency. I think this is where the trouble between male-female friendships really exists. Friendships by nature deal in an emotional currency. There is another very important component within this mix though, and that is that ultimately the way men and women are designed is to progress in intimacy. So women typically have to be wooed emotionally before they'll give themselves physically to a man, and many men find it easier to be emotionally intimate after their physical needs have been met. So for women the emotional stuff automatically leads to a desire to merge. When a man is emotional though, they don't have the natural instinct to follow it up with something. It usually is the follow up. Now I may be wrong, and am eager to have any man share his thoughts with me.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's "easy" to draw boundaries for physical intimacy outside of marriage, but it is very difficult to draw boundaries for emotional areas. My friend now makes a lot of awkward sexual jokes and inneuendos when he's with me. I feel like that type of conversation is really meant to be only between 'the guys' or between people with an expressed intention on someday fulfiling those sexual promises. But sexual jokes between men and women who are just friends is inappropriate. It certainly does not make me feel like a lady. It detracts from my value. I deserve to be cherished and protected. Of course in 2010, it's pretty hard to find someone who won't laugh at an innuendo. So I laugh, because I'm not sure how to communicate to him that I don't like it without hurting his feelings. Plus there's all the danged ambiguity in our relationship that makes this so messy.
That's all for now...be blessed!
Today I'm going to head to Walgreens and CVS and pick up some purchases there.
Living frugally emotionally is different though, at least for me.
I have to say that when a new friend (woman) comes into my life, it is easy to take it as it is and not hope or dream of us being the bestest of friends. I have grace for the situation and will let that chemistry develop naturally. However if that friend is a man, it becomes a very different story. I feel like that deep void in my heart that longs to be loved is like this ugly monster that comes out when a man comes around. I've really been wrestling with that, and keep talking to God about it. He's told me in no uncertain terms to just take things one day at a time and be prepared to take this relationship on a ride down the long haul. I feel like that is good advise for both my boy friend and for myself. I think we both need the time to develop friendship and trust with each other before we take it further. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said, it's just easier to take things to a physical level and avoid the emotional stuff. That's so true, and so deadly. As I continue to engage God and bring Him into my day to day and process these fears and hopes, I find I want to avoid the emotions a whole lot (ie make out). Deep inside my heart though I know that I'd be robbing myself and him of something beautiful down the line.
After having a 20+ year relationship with my high school friend, and going through the emotional roller coaster there in, I swore to myself I would never have just another 'guy friend.' It's painful. It's painful to develop emotional intimacy and not have it progress to the next level of relationship. Of course in the ever popular 'When Harry met Sally' we grapple with whether or not men and women could actually be friends. I know he and I have certainly had our struggles in that area. Or rather, I have struggled in that area. I found myself being attracted to him in our early 20's and again was so desperate to be loved that I put us both into very compromising situations. Some boundaries were crossed, but by the grace of God we were able to maintain our friendship. Now, we have an incredible relationship and a deep intimacy that doesn't allow for hiding things. Such a relationship is hard to maintain and I have found myself being very jealous when he starts dating someone. Deep down though, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would annoy the hell out of each other if we had to live together. We may end up in the same nursing home harassing each other in 60 years, but that's a long time from now.
He and I have discussed that men and women have different currencies by which we are paid (get charged up) and pay out (charge up someone else). Men have a physical currency and women have an emotional currency. I think this is where the trouble between male-female friendships really exists. Friendships by nature deal in an emotional currency. There is another very important component within this mix though, and that is that ultimately the way men and women are designed is to progress in intimacy. So women typically have to be wooed emotionally before they'll give themselves physically to a man, and many men find it easier to be emotionally intimate after their physical needs have been met. So for women the emotional stuff automatically leads to a desire to merge. When a man is emotional though, they don't have the natural instinct to follow it up with something. It usually is the follow up. Now I may be wrong, and am eager to have any man share his thoughts with me.
Ultimately what I'm trying to say is that it's "easy" to draw boundaries for physical intimacy outside of marriage, but it is very difficult to draw boundaries for emotional areas. My friend now makes a lot of awkward sexual jokes and inneuendos when he's with me. I feel like that type of conversation is really meant to be only between 'the guys' or between people with an expressed intention on someday fulfiling those sexual promises. But sexual jokes between men and women who are just friends is inappropriate. It certainly does not make me feel like a lady. It detracts from my value. I deserve to be cherished and protected. Of course in 2010, it's pretty hard to find someone who won't laugh at an innuendo. So I laugh, because I'm not sure how to communicate to him that I don't like it without hurting his feelings. Plus there's all the danged ambiguity in our relationship that makes this so messy.
That's all for now...be blessed!
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